I FINALLY WORKED OUT!!!!

Yesterday......another success!!

Cal intake was pretty high: 767. But my output was 1865. Totaling (1306) Yay.

I did the four miles to and from the bus. When I got home I was sooo lazy and had a splitting migraine as usual....and as usual I DID NOT wanna work out. I saw my resistance kit on my bed and my "WORKOUT FATASS" alarm went off (haha yes I did set it) and I thought to myself "okay well at least do some strength if your not gunna run." And I did that plus more. I turned the TV on and grabbed my laptop. I discovered this youtube video yesterday called 14 Killer Ab Workouts for a Six Pack Abs and I set it up. It involves a stability ball for all of them. I basically watched the guy to each one, paused the video and did 25 of each...or tried. Some of them require balance which I have none of. Also some put strain on your back, which mine at the time has really been killing me from sleeping on the bus. MAN - if someone was video taping me doing them they would get quite the laugh. There was one particular exercise where you were on your tip toes bent over and had to roll our upper arms back and forth of this ball. I fell off the ball like every time, once almost killing my dog hahahah. I was even laying there cracking up....something straight from a movie I swear. So the exercises I couldn't seem to master I filled in with with other types of crunches and what not. I couldn't tell you the exact count but I at least did 250. Took about twenty minutes. Then I did arms for twenty, then legs for twenty. A whole hour!! I was sitting there feeling so good and proud of myself so I got up, went outside and jogged for ten minutes! I know it was only ten minutes and a mile but FUCK - way better than I have done the past three years. I'm so proud of me....listen as I toot my own horn hahahah.

Today I am slightly sore in the stomach but nothing that will stop me from working out again tonight. Assuming Dennis doesn't come by.....I just got a text from him saying he might have to work late again tonight so we will see. I wanna see him so bad but if he comes by I will only have time for like 30 minutes of strength. I have to bake the layers of the chocolate cake I am making for Eric's birthday Saturday since I wont have time on Friday. It take thirty minutes for the cakes to bake so I will workout during that. I'll be in bed way past ten and exhausted tomorrow for sure. But fucking Dennis and baking for Eric is so worth it LOL.

I am very worn out today. I could fall asleep in an instant. I need to get my energy up for tonight. May take a bronkaid on the bus. My cals today so far are:

Intake: 179 Output: 1829 Total: (1650)   :)

Well I don't have too much more to say. I've been watching ana/mia movies all day online and think I will get back to it.

Loves You All

P.S. Skeleton Strong- I am def on board with the Halloween Challenge. I posted on your wall I was in but I've been having issues with Blogger lately so I'm not sure of you saw it. My goal is 135. Thanks for the invite!! *hugs*  

GRRRRRRRR

For some fucking stupid reason Blogger is not letting me post comments today which really sucks...I have read all the blogs I'm following and post and re-post comments and it's like they disappear into thin air. Not sure wtf that is about.........

Also, pretty sure the Dennis thing is over.......I have no confirmation of this. He said things were totally fine but he has barely talked to me since yesterday which is not like him. Lame. I knew I shouldn't have listened to what my friend said.....greedy bitch. I seriously need to just follow MY OWN rules from now on. Lesson learned.

Yesterday was a complete success. Net Calories for the day was (1427).....yay. And I did wake up 145.4 so THANK GOD. Today I am shooting for the same goals as yesterday but with more exercise. I walked to the bus today so I already have two miles in there and I walk home so that will give me another two. If Dennis comes over which is a 50/50 chance I'll be worked out that way also....hahah. I also need to get in 100 push ups and 100 sit ups. I want to get a new piercing for my birthday and I've decided on these:

The hip piercings, not the navel....

That will take me to a whopping 26 piercings......yay :)

It's total inspiration to get my stomach in great shape. I need to do at least 100 stomach exercises every night, 100 being a lazy number I can work higher at. Dennis is a personal trainer part time so I asked him to give me a list of stomach exercises as well. I have two months. Ugh I'll never make it. Anytime I set a goal for myself I always fail at it. Fucking sucks. I think I am going to set a reminder in my phone......"Go do sit ups fat ass".......yeah I think that's appropriate.

My bosses girlfriend just walked in......one of those 40something's that is in AMAZING shape, fake boobs, tan and all. I asked her one time what she did to stay in such great shape. Her response: "Oh, I've never worked out a day in my life!! *giggle*" GRRRRRRRRRR. Why did I have to be born with the fat metabolism side of the family?!?!?!? Thanks Dad.

Does anyone know where Zette has been? I thoroughly enjoy her blog and she hasn't posted in quite some time......somewhat worried.....hopefully its just a gay Internet thing....... : /

Well I'm bored as shit but have nothing more to say at the moment.......may post later.

Choi.



YAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

I hit 144.6 on Sunday!!! I haven't been that low since......god.....HS? Eggsssshhhhh

So happy I got to mark that one off. I wont lie to you ladies, I did wake up 146 (even)this morning, and I didnt binge or anything like that last night. I did have a glass of wine to help my sleep and ended up being up all night chugging water (how ironic) so I am hoping it is water weight and I will be back to at least 145 tomarrow. Just to be sure though I did a semi fast today. Breakfast was a banana cuz I have to eat with my Chantix and for lunch I ate half a cucumber with salt n pepper. I dont want my metabolism slowing down either. It's already at snails pace.....lol.

Thank you SO MUCH for the four lovelies that gave me nice compliments on my pictures. I love you all!!!!

Weekend was kind of a disaster. Ended up getting shit faced and broke up with Eric. We are back together now of course and pretty much fine. See........I drank way too much Tequila Friday. We went upstairs to put me to bed and I ended up asking him if he was cheating on me (HMMMM GUILTY CONSCIENCE??? YEAH I THINK SO) and then started ranting off about how he didn't know me and my evil past and I bring him down and he deserves better...la la la. At least it wasn't me putting him down or calling names, cuz he is totally undeserving of that. Low and behold he was completely heart broken and left. I woke up at 8am the next day with a slight recollection on what went down and started crying. He came over around 11 and we made up. Phew. I know I am unsure of him at times but I (selfishly) don't want to loose him. I REALLY thought I was ready to break up with him but I'm not. I need to make a decision and stop stringing along a great guy. Another reason why I am such an asshole. :(

I'm hoping to get to see Dennis tomorrow. We had a talk earlier about money that didnt go so smoothly.....I am hoping I didn't blow this. Fingers croxxed for sure. I need that sex and $$$$ BAD. Lol.

OH.....I almost forgot!! To any ladies out there who are completely flat chested as I am......I went shopping yesterday and found THE BEST Maidenform bra of my life. I bought it at Kohl's. But you can also buy them directly from the websight http://www.maidenform.com/bras/styles/push-up-bras/maidenform-ultimate-push-up-bra-09359. It's call the Ultimate push up or the Maidenform Poof! I wear and A cup and I put this thing on and I look like a D. It's fucking brilliant!!! And only 27.99!! Usually I don't even spend that much money of a bra since I dont need support or anything for this boy scout chest but this is WELL worth it and the quality is superb. I can see myself having this for a good few years. :)

I have a terrible migraine today. At first I thought it was from food, but I ate that cucumber and it has gotten worse.....lack of nicotine? Probably. The Chantix is working great but I did break down a bit this weekend and bummed some from firends so, yeah. Maybe that's it.

Well not too much else to say so I'm off to catch up on blogs. Hope everyone is doing well today!

Updated Pics of Me From This Morning. 146.4

Excuse my FAT stomach......eghhhhh

Starting to see improvement from resistance training

Drunk and bored from other night.....ewww stretch marks......

Drunk and bored 2 from other night......LOL

I'm no model that's for sure hahaha. Please put comments negative or positive!! I need honest input!!!

Sooo Much Good Shit To Say!!! Okay and One Bad Thing.....

I should be a fortune teller....hahah not really but I do know myself....(Bad Thing)...came into work this morning and went straight to the cold pizza....the three smallest squares in the Tupperware. Purged. Double fail. For some reason I'm not freaking about it so much though.....kinda makes me wonder why? Could it be because I'm in an AMAZING MOOD????? oh yes probably. :)

Weight: 146.4.....eeekkkkkkk!!! Almost to 145. (U'd think I wouldn't dive into that pizza after a good weigh in???? Lame) If I succeed this weekend I am def checking off that box come Monday!! I hope so!! I know we might be visiting Eric's friends downtown tomorrow so I need to have a solid plan......I always say that.. "Solid Plan"....and "Epic"......hahah bear with me girls. : p

Before I jump into the "Sexy SD Stories From Last Night" I'll outline my weekend plan:

Tonight Eric and I are staying local because my mom is going to stay over at my grandparent house for a visit. I have dog duty. Which I totally don't mind because my dog is wonderful.....wish I had a picture on hand to upload. :(  She's so fricking cute. I told him I do not want to sit on my ass n watch a movie like we ALWAYS do....so I'm not sure what is going to go down. I'm planning on NO BOOZE. I have to conserve cals for Saturday in case we go out to the city. I plan on drinking Jose Cuervo Light Margaritas. I calculated it......861 cals for a whole bottle. (Yes I will drink the whole bottle....lol) I know....WAY over my daily intake limit. But I figure if I drink that and bring a bag of frozen broccoli with me I'll still be under 1000 for the day. Could be worse. And Tequila dries me the fuck out so I'm praying for a dehydrated Sunday. Fingers Crossed. Saturday I plan no eating until we go downtown...it will be HARD especially with Eric around. If I do eat I'm going steamed veggie. Sunday - same plan.........Let's just say it's a steamed veggie weekend. Anyone wanna join? :)

SOOOO......onto the sexiness.......Meet Dennis:

GOD DAMN......okay I know everyone's preferences are different so if you don't think he's fine that's cool. But to me..........yuuuuuummmmmmmmyyyy. He's 40 and in THAT SHAPE????? Go you brotha.....

Let me just tell you I had some of the best sex of my life last night and I don't even feel one twing of guilt today.....okay MAYBE a bit.....but not anything that is going to stop me. And he like WORSHIPPED me.....it was fucking amazing. Whether he was totally bullshitting me or not whatever, it felt great. He was all like:

"I've wanted you for years....."

"I think of you when I fuck my wife."

"I can't believe I'm fucking you.....FINALLY."

"Your so hot and beautiful...."

"My God Jamie you're so tiny why don't you see yourself like I do"

Etc Etc Etc Etc

Oh and his dick is HUGE by the way. Fucking SCOOOOORE. He plowed the shit outta me and I am one happy girl today. AHHHHHH I can't wait until I see him again!! And of course.....I got a few hundred bucks. Yep, pretty awesome to me. I see why men cheat now. They want the stability of a good wife and mother and/or nurturer at home. Someone to take care of them n vice versa. But if there sexual needs aren't met they go elsewhere. Not for the emotional connection - just the sex. Dennis is doing just that. And so am I. We were talking about his wife and Eric last night. I feel bad for the guy. His wife gives him sex like once a month. I can't imagine how shitty that is. HOW DOES THIS WOMAN LIVE?? Especially with that hot bod in the house? I'm completely lost. I suggested that maybe she was depressed....I know I have lost my sex drive before during extremely dark times. He said they talked about it and she said she really wasn't sad or anything. Who knows if that's the truth or not. Could she be just one of those women that doesn't need sex? Maybe? Then I thought maybe his sexy body was intimidating to her. When they met Dennis DID NOT look like that. Def had some chunk on him. His wife is well.......curvy. But she wears it well in my opinion. But I guess she gained like thirty pounds since the marriage because she was on all these crazy meds for invitro (they can't have kids :( ). I feel for the woman I do, that must be a terrible feeling. But I still think she is VERY beautiful. And I've met her before and she seems OK.....I say okay because she actually scares the shit outta me lol. I used to wait on her and Dennis at the bar I worked at and I always thought I was getting the death stare. But when I stepped back and looked at her and Dennis together they always seemed to be having so much fun together....who knows........This is is wife Dawn:

See? Beautiful face in my opinion.....and shit I have zero boobs so GO YOU!

I dunno. I hope this all works out. Great sex, no one getting caught, and shit....money doesn't hurt either. :)

Well my ladies I'm off......I'll be posting a updated pic of myself here in a bit.....phone is just being gay...sometimes my android gets goofy syncing to my email. Laters!!!

P.S. Oh and please.....if you feel negatively about what I'm doing I would still love to hear your opinions. Every single one counts. <3

Toodles.



Why Does He Have To Buy Pizza On a Fast Day??

I was fasting today because the SD is supposed to come over later. Despite my efforts this week my weight is still barely going down. Usually when I fast I can loose up to two pounds a day. Now I am barely loosing .5 pounds a day. FUCK ME. The SD isnt even sure if he can make it by now tonight because of a work thing but I am not going to let that be an excuse to eat....even though there is devil food about twenty feet away from me right now.

My boss ordered and 18 inch pizza. UGH. Such a trigger food for me. The smell is taking up the office. I can't fucking take this. I am so hungry it is killing me. But I just want to be thin. Such a tug-o-war. I feel like just running out of this office like my hair is on fire and running laps until it is all gone. Which it wont be. An 18 inch pizza for three people = leftovers. Which means I will be tempted all day. And then when I get to work tomorrow there will still be pizza in the god damn fridge. SHIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT. I knew I should have taken a Bronkaid when I got here.

Opinions......so last week even though I was barely eating shit I was still eating tiny bites three time a day at meal time. Now I am pretty much fasting and I am seeing barely any results.......the curse of the fast? Slowing the metabolism down or was last week just a jump since I started eating "healthy" and now this is where it will stay? I surely hope not.

It's 2 pm. I get out of work at 5 pm. Three hours I need to pull through. I just took a Bronk. PLEASE GOD KICK IN SOON I NEED YOU.

Please pray for me ladies, for I am weak but also very FAT.

So.....I am still having second thoughts about the SD but what is done is done. Eric came over yesterday and he ended up eating before he came over so we did not make dinner together. I became enraged but did not let him know. I am a complete idiot. You'd think I would be happy: "YAY, I got out of the meal!!" Nope. I have this weird thing with food. (HAHAHAH did I just say that - DUH). Let me explain more:

When I grew up family dinners were everything. I am Italian....which probably explains alot without elaborating. Dinners were always planned. No phones, no tv. Everyone ate together. No one started before anyone else. No one left the table before everyone was done. Everyone finished their plate and all leftovers were saved and eaten the following day. PERIOD. All was planned, followed and never faultered. Throw and ED in there - madness at meal time. When Eric told me "I was hungry so I didn't wait for you" I fucking snapped mentally. He knows little of how I actually feel about what he had "done"...broken a mealtime "rule." I kept my cool and just said "fine" back to him via text. If my phone wasn't such a piece of shit I would forward the texts I sent my ED buddy after he told me this. Completely ridiculous ideas and feelings coming from my head, but I guess its good I at least recognize this and didn't blow a gastet on my boyfriend. When he picked me up he was drinking a coffee. That even pissed me off more.....why I am not sure. On the drive home I finally opened my mouth.

Me: I'm disappointed we are not having dinner together (me trying to sound normal lol)
Him: Well we usually don't eat together so I didn't think it was a big deal
Me: Since when?? Since we started dating we have always eaten dinner together on Wednesdays.
Him: We didnt last week.
Me: Yeah, we didnt last week because you were WORKING NIGHTS.....(DUH)
Him: Oh........
Me: Listen if you don't want to eat together that's fine, I know I don't get home till late but you need to let me know. I plan my day around this.
Him: (Confused dumb stare)
Me: You know I'm on this weird diet right now and since I thought we were eating together I didnt eat anything today and now you've eaten and my schedule is all messed up. (Damnit I'm saying too much)
Him: Well I know you haven't eaten so make something before we start our movie.
Me: I'm not eating
Him: Why?
Me: Because I'm not going to sit and eat by myself, it makes me uncomfortable. (SHUT YOUR MOUTH DUMBASS, YOU ARE TELLING HIM TOO MUCH)
Him: (sad face) You know you can eat......now I feel bad.
Me: Don't feel bad, it's not that big of a deal I just look forward to cooking with you (I'm trying to save my ass here) and had some stuff planned but we can always do it next week. (Fake smile)
Him: (Still kinda sad face) okay, I'm sorry.
Me: Really it's ok (Give him a kiss when i wanna deck the shit outta him)

EYYYYYYY. I really let on to much about my weird food shit. Sub-concious need for attention? God I hope not.....coul be though. Crap. Let's not lie to myself.....I am the most introverted attention queen ever. What a double edged sword.

Well pray I get through this day. Also pray I can get through this night :(

FUCKING SHIT - A perfect world would have zero calorie peanut butter.

I feel a binge coming on.......Eric took his truck in to get looked at today and accordingly to his extremely vague text messages I am getting the feeling he wont be coming by. I don't care about the canceling.....man need to get his shit done and i have plenty-o-house work i can do but i am SO FUCKING HUNGRY and my head is killing me. Quitting smoking and fasting at the same time are means for mental distruction. And Binge destruction. I keep telling myself that as soon as I put a drop of food in my mouth I will feel like complete garbage (which is true) but the desire to eat is still plauging my brain. UGH. And now I am going to be left home with those god for saken garlic mashed potatos. Shit Fuck!!! Do i take a Bronk?? I just might. I only have three left and i would def say this is a desperate situation..........hmmm.

Okay so after I typed the above paragraph I ended up dipping into my collegues peanut butter. I really need to stop doing that. I only ate 1 tsp....not tbsp...tsp and i cant believe how something in such small portion could make me feel so much better. I could feel like taste sensors going off in my head and instantly my headache begin to feel better. Don't get me worng....i still have a headache....but not nearly as it was. It does make me sick to my stomach though to log that shit. 31.4 cals for ONE TSP can u believe that??? In a perfect world there would be calorie free PB. Or at least something ridicuosly less damaging. Soooo gooood but soooo baaaaaaad. In this case being bad does not feel good (like it usually does with me, lol).

I'll be sure to update tmorrow. Wish Me Luck.

Life After THE BINGE & Cheating on My Boyfriend

Really regretting that binge on Sunday. If I wouldn't have fucked up I guarantee I would be about four pounds lower. I have starved myself as much as possible since then and my weight has gone NO WHERE. I'm so frustrated with myself. I need to come up with a solid plan for this weekend. I have like zero plans and that means possible mucho time spent around my house and demon food. UGH. Tom Skilling is also calling for rain all weekend which sucks ass because that leaves no room for outside activities. Not that I usually do them but one can hope right?? I have my usual chores I have to get done but that's not until Sunday and we all know what happened this past Sunday. Binging while cleaning. Pathetic. I keep racking my brain to think of other things I can do. I do have a Tae Boa DVD that I can finally use since I bought a resistance kit. Let's see if I can squeeze that in somewhere. It's so hard with having this boyfriend. All we ever do on the weekends is lay around like lazy asses and eat n drink. We both are tight on money so that doesn't leave many options to get outta the house and actually do anything. Does anyone have some suggestions?? I need them for sure.

I'm going to do something bad tomorrow..........I'm going to cheat on my boyfriend. I have never cheated on anyone before in my life and it makes me sick that I'm planning to do this tomorrow. I know I don't HAVE to but it's in my best interests financially to do so. Yes - I found another Sugar Daddy. This guy is super fine and a close family friend of mine. He has been asking me for the past two years to set up an arrangement with him but I've always said no because he is married and my mother's friend. I have good and evil running through my head. Good says:

1. You have made a promise to yourself about cheating, don't break it.
2. You have a boyfriend who is amazing and treats you good, don't fuck it up.
3. KARMA IS A BITCH
4. Money isn't everything, you'll pull yourself outta financial hell one day
5. He is one of your mother's best long term friends, don't disappoint her like this.

Evil says:

1. Promises Smomises. You have gone back on many "morals" already in your life, who cares.
2. You're boyfriend is great but it's not like your married or see yourself every marring him so whatever
3. Your Karma is already fucked because you've slept with married men already. What's one more?
4. Money is the only way you will be able to start your life over in a reasonable time. DO IT NOW.
5. My mother will never find out so what's the harm?

For every reason I give myself for not doing it i come up will and exact reason to say fuck it and go ahead. I had a long text convo with the SD yesterday and said dirty things and sent him dirty pics so I've already fucked up as it is. But it's still not sex ya know? I already pretty much gave the green light to everything so
I can't turn back now. When I started SD'ing last year it was hard at first. But after the initial first couple weeks it got easy and I actually enjoyed it because the money was ridiculous. Call me a prostitute but I was at least high end and I only slept with one guy at a time.....except for one month when I was transitioning from one guy to another. I imagine cheating on Eric will become easy over time just as that was. Not that I want cheating on my boyfriend's to be my new found life style but shiiiit. I'm so broke and have so much debt I can barely hang on, and let's living rent free at my mother's house (fucking ewww I know). If Eric and I break up during this arrangement I will NOT be dating anyone else......I just can't see myself breaking up with him right now for an SD. Money will make you do terrible things. I know I will never be emotionally attached to this SD which is good. It makes me feel 1% better that at least I am not cheating emotionally. It's all business. But cheating is cheating bottom line. I don't know how my life ever came to this. :'(

Cals today.....ugh. I should never eat again. I had a biscuit for bfast with a cup of coffee. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking eating a biscuit. I was just running out the door late and had to eat something with my Chantix and they were conveniently on the counter. I did forget to grab my soup though so I will be without a stitch of food until about 8pm. It's only 11am and I'm already starving. I'm afraid to take a Bronk because I don't wanna get sick. I must rely on will power today. Eric comes over for our usual Wednesday dinner tonight also. Veggies for me. There's homemade garlic mashed potatoes in the fridge that I will be serving to him with his meal. I must not eat any. They are so fucking good and so hard to resist!!!

This isn't me.....but a strikingly similar resemblance. Stay skinny girls. Someone has to.



I Don't Think I'll Ever Be Okay.........

.........I don't think I can go on like this for much longer......



The Weekend

Weekend was a success until yesterday. :(

Friday night and me and the boy ended up going out. I ordered a Taco salad, no meat, no sour no guac. Tad of salsa. Ate half with a glass of water and purged. Sweet. Saturday I didn't eat until 3:30pm. 1 piece bread, 1 piece cheese and 8 oz of Roasted red pepper soup with the boy before I went to Zach's memorial party. The party had a shit ton of ethnic food (OMG YUM) but I stayed strong and resisted everything until severe beer muchies kicked in and had a tad of spinach dip and a spoonful of rice. The amount of beer and hard liqiour I drank was horrendous. Ended up waking up Sunday at the same weight. : / I know if I didnt drink I would have been lower but at least I manitained for all the shit I put into my body. Sunday.....oh god Sunday......I freaking lost it. I woke up without a hangover but my appetite was someting of a monster. The bears game was on at noon and Eric was hungry so we decided to go to the store and make "Game Day" lunches: Hot dogs with seasoned fries. FRICK. I bought myself a pack of veggie dogs. Ended up eating two. Both had buns, a slice of cheese, ketchup, mustard and dill relish. Oh....and I had a nice serving of fried nasty delicious fries. FML. I tried purging it but bread is always a challenge and I probably got barely 100 calories out. I got dropped back off at home about 5:30 pm. My house was empty. My fridge was stuffed. My stomach was growling. I imagine you can guess what happened. BINGE CITY. From what I can remember I consumed (this is gunna be gross....just a warning):

1. 2 More veggie dogs dressed up the same as lunch time.
2. Half a cheese sammie with mustard
3. 5 Oatmeal choclate chip cookies
4. Mini bag of Cheetos
5. 6 inch cheese pizza bread
6. Nature Valley granola bars (2)
7. 1 Veggie burger w/ cheese, k & m
8. GIGANTIC salad with cheese, ranch, crutons and tuna....yep fucking fish.
9. Estimate 20oz of skim milk
10. 3 Diet Cokes

I think that's it but I'm sure I missed something.....obviously this was all purged. Another Epic Fail. I woke up this morning feeling like complete and utter garbage. Back, stomach and head ache. I obviously deserve it. The scale was also up 1 pound. Nice work FAT ASS. Ugh.

I knew a binge was going to happen and I knew it would happen this weekend. It always happens on the fucking weekend. What's sad is I tried to stay busy to avoid this. I vacummed and dusted and swept floors and mopped and did laundry etc etc......all stopping in between tasks to stuff my god damn face. :'(

So far today I am back on track. Had my usual oatmeal with half a red apple for breakfast, some tea and of course....water. I'm negative on calories but can feel my fat bloated stomach underneath my clothes and wanna scream. I'm starving right now and I know it's because I binged yesterday. I know I should fast today but if I do that I'll just fuck up when I get home so I'm going to eat a veggie soup here in a minute. 120 cals. Blah. Cals for today after the soup with be:

Cal Intake: 378  Output: 974 = (596) 

Shittyyyy if u ask me.

Goals for Tonight:

1. Sit Ups
2. Tanning
3. Steamed Veggie Dinner
4. Early Bedtime

Laters.

YESTERDAY WAS A SUCCESS!!! Sort of....... (LONG POST)

Okay so yesterday night went as follows......

Got a text from a gf asking if I wanted to drive to Bridgeview (not close to our homes) to look at new fridges with her for her dad. I knew this would interfere with basically any and all cleaning I had to do but iI took the opportunity as a way to be out of the house for a few more hours and AWAY from food. I jumped on the it. On the way home she goes "I'm starving and I know you haven't eaten shit today, we are stopping at Panera." (I really need to stop talking about my eating habits with friends...) So obv I was stuck. I know I could of said no but I hate the sad/mad looks my friends give me when I wont eat and the mini lectures that follow. And they all call me skinny which makes me want to punch them in the face. So as I scanned the Panera menu and settled on their low fat vegetarian black beans soup. It had the lowest cals on their menu and I have been trying to eat more beans do to recent "back up" issues so I went for it. The menu boards said it was only 170 cals......which I thought was weird and low but they can't lie on menu boards right? WROOOONNNNGGGGG. I get to work today and go to log it on my cal site. Looked up the cals to double check my memory on the Panera sight and the fucking soup has 265 cals not 170. I was pissed. So totals for yesterday are:

Cals: 673 Cals Burned: 1939 = (1266)

I guess still not bad but I don't take well to being lied to....especially about calories. On our way out the teller girl gave us free cookies and cake. Awesome. Of course the whole way home I thought about binging on them before I even closed my door. BUUUTTTT I STAYED STRONG!!! My mom came home and devoured the cake and I text a picture of the cookie to the bf saying it was his so there's NO WAY I can eat them now. Nice try April from Panera.....no sale here. :)

Today's cals are only at 263.....I have yet to eat lunch....which is the steamed cabbage I skipped for dinner yesterday. 2 cups....68 cals. Dinner with them man tonight.....ugh......I can't wait to see him but not happy about eating. We did decided what to do. I'm cooking and we are renting a movie which is good for my wallet and my fat ass. I have no clue what he wants to eat though. But that doesn't matter too much cuz whenever we cook I always make 1 or 2 veggies so I'm in the clear. If he is not craving anything in particular it will be salmon with brown rice and spinach and corn. His sauteed mine plain. Corn is scary to eat but I know he will not be happy if I don't so I plan on loading up the green and only a bit of the yellow. I only eat the veggies, the rice n fish is all him.

So Tom (The one involved in the recent saddening events) made a comment on my facebook today. I posted a rant about bullshit panera boards and he commented with "I'm so sick of you talking about loosing wieght.....you're tiny girl." Okay:

1. Tom you are MANOREXIC by nature.....don't you see I'm trying to be like you?? :) (And your super hot and I want you.....lol)

2. I fuckin love you for saying that you string bean of a man. <3

Here's some pics of Tom and Me:

mmmmm I love a man with tattoo's........delish

ironically.....us with chip bags.....we were stoned and hungry.....excuse my fat arm.

At Christmas time  we were on each other hardcore and I had to perfect chance to fuck him but didn't.....he kept begging for it and I said I couldn't cuz i was fat....face palm.....you never tell a guy that. UGH. Now he's with a new chic anyways who could beat my ass for sure if I even tried anything. But of course i wouldn't cuz I have Eric and I HAVE NEVER WILL NEVER cheat. Just saw too much hurt my dad put on my mom as a kid.

I took a Bronk today cuz I felt weak after Panera. So glad I did. I'm flying high and cant even think of eating right now......maybe I'll fast today??? :)  ......oh wait....I had that slice of rye for BF....crap lol.

Well I'm off. I will prob be back to ramble later cuz I'm cracked out off this pill :)

I'm FREAKING OUT

I know I already posted today but as I sit here my hunger is greatly increasing (since i purged my soup - GOD DAMN IT YOUR TEETH WOMAN). I purged the soup because: I only had plans to eat 1.5 servings. I knew if I ate the whole can my sodium intake would be way too high for the day. What do i do? As I am reading about potassium I am sitting there mindlessly eating and I soon hear the "clank" of the spoon against the bowl and realize SHIT I ATE IT ALL. I always do that if I eat soup and read. It's like a work comfort thing its weird. ( I have to have soup when I do in depth reading at my desk......oddddddd)

Anyways back to the point.......I'm worried because my hunger is intense and cravings are HIGH. I almost crumbled this morning over a bag of Doritos but as I was slowly taking my hand off the Gas Station counter top to grab the little fucker below the teller politely said my total for my cigs and I realized I COULD NOT ask her to ring up the Doritos. THANK YOU SO MUCH STRANGE GAS STATION LADY!! You saved my fat ass. But since my cravings are so high and I have been doing well the past few days I am afraid tragedy could strike at any moment this evening. I have cleaning to do around the house so I know it will keep me busy but let's be honest here....I can set the Windex down at any moment and go Ape Shit on the kitchen. UGH. OK, plan of attack is: as soon as I get home eat the cabbage. 2 cups. Maybe even in a binge fashion. As gross as this sounds, when I am binging viciously after restricting for days I eat like a wild beast. Standing in the open fridge eating "silver ware" items with my bare hands....PB, cooked veggies, mac n cheese - whatever is in the damn fridge basically. I am wondering if I stand in the fridge eating cabbage out of the cookware with my hands if it will trick my mind.......Trust me I know how stupid this sounds but I'm totally trying it tonight. Everyone PRAY for me....I will let you know tomorrow if it worked.

Stay Lovely.

Updates, Potassium and a Blogger Question - PLEASE HELP

Hello There.

So this week has been going great food wise. THANK GOD I lost almost all my weed binge weight from the disasters of last week. Got into the 140's as of this morning and still holding strong. My only flub may be Zach's memorial party this weekend due to alcohol. (I'll update on Zach n Tom next.) My calorie intakes have been negative all week and I have been forcing myself to walk in this bullshit Chicago weather everyday so I'm still getting in the daily 4 miles. I seriously need to up the exercise though as usual. I'm so fucking lazy I swear. I just downloaded my Calorie Count App to my phone so I am hoping my logging becomes better than it has been, although I have been doing pretty great. So far today:

Cal Intake: 268 Cal Output: 1173 = (905)

I was extremely productive last night. I cleaned THE ROOM!! YAYYYYY!! One mark off the list of "Things to Fail At." And I also cleaned the kitchen and my bedroom, boiled cabbage to eat for dinner today and cut up some fresh carrots for lunch tomorrow. All in three hours. I'm patting myself on the back as we speak lol. I've been sooo unmotivated lately. Tonight's plan is to clean the house (I do it once a week - dusting, vacuuming, etc), paint my wrecked nails and do 100 sit-ups. No matter how much weight I loose I will not get rid of this kangaroo pouch I have without toning. Same with my Oprah arms. I bought a resistance kit and it sits in my closet. UUGGHHHH, bad girl I know.

Zach's memorial is Saturday.... :'( His parents are hippies and follow some different religion or something so instead of the normal burial they are just throwing a party at their house. Man it's gunna be crazy cuz me and that crowd can party.....great way to remember Zach. Tom is doing OK from what I hear, I haven't seen him yet. I just wanna give that kid a big hug. I can't imagine what he is going through right now......

Potassium......we are supposed to get 4,700 mg a day and I am finding this fucking impossible. If anyone knows a good supplement that is potassium rich please let me know. I'm only getting 1000-1500mg's a day with what I eat......and supplements are only 3 percent per tab.....I'm clueless how I can still restrict and get enough. : /

Blogger Question: Since I have created my new blog I have been unable to post comments on pages I follow. It always gives me this stupid message "u are not allowed to view this page, please log into another email account" okay well that's garbage cuz I already viewed the page fucking Blogger I just cant post shit. I log into my secondary email (yahoo) and it says the same thing. I'm confused as all hell and ready to snap. If anyone can help me PLEASE contact me! My last resort is calling blogger and then I get to have them view my wonderful ED blog....not my cup of tea.

Hope everyone else is well. And THIN. :)

One Friend Died, One Friend Jailed: Fuck Life Altogether

Weekend sucked ass.

I found out Saturday afternoon that my friend died. I wasn't very close with this kid, more of an acquaintance personally, but I have other guy friends who were extremely close with him. I am closer with Tom. Just think: one lazy Saturday afternoon your playing video games with your roommate, the next second an SUV flies into the living room of your home and crushes you against the kitchen wall. UGH. Yes this actually happened. THE REAL STORY: Zach and Tom lived together in a home the rented from Tom's parents. Tom's son was over that morning and afternoon because it was his birthday. An hour after his son left Tom and Zach were playing video games in the living room. A 65 year old female neighbor across the street was getting into her SUV. Apparently the SUV accelerator pedal got stuck and she went rocketing across the street and directly into Tom's living room, crushing Zach to death at the same time. Now, my friends aren't innocent. As you know neither am I. At the time of the accident there were weed plants growing in a back room and Zach had 1/2 ounce of blow in the his room. So immediately after Tom watched his friend die he was taken to jail. What does the media say about this??? No one actually gives a shit about Zach dying, all they care about is the god damn weed in the house. TOM DOESN'T EVEN SELL WEED. He grows the shit for his own personal use. And now every god damn TV and Internet report about it says that a "drug operation" or "grow house" was uncovered by freak accident. Go Fuck Yourself WGN. Go Fuck Yourself Internet. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE. All I can do is get teary eyed when i think of such a sick freak accident and the terrible things that are coming from it. TOM HAS TWO KIDS. TOM JUST SAW HIS BEST FRIEND FUCKING KILLED ON HIS SON'S BIRTHDAY. And now he sits in jail alone with no one to talk to, no one to try and give him hope. Ugh I just cant stand life anymore!!! Too many people and friends have died. I am so sick of funerals and seeing friends and family in pain.


Here's an article from a Chicago news team. Yeah Go Fuck Yourself NBC.

http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/lockport-car-into-house-129590333.html

I feel like I'm supposed to talk about calories. I don't even care right now. Well I do but don't. I got to a fat 156 today. Nice fat ass. Basically binged all weekend. Finished my weed though. Thank god that's gone. Never buying that shit again.

I have so much to say but cant find the energy to say it. Maybe I'll write later. :'(

RIP ZACH, You will surely be missed. My thought are with your family at the horrible time.

TOM - I LOVE YOU MAN. I WILL HELP YOU IN ANYWAY I CAN. Hold on bro.

Binging and Boyfriend

EGH......let's start with binging shall we.......

Last night was AGAIN and epic failure. Ate like 1300 cals all day. Purged some. Who knows. Woke up this morning feeling fat, looking bloated and of course - Hating Myself. My issue this week is derived from the weed plant. I stupidly bought weed on Monday and have been smoking it every night when i get home from work which just hurls me into the DANGER ZONE.  I have no control or strength against weed munchies. I found myself in mid hop/prance/who knows in the middle of the kitchen talking to myself while staring at the fridge. Obviously the fridge one. Even when I'm high and say things like "ok binge on veggies" or "ok, well just cuz your high doesn't mean you get to be a FAT ASS" they just don't seem to work. I'm trying to be amazing at dieting and self control because I'm basically a failure in every other way possible in life so I have to be good at SOMETHING. So frustrating. Luckily my mom and her bf/dude man/whatever will be home tonight packing for their camping trip this weekend so I wont be able to get ripped. I have a full evening of cleaning ahead of me. I'm taking on the laundry and THE ROOM. Oh dear lord if I don't blog by Saturday afternoon send the search party.....I'm dead under a box of cookware (ironically)......lol. Today's intake is 262...output is 12somethingsomething. We all know I'm just going to fail tonight anyways.

The boyfriend......uhhh......I don't know where I'm going with this. I have a tendency of being annoyed with my boyfriends when I'm high so I've been blaming my complete disgust for Eric on that all week but even when I'm not high and he's around I'm just annoyed and totally non affectionate. I mean I'm nice and all....I have to put up a cover.....but inside I'm screaming "JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY." Which is completely rude and wrong of me because Eric is one of the sweetest guys I ever met and does everything for me. I wonder.....is it because he is a NICE guy and not a DICK that makes him a turn off? Am I one of those typical cliche girls who only strives for assholes? Oh dear I think so. Like I don't even want him to touch me. Thinking about kissing him or sleeping with him is sooooo yuck right now. What is wrong with me?? I even talked to my mom about it the other day and apparently she's the same way. After like the first month or two she just gets sick of who she's dating.......it's so fucked up of us. I'm not going to act on anything just yet. I'm hoping its just this weed week and I will be back to normal come Monday. But who knows. This weekend I have the house to myself and that's what I want completely: to be BY MYSELF. Tonight will be easy cuz I already told Eric Friday's are Jamie day cuz I have all my house cleaning and stuff to do. I imagine he will come over Saturday late afternoon and stay till Sunday. EGH. God as I type this I know what I'm saying and how I sound. It's horrible of me. Why do i not like this guy?? Ugh I'm so confused right now.

Work is tres boring.......the beginning of the day went by fast cuz I had work to do but now I'm sitting here. I need to have something to watch on the comp. Netfliz want me to download some update and I don't trust downloading shit on my work computer so I'm stuck here. Boo...and MTV keeps slacking on re posting Teen Mom episodes. Fucking bastards. And I'm anxiously awaiting new books. I guess I'll cruise youtube for some thinspo and what not as usual.

Toodles.

Down 3lbs AND SHES RUSSIAN

Thank god. About to hit the 40's again. Last night eating was a success but I had three glasses of wine....cal intake way too high. Blah. Today I'm at (903).....lets home home life doesn't ruin that. I'm not drinking. I have laundry and cleaning to do. I'd love to go to Walmart and get my scripts and new vitamins. We shall see about that one.

So I went to the Doc today and she turned out to be Russian. Awesome since Russian people are my favorite. To my COMPLETE SHOCK she was a fucking bitch. Looked at me like i was banana for my symptoms, gave me no blood tests and then told me I need acupuncture. You god damn quack. Ugh. I'm still thinking about the acupuncture. I've always been interested in it and most natural medicine. in this case I don't think her suggestion is the right one. But i guess what the hell do i know??? I also left her office with a script for Chantix, the quit smoking pill. I posted my excitement on FB about it and all I got was negative comments. Thanks for the support bastards. The thing that pissed me off the most is that my good friend Kielma had something to say about it......"Oh I hear the side effects are terrible....okay you quit smoking but then you wanna kill yourself...how dumb!"

EXCUSE ME FRIEND - DO YOU NOT REMEMBER HOW MANY FUCKED UP ANTI DEPRESSANTS AND TRANQS I WAS ON???? Apparently not. And why dont you check the label of basically every birth control. They all have the same warning too. DUMB ASS.

Anywho....I hope this stuff works. I just talked to Eric and he is taking me to get my scripts after work so yay. I will keep you posted. I also need soy milk.....hmmm.....better run and make a list. Choi!

Went to the doctor...BLAH

Hello There.

Weekend update: ok so I made my salads, brought my veggies......had some chips and other things i should not have eaten. Go figure. Came home not one pound less fatter. FAIL

I started back on my calorie counter website. I fricken love it. And now that I have a laptop at home that my dad bought for me recently I feel more confident in sticking to it and logging at home. Fingers crxxsed.

Today's cal intake so far is 709. Output is 1363. = (654)

Tonight plan: Wednesday's is my mid week day with Eric since we spend mostly weekends together.  Ive put the squash on our Wednesday night dinners. Total fat ass behavior there. Plus I get home at 7 pm during the week so I need not be eating a ton that late. I have a red pepper, zucchini, onion, carrot and broccoli I plan on steaming. Spray of zero calorie "butter" and maybe a dash of salt. I really need to take my sodium intake down though so let's shoot for NO SALT. They make this diet salt that I use to use and need to start buying again. That butter shit is awesome too. Links for the salt and butter are:

http://www.icantbelieveitsnotbutter.com/Products/Spray.aspx

http://www.mortonsalt.com/products/foodsalts/Lite_Salt.htm

I also noticed they have a "Salt Substitute"....hmmm......something to look into. Not sure which one is healthier. Chemical wise. Lol. After my meal I told Eric to bring running shoes. We are doing a four mile walk. If I can stand from peeing my pants there may be intervals of light jogging. I will surely report tmarrow.

So today I went to the Gyno. Long over due. December 2009 I had an abnormal pap that said i had precancerous cells plaguing my cervix. YAY. Of course as I scheduled the surgery to get the shit removed my insurance switched and I had to change all my doctors. I basically got frustrated and said fuck it all. Now I'm getting my shit together again health wise because the past three weeks i have been so off physically.....well more than usual. So with the Gyno I had a new pap done and a full spread of STD tests. I don't think I have an STD but I have had a bladder infection for the past three weeks which has led me to become paranoid as shit. I haven't slept around and I know Eric hasn't cheated but shit. It's covered by insurance so LET'S TEST IT, right? At least my gyno was super cool, barely thirty. We had friendly banter while her hand was shoved into my vagina. Always a good sign.....hahaha.

Tomorrow i have another appointment with my GP. Her name is Tania Boskov. Hmm. I'm not racist by any means but when i choose doctors I try to keep them American and female. Ive given my fair chances to the Asian and Arabic doctors and I'm sorry - I know not ALL of them are like that - but the ones i have had seemed extremely cold hearted and blew off alot i had to say as a concerned patient. OH AND LET'S NOT FORGET - my Asian pediatrician was the one who told my mom to put me on a diet at 9 years old because i was 5 pounds over weight. YEAH. Dr. Milo go suck a fat one. I blame her for alot of my weight issues today. SORRY ALL ASIAN PEOPLE ARE FUCKING SKINNY. We whities are not. Deal with it. But ok ok....I'm getting off topic....so i hope I can at least be on a good level with this lady. I literally thought I might forget something so i made a list of symptoms:

1. Extreme lower abdominal pain
2. Chest pains like a fat man sat on me
3. Consistent heartburn
4. 3 week bladder infection from hell
5. Constipation (I'm guessing directly related to #1.)
6. Bleeding hemorrhoids. When I do shit, it's quite awful.
7. Lower back pain

Let's hope she doesn't blow any of these off. I am guessing bulimia is starting to catch up with me......however I have ZERO intention on telling this lady I am bulimic. I have enough fucked up shit on my medical records. I'd say I can talk my way into the same tests they would give a bulimic without having to unveil the secret. Bulimia is so embarrassing. "Yes ma'am, I do sit in the dark and shove food into my face." "Yes ma'am I have eaten out of the garbage." "Oh and yes ma'am, I do it all to throw it up so i can look into the mirror everyday." Sorry I'm not ready for that yet. Anorexics at least have some fucking will power. Bulimic are weak and pathetic. PERIOD. (Unless you're a bulimic compulsive exerciser...then I'll give you some credit.)

Well I'm off....must wrap up the work day. I should hopefully be posting later to update my meal and workout. But i will be with boy soooo.........at least I'll def post in the morn. :)

Last Night Melt Down and Other Things

Not even checking in weight today.....yeah F THAT.

Had a minor melt down last night.......I swear I tell my boyfriend way too much. And that's not even all of it. I decided that my last relationship with Nate went south (besides the prick cheating on me three times) a lot because he was too involved in my mental health. I'm not doing that this time around with Eric. I'm sure he knows I suffer from depression.....but those words have never come out of my mouth. But I'm sure he can pick up on it. I have refrained from ever telling him about my multiple suicide attempts, crazy drug addictions and over doses, my general HATE for life in general and always wishing for lightening to strike me dead in my path. He knows about my DUI's obviously because I am wo a license and in all this court drama and knows I used to be a cutter because my left arm looks a mess and he asked me one day. I simply said "I used to have issues and now I don't anymore." Topic over. HA - "used to."

So anyways yeah basically had a freak out attack over my mom's shit being every where, my bike tires being out of air so I couldn't go tanning and my cucumber in the fridge going bad before I ate it. YEP. That was it. Of course what i told him was a very altered version of why i was upset, and I ended up saying something rude to him via text......but we talked it out and all is fine. I swear - I wish i could just think like a normal person. I can't even imagine what it must be to live a life with positive thoughts, a mind that wasn't racing and always assuming the worst of things and people. It would be like the mental "good life." Ah....maybe I'll know one day.

So I have a doctor appointment on Sept 6. I have a shitty HMO so I have to get a referral from my GP for a psychiatrist. Yep. Finally going back to regular appointments. The reason I am going is because it will look good to the courts if i am having individual counseling for my "drinking" problem. That way if they try and throw me in jail (which they are...yay) my doctor can write a letter to the courts saying its against better treatment and health decisions then to put me in a cage for the next 60 days to a year. We will see. But I am also going to utilize this for my psychotic tendencies also. I'm excited and not. My fear is that they will try and put me on meds again, which I'm sure they will. Do I want them? NO. Yes they make me "happier" I suppose and that I like because I am not so psycho but I loose my sex drive like 100% and usually I become like this numb lifeless person. Numb and lifeless is fine for me but I'm not loosing my boyfriend over this. I feel that if I utilized some tools like counting to ten or running when I'm going to freak out that I can manage my stress and freak outs without damaging my relationship. I just need to keep shit on lock. Not spaz about cucumbers. Not assume my boyfriend is mad and ignoring me when he doesn't answer my calls or texts right away. I need to just remember to TRY AND BE NORMAL. At least on the outside.

So I took a vacation day and am off work tomorrow because me and the love are going up to his friends lake house in Michigan. I wasn't all to thrilled at first cuz I heard like half of the people aren't going (especially my favorite friend or his - Dave - guys is HILARIOUS!) and I have been feeling like shit this week but now that it's Thursday and I'm feeling better I am getting really excited. I'm making two of my favorite salads too: Caprese Salad andTomato and Cucumber Salad. MMMM so good. I told Eric I am on serious health lock down and this weekend is not going to be a "lets eat and drink like shit and gain 7 pounds" kinda trip. Ive got fresh cut up salad and veggies in my fridge and I'm making these salads. I'm going prepared. Even down to the low fat honey pretzel twists as my " bad drunk snack." No veggie burgers, no Doritos, no potato and mac salad. Fuck that. I've even decided to bring two bottles of Jeremiah Weed for my drunk fest. Beer is way to damaging on the body. Hard liquor dehydrates me and makes me feel better weight wise. The shit is amazing. And you mix it with water and ice so no extra cals!! Stuffs AMAZING!!

SOOO......on back on the Bronkaid. I'm telling you this shit is the best.

 I'm happy, alert, focused and have zero appetite. I don't know why I ever stopped taking this shit. I'm guessing because I was over doing it. Yes I like uppers occasionally, blow specifically, but the everyday feeling of being cracked out on pills gets to me. And makes me a crabby bitch. When I was taking them last I was taking 2 to 4 a day. WAY to much. I took one this morning. I can feel the effects but it's not too much. I'm sure over time (I'm hoping) the effects will wear off but I will still have zero appetite. That is ideal. I HAVE to loose ten pounds this month. I have to hit 141 by October 1st. Ideally 140 but due to my recent spill over the 150 mark I'm not making goals unrealistic. Now that I'm thinking about this I'm mad at myself for not going tanning yesterday. SO WHAT your bike was outta air. SO WHAT the humidity was intense. My ass shoulda walked the two miles to the tanning bed. God damn it. I get so lazy when I'm depressed. No more. Its a fucking scorcher outside today. I'm walking to the tanning bed if it kills me. I mean HI - tons of sweat loss equals more weight loss. God I'm an idiot. And conveniently the tanning bed is right next to the grocery store and I need a few ingredients for my recipes. Okay so now I HAVE to go.  Can't not make my delicious healthy snacks. :)

Well I'm off. I have more to say but am being distracted by my phone, lol. OH...and here's a pic of me and my love: So Cute. :)