I Need Help...

and I don't know how to ask for it.  I mean I do but.....I can't, I just can't.

Every morning when I open my eyes and realize I'm still alive a part of me dies.

I hate that I don't have one person in my life I can talk to. Someone that understands how I feel and isn't going to run off and call 911 or spill the beans to another person. You girls are great but nothing beats having that person you can call whenever, have them sit on your couch with you while you cry, and get you out of your house when you are ready to pull the trigger.

My drinking is out of control. My weight is out of control.

I can't breathe like this.

IM OUT OF CONTROL

but then again when have I ever been in control.....?

Super depressed and fat. Per usual. I wish I could just go back to high school when I was so driven to be thin and stuck to all my rules. I think being around skinny girls for 8 hours a day was really a motivator too. Now, I still have very thin friends and I keep them in mind but they're not in my line of sight everyday all day. Now I have a dog and a man who could care less about looking good. :( Either way, it't still my fault for being a lazy fat loser.

Cristy and I aren't working out together anymore. She got a job promotion and moved to a different bank branch. Great. My one day a weak motivation is gone.

I really need to get on myself. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to just stop making up excuses and go workout everyday. Christ even if it's thirty minutes! It's not like I have to be in the gym for 2 hours everyday. Why am I SO FUCKING LAZY???? I miss my ED buddy. Ever since she joined the army I have no one to yell at me and call me fat to keep my mouth closed and my body moving. I feel like she doesn't wanna talk to me at times. She rarely answers my texts but when she needs me I'm always there for her. Ugh its so frustrating. She posts constantly mobily on FB but then I don't get a response from her for like two or three days via text. DUH....let's be honest here, I know what's going on. :(

Here's some recent fat pictures of myself......enjoy and vomit.

Gotta love a fat giggly stomach and thighs!!!!!

Well enough bitching for today.....love you girls hope all is well.