Dear God.....

I only have a few minutes before work is out so I cannot post as much as I wanted. Short version:

Last night Eric and I had a MAJOR fight. Drunk major fight. Things were thrown. Names were called. It was bad. I know we will get over it but I'm really hurt and confused and am maybe thinking about moving out. 27 days after I moved in. I know I most likely won't, partially because I am too damn lazy to move all my shit again but the thought is still crossing my mind. I know we will get through this. We dont fight often, just seems like a major blow out every few months. This is our 4 fight in the nine months we have been dating. Not too bad, right?? FECK. On a good note:

142.4!!

I guess drinking half a bottle of wine and not eating dinner payed off. I have that damn wedding tomorrow so I am kinda freaking out. I hope I can make it through the meal and not drink to much booze. I really wanna see 139 Monday but I will be satisfied with 140. Well "satisfied" lol.

Sunday I have to get ready to go visit my grandma for her birthday as soon as I get back from Indiana from the wedding so that wont leave much time for eating...maybe. My mother and I are arriving at 4 and I am not sure if we are doing dinner or not. Fingers crossed we don't!!

Well okay sorry for the short post! Wish me stellar luck for the weekend!!! Loves!

<3

Feelin' like a DAMN CHAMPION!

AH, GOOD NEWS!

Met up with my gf yesterday for our run......went a whole 2 miles running without stopping which is HUGE for us. Then walked two miles. We did stop at the bar for an hour and had a few Corona Lights....and a few shots of tequila....oops.....I know I originally wasn't happy about it but I was so pumped and proud of us by the time we got there I thought "eh fuck it." Ended up being a great night n saw a group of great friends. I did have a mini binge when I got back to my mom's house of a sandwich and some chippies. Damn those sammies and chippies, I'm such an addict. I went to bed feeling extremely guilty but I woke up and weighed to see:

144.3!!!

YAY! Down 3.8 pounds. Needless to say I gave two fucks about that sandwich anymore, LOL.

Today my cals are a little high. I stupidly splurged on grits for breakfast, which I tried purging but didn't have much success (200) w 2 cups coffee (40) and right now I'm eating a veggie unwhich from Jimmy Johns, no mayo (139) with a tbsp of Light Caesar dressing to dip (45). Total 425.

Ugh drank too much diet coke with my unwich and now I wanna hurl....I hate the sensation of "full." I had no intention of purging my lunch. I'm trying to control my eating and give up mia. I had a HORRIBLE dream last night that I was smiling, looking into a mirror and then at rapid speed all my teeth started decaying and falling out before my eyes, then pieces of jaw. I sat up like a lightening bolt in my bed at 3 am and started grabbing all my teeth. I couldn't relax until I double checked in the mirror. Dream felt SO real. Scared the shit outta me. I am gunna hold strong. No more diet soda right now and let my stomach digest a bit. So hard breaking a 15 year habit. Ugh. Plus if I purge I'll be starving later and pig out. FUCK THAT.

Damn, I wanna look like that when I run......

Tonight's plan is to walk home from the bus (.8 mile), change and then run to the tanning bed (2 miles). Eric will pick me up from tanning and then we have to go next store to Walmart to pick up some things. I told him to not let me cave either......it benefits me for the 5k but also to KICK HIS ASS in the competition. I'm loving this. :) I do really need to step it up on my ab work though. I was doing really good for a while but fell off. I got to work today and did 150 ab exercises in the back office. I need to do 150 more after my run tonight.

Oh and thanks Josie and Kitty for the words of encouragement! I will def try my best to win this for all the women out there!!

Well I can't think of much more to say......shocking....

Love you Ladies. <3

OK, the REAL Day One

So Eric and I decided to REALLY start the competition today. Had our last meal last night of deep dish pizza and margaritas. So delicious.

Since we started the competition I have decided to start posting my weight again. Hopefully blogging will help keep me in check too. I also thrive on rude "fat comments" so if you ladies see my posting about failing just tear into me. I'm serious. It really helps. So my start weight......ugh god......a fat

148.1

My goal is at least 135, UGW is 130. I have one month to loose 15 to 20 pounds. I already feel like a complete failure. I know I can't do this. I have to eat, sleep and breathe working out. Wuuuaahhhhhh I hate working out. Hence why I am STILL SO FUCKING FAT.

Tonight is my weekly workout with my gf and we are getting together tomorrow to. We are jogging four miles today and at least three tomorrow. My goal is to be 142 by Monday. This should be extremely difficult and challenging because I have a wedding Saturday. The only nice thing about it is that Eric is standing up so he will be sitting at the wedding party table and I will be by myself with strangers at a regular table so I can pick and not eat whatever food they bring me.....which I hear is vegetarian lasagna. I fucking love lasagna. I hope the table is far enough away so Eric can't stare me down the whole time. I also hope the main course is cleared away before the bride and groom make rounds greeting tables. I got shit from the groom at the wedding rehearsal for not trying the grease filled portabello mushroom sandwiches. I'll eat this dry salad, thanks.

So far today I'm at 182 cals with breakfast and lunch. I had a medium coffee with cream from DD for breakfast (75) and then for lunch had another coffee with almond milk (20), 4 oz low fat cottage cheese (80) and half a green pepper (12). I'm kinda scared for dinner because I will be staying at my mom's tonight and she always makes me some sort of god damn food no matter how many times I tell her to stop. And I wiped out her fridge n freezer last Sunday when I was cleaning so I know she has zero frozen veggies I can microwave. I do have some 100 cal soups there...I think....hopefully.....I'll eat one of those.

So, what is now going to suck about my Wednesday workouts?? There is a local bar in my town that has bags tournaments. The teams play on Wednesdays (today). My gf that I work out with has her bf on one of the teams so she wants us to start jogging to the bar to visit him, have a beer, and then jog back. I am not happy about this but didn't say anything. There is no such thing as ONE beer, and frankly Wednesday is the healthiest day of the week for me usually specifically BECAUSE of these workouts. I am not tempted to drink and eat like other days because I am in "healthy" mode from getting exercise. She already texted me this morning saying she wants to do shots and stuff. WTF. I responded "You can, I'm taking the competition seriously. One MGD 64 for me and I'm leaving." Plus, it's a week night and I get up at 5 am everyday I don't feel like busting ass to the bar and then sitting there for two hours drinking because then HOW THE HELL am I going to manage the two mile jog/walk back if I'm half in the bag? Duh. Let's pray all goes well and we are there for like 30 mins. If she isn't ready to leave I'll just walk home alone, no problemo.

Well I'm done bitching for now. Love all of you. Toodles.

<3

Psshhhh

That's how I feel. Pssshhh.

Today is the start of the weight loss competition. Not the best day to start. Hungover as shit. And Eric is having some medical problems. We are both Emo eaters. I meant to have a fabulous "last meal" when I got home from work. Instead I came home to Eric and his two friends drunk and the apt trashed. My OCD went into hyper drive so I ended up downing like five shots of tequila back to back to keep from screaming and began cleaning up. I never even ate. Damn. Oh well I don't need the cals anyhow.

So far today I am at like 100 calories. I am going to try and stay under 750 everyday. I know the number is high but I know I could never stay under 300 like I want so I am doing something more reasonable. I've had coffee and I'm STARVING. I wanna eat like a cow when I am hungover but have remained in control. I have some low fat cottage cheese and a green pepper here at work so I plan on munching on that. Like 130ish cals. All I wanna do is dive head first into a deep dish pizza.

I have no clue what my weight is. I woke up at 5:53am this morning and I have to leave for work no later than 6:05am. I didn't shower before I went to bed and I look absolutely horrific today. Plus I could smell the tequila leaking outta my pours the whole way to work. I get tot the office and get into a fight with Eric on the phone and start to cry. On all the days when my boss has to come to the office early (he NEVER does) he does today. So he walk in and I'm on the phone all red faced and just wave at him. OMG so embarrassing and extremely unprofessional. I later lied to him and told him i was talking to my lawyer hence the upset mess. Way to make it even more professional right? Throw my legal problems into it. Oh brother.

Bottom line: I feel like I weigh 700 pounds today even though I didn't eat dinner.

I feel like complete hell right now. It's only 11:57am. Of course this day has to drag on forever. And after work I am supposed to meet up with a friend to hangout n go shopping n have drinks. Fuck I am so tired. I just wanna sit in the bath tub and die. I wish I had one of those hug whirl pool tubs. I love baths but they have not been as fun since I was little and could actually fit my whole body under all the water. I know you guys feel my pain. All adults do. LOL. Well, all adults with normal lame bath tubs.

Woah.....totally zoned out....its 12:26pm.....lol. Snack Time.

Does anyone like Lana Del Ray? Currently obsessed.

I found some funny comics online so I'll leave you ladies with these.

Loves

<3

"I hate her"

Weekend & Weight Loss Competition

Hey ladies.

So the weekend was ok. Had the rehearsal dinner Friday and did SPLENDID at the dinner. Had a salad with no dressing. Eric was staring at me the whole time but I ignored him and he never made any comments so that was good. I did, of course, have a few too many beers and went home and made a grilled cheese: 340 cals. Fuck. I did have a hour drunk dance party and excess fruit ninja on the Kinetc before the grilled cheese happened so I guess that's kinda good. If someone woulda been video taping Eric and I dancing around the living room to Kesha and Brittany Spears I so woulda posted it for you. hahaha

I woke up hungover on Saturday at 6:30am but forced myself to get dressed and go running. Running with a hang over is not fun. The blood pumping through my system really added to the migraine I already had and I thought I might puke/pass out/have my head explode by the time I returned. Either way, still glad I got my ass out of the streets for a 30 minute jog. From there I moved my remaining belongings from my moms to the apt and unpacked all day so I was pretty distracted and burning a tad of cals. Ended up eating some pasta with brussel sprouts for dinner. I was so exhausted but then at the last minute decided to go the bar with my gf, her sis and her dad at like 11 at night......and I feel asleep on the bar. SHIT. What a lame ass. They ended up having to leave because of me. How embarrassing......and on top of it my gf was all worried I was on drugs or something and asked me about it today. I can't blame her. She was with me through my heroin addiction and although she doesn't suspect me or ever throw it in my face, I understand why she would be concerned if one minute I'm laughing drinking a beer and the next I'm Ni Nights on a coaster. I apologized big time to her today. Luckily she is an awesome friend so all is good.

Sunday. Let's call that Dooms Day. Woke up at my gf's house hungover as shit and starving. I toasted a bagel and put regular butter on it. Sat and ate it while reading the paper until Eric picked me up. We then went to Walmart where I noticed a new flavor of Doritos and a delicious container of macaroni salad bought them both. I'm so addicted to Doritos it is bad. I cannot shop when I am hungry, hungover or high; it is bad news. I got home and continued to make bad choices. My lunch consisted of a veggie burger with pepper jack cheese, Doritos and BBQ chips, a hard boiled egg and a generous helping of mac salad. I purged the meal but still. Fat ass choices leads to a FAT ASS. Duh. Eric and I then played some more Kinetc and watched the movie 300. He had to go work for a few hours so he dropped me off at my moms so I could hang with my dog. QUE BINGE. God damn it. I cleaned her whole house for her top to bottom while she was at work but I was binging the whole time on mashed potatoes, mac n cheese and Reese's cereal. Later when I came back home to the apt I made myself a quesadilla. End result:

I woke up five pounds heavier this morning. Please shoot me. :'(

On a positive note, I asked Eric if he would start a weight loss competition with me. Just him and myself. We go until June 1st. Whomever looses the most gets a prize (still to be determined). I was thinking 30 dollars towards a new pair of pants lol. If anyone has any ideas feel free to suggest! I can honestly say I am not sure who is going to win. Eric's job is very physical but he eats fast food and shit constantly and barely takes care of himself in that sense. I have a very sedentary job but I watch what I eat most days (minus the binges) and do alot of walking and the occasional workout. I'm really gunna have to work hard. There is no way in hell I will let him win this. Wish me luck ladies!

Alright, I'm off. Hope everyone is doing great.

<3

I hate the circus

What an unpleasant surprise to log into blogger and find that the website took it upon itself to change my format to the new version after I had been ignoring the disclaimer for weeks. You fucking asshole Blogger. Watch, later I'll log into Fcebook and I'll have fucking Timeline. GO FUCK YOURSELVES WEBSITES

OK, obviously I am not doing okay today.

Up and down and up she goes, will she scream nobody knows......

I am going from rage to crying to crying rage to crying to rage rage rage. And I have a fucking wedding rehearsal tonight for Eric's friends. PLEASE SHOOT ME. I am so tired of faking the smiles.

I am crazy. We all know this. I can't take this. I feel like I am going to explode. Today, soon, in a week? I don't know but I don't wanna be there for it. Eric is REALLY getting on my nerves and I know I shouldn't feel this way. He has been off work all week and he has accomplished practically nothing at the apartment. I WANNA FUCKING STAB HIM.

Now, let me explain some more. Eric is a clean person. He washes dishes, does laundry, vacuums, dusts etc. However, I am EXTREMELY ocd when it comes to cleaning and "everything having it's place." He knows this. He saw how I continually bitched about my mothers style of "cleanliness" before I moved out and I warned him several times, even asking him "Are you sure you are ready to live with CRAZY??" His response:

"You're not crazy, it's just your mom making you mad."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Omg you are so fucking blind boy. And what's even better is that he internalizes pretty much everything he thinks and feels about life in general. He never stand up for himself. So when I am going bonkers he just stares at me or apologizes when really in reality I just need to chill out and shut the fuck up. Omg I'm so frustrated. It's like I need him to yell at me just fucking once. Please prove to me that you are an actual man and not a god damn push over and people pleaser!

Now, take what I just said above and  realize that Eric is probably not like this at all but that's how I see it because I'm fucking psycho. Am I going back and forth? YES. Am I manic? YES. Que the fucking circus music.

I should probably stop drinking coffee when I am like this.........

My mind is blank. I have come down.......

I might be back later.

<3

A little Success? No way......

Yesterday ended pretty well. I did ok on cals at work and met up with my my gf who I am doing the 5k with. We did a 5k run, a 15 minutes ab video and a 15 minute butt n thighs video. I did have a mini binge after she left: 5 pierogies and a sandwich with cheese and fat free Miracle Whip. I purged some of it up but not all of it per usual. My mom cooked the pierogies so I am not sure as to what she cooked them in. Hopefully the fat free butter in the fridge, not oil. I'm not sure. So I can't report my exact cals with the purge and all. I went to bed feeling like a semi failure. : / All in all though I am extremely proud of myself for the workout, just not the binge. I woke up and weighed......I haven't been able to compare my new scale with my old scale at my mom's. I don't know which one to trust. I don't trust hardwood floors either. It sucks that even 1 or 2 ounces makes me so damn mad. Whatever. (Not really whatever)

Today was meh.....I'm at about 700 cals. Still fighting the Peanut Butter urges in my head, WHY CAN'T I JUST THROW IT OUT DAMN IT. Ugh.

Tonight plan is:

Tan
Get some belonging from my mothers
Run
Shower
Put clothes away that are strewn across my floor

I told Eric if I even try to bail on running to burn all my shoes and lock me outside. LOL. Obviously he won't do that but ya know......I need to him not just say "OK" when I tell him I'm not running. He needs to push me since I obviously cannot push myself. For christ sake it only takes 30 mins tops to get the three miles in. Me and my gf have downloaded this awesome app called C25k and it gradually builds u up to run a full 5k wo stopping. Right now it goes in jogging/walking intervals. Right now I am at:

5 min walk warm up
3 min run
90 sec walk
5 min run
2 min walk
5 min run
5 min walk cool down

The stuff in between the warm up and cool down gets repeated a serious of times or some shit....I may have the times off a smidge but that's pretty close. I can run it without getting tired and wanting to stop too so that's pretty cool. :)

Now I just need to quit smoking hahah. Hopefully soon.

Well ladies, I'm off to finish up my day at the office. I'll update tomorrow and wish me luck!

<3

Peanut Butter and Frosted Flakes

Just a small manic session and I need to get this out.

As you know, when my dad comes into town for work it is an endless struggle of food and him trying to feed me. When he leaves, he leaves behind whatever food he didn't finish at the hotel. This time it is:

1. A gigantic tub of full fat Skippy peanut butter
2. A Family size box of generic frosted flakes (literally it says "sugar coated" corn flakes on the box)
3. About 7 packets of grits....mmm god I love grits
4. A can of Progressive soup, which is 100 cals, so that's "ok"

Really the peanut butter is fucking killing me. I know I should just throw it out. If fucking calls my name all day. Earlier I went and got a huge spoon and scooped out a gigantic glob of it. Smelled it. Then dump coffee grounds on it. FUCK. Close call but I made it thru. But the jar is still in the cabinet. Why can't i just throw out food. I always think "don't be wasteful, just gain control." But jesus - HI I'M BULIMIC. I waste food everyday. It really sucks when you can't understand your own mind.

OH LOOK! I'm reporting failure again!!! RANT

Hey Mes Betches.

So yesterday I had this to accomplish after work:

Go to the bank
Go tan
Run??
Clean both bathrooms
Do laundry
Go to Walmart to pick up scale
Go to register for the 5k

What I actually got done:

Pick up scale
Register for 5k

This time it was not my fault actually. Eric texts me on the bus saying he has friends over and we are not running errands, he is drunk and we are BBQing.

WTF. At this point my extreme mood swings kick in and I go from a rather decent mood (which is rare these days) to KILLER mode. I know I should not feel this way. I know I should not have the burning desire to shoot my loving boyfriend in the face for changing plans. I change plans all the time. The world will not stop if the bathroom gets cleaned on Wednesday instead of Tuesday. I love his friends I should be happy to visit and relax with them. BUT NO. I'm so sick of myself. I just wanna be normal. Be happy. Not have manic insane thoughts race through my head at every moment of every day. I need therapy again. I never should have stopped but fucking HMO's and my DUI's have made it fucking impossible to seek help. I am a therapy lifer and I am OK with that and actually ENJOY going because I have a third party who is completely neutral to tell me to CHILL THE FUCK OUT and enjoy life for a second. These ups n downs n sadness to euphoria to mania is taking a toll on me. Sometimes I feel I can't even function. I worry so much about trying to appear normal and happy to those around me and its mental torture and I end up snapping and being mean to nice people who don't deserve it. Not only am I freaking out at the time the mood swings happen but then it's even worse after because I know I was a complete fucking bitch ONCE AGAIN for no fucking reason. I end up hating myself just a little bit more everytime this happens.

I can't breathe right now......

So I stayed up until 11pm eating veggie meat stuffed mushrooms and margaritas. The only plus is it took a laxative affect and I think helped me loose a pound....but I just used my scale for the first time this morning so I don't have actual fact of that. I'm not reporting my weight until its in the 30's.....as I mentioned a few posts ago. I'm sure those of you who read my blog often can guess my weight.....blah.

I'm at like 300 cals for the day so far including Bfast and Lunch. Ate some raw red peppers, cucumbers and carrots with a dash of S&P. Breakfast I grabbed a plain hamburger bun as I dashed out the door......speaking of that bun......

1. WTF was I thinking eating that? Oh yeah...hungover throwing up and needed something to absorb the acid.
2. Did you know that there was 120 CALS in that sonofabitch? 120 cals?!?!?! Jesus.

Bread, I love you. Stop being so full of calories n shit. Thanks.

I'll leave you with this on that note. Loves.

New Scale

I pick up my new scale today. Excited. Living with Eric's analog for the past 17 days has made me wanna commit suicide.....even more after I found out it was 5 pounds LIGHT. Wtf....that was a BAD DAY, lemme tell ya.

I'm guessing I am still the fat weight I last reported to you all. Surprise Surprise.

I have been failing miserably at training for this 5k. I have 1 month 1 day left to get my ass in gear. I am attempting to wake up at 4am tomorrow to start morning running. I was going to start today, but the gallon of wine I drank last night had me in bed until about 5:25 am......usually I have to get up by 5. Enough said.

I have consumed 700ish cals today so FAIL.

I have the burning desire to post a "new plan" but wont. Not until I start succeeding.

Miss you all.

<3

No one;s picking up the phone, guess it's me, and me........

Yep, best song lyric ever right there......and the truth it holds is unbelieveable.

There is not one person in my life I can trust to talk to.

I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING.

I live in a apartment with a loaded gun now......no more excuses.

Time to stop being pathetic and do the world a favor.

But I won't.....because I'm even a failure at suicide. Third times a charm???

Maybe.

just dropping in

to say I'm alive......and fat.....as always, unfortunately.

I started running. Well one day so far. I'm signing up for a 5k with my gf I workout with.

Suicidal thoughts plague me. I can't take this feeling. I don't think it will ever go away.

I got back with Eric. I love him. We are moving in together. He already has the place, I just gotta finish carting my stuff.

Kittie, josie13, gianna, Run, Miranda and everyone else, I miss you, hope your doing ok.

<3