EGH......let's start with binging shall we.......
Last night was AGAIN and epic failure. Ate like 1300 cals all day. Purged some. Who knows. Woke up this morning feeling fat, looking bloated and of course - Hating Myself. My issue this week is derived from the weed plant. I stupidly bought weed on Monday and have been smoking it every night when i get home from work which just hurls me into the DANGER ZONE. I have no control or strength against weed munchies. I found myself in mid hop/prance/who knows in the middle of the kitchen talking to myself while staring at the fridge. Obviously the fridge one. Even when I'm high and say things like "ok binge on veggies" or "ok, well just cuz your high doesn't mean you get to be a FAT ASS" they just don't seem to work. I'm trying to be amazing at dieting and self control because I'm basically a failure in every other way possible in life so I have to be good at SOMETHING. So frustrating. Luckily my mom and her bf/dude man/whatever will be home tonight packing for their camping trip this weekend so I wont be able to get ripped. I have a full evening of cleaning ahead of me. I'm taking on the laundry and THE ROOM. Oh dear lord if I don't blog by Saturday afternoon send the search party.....I'm dead under a box of cookware (ironically)......lol. Today's intake is 262...output is 12somethingsomething. We all know I'm just going to fail tonight anyways.
The boyfriend......uhhh......I don't know where I'm going with this. I have a tendency of being annoyed with my boyfriends when I'm high so I've been blaming my complete disgust for Eric on that all week but even when I'm not high and he's around I'm just annoyed and totally non affectionate. I mean I'm nice and all....I have to put up a cover.....but inside I'm screaming "JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY." Which is completely rude and wrong of me because Eric is one of the sweetest guys I ever met and does everything for me. I wonder.....is it because he is a NICE guy and not a DICK that makes him a turn off? Am I one of those typical cliche girls who only strives for assholes? Oh dear I think so. Like I don't even want him to touch me. Thinking about kissing him or sleeping with him is sooooo yuck right now. What is wrong with me?? I even talked to my mom about it the other day and apparently she's the same way. After like the first month or two she just gets sick of who she's dating.......it's so fucked up of us. I'm not going to act on anything just yet. I'm hoping its just this weed week and I will be back to normal come Monday. But who knows. This weekend I have the house to myself and that's what I want completely: to be BY MYSELF. Tonight will be easy cuz I already told Eric Friday's are Jamie day cuz I have all my house cleaning and stuff to do. I imagine he will come over Saturday late afternoon and stay till Sunday. EGH. God as I type this I know what I'm saying and how I sound. It's horrible of me. Why do i not like this guy?? Ugh I'm so confused right now.
Work is tres boring.......the beginning of the day went by fast cuz I had work to do but now I'm sitting here. I need to have something to watch on the comp. Netfliz want me to download some update and I don't trust downloading shit on my work computer so I'm stuck here. Boo...and MTV keeps slacking on re posting Teen Mom episodes. Fucking bastards. And I'm anxiously awaiting new books. I guess I'll cruise youtube for some thinspo and what not as usual.
Toodles.
Last night was AGAIN and epic failure. Ate like 1300 cals all day. Purged some. Who knows. Woke up this morning feeling fat, looking bloated and of course - Hating Myself. My issue this week is derived from the weed plant. I stupidly bought weed on Monday and have been smoking it every night when i get home from work which just hurls me into the DANGER ZONE. I have no control or strength against weed munchies. I found myself in mid hop/prance/who knows in the middle of the kitchen talking to myself while staring at the fridge. Obviously the fridge one. Even when I'm high and say things like "ok binge on veggies" or "ok, well just cuz your high doesn't mean you get to be a FAT ASS" they just don't seem to work. I'm trying to be amazing at dieting and self control because I'm basically a failure in every other way possible in life so I have to be good at SOMETHING. So frustrating. Luckily my mom and her bf/dude man/whatever will be home tonight packing for their camping trip this weekend so I wont be able to get ripped. I have a full evening of cleaning ahead of me. I'm taking on the laundry and THE ROOM. Oh dear lord if I don't blog by Saturday afternoon send the search party.....I'm dead under a box of cookware (ironically)......lol. Today's intake is 262...output is 12somethingsomething. We all know I'm just going to fail tonight anyways.
The boyfriend......uhhh......I don't know where I'm going with this. I have a tendency of being annoyed with my boyfriends when I'm high so I've been blaming my complete disgust for Eric on that all week but even when I'm not high and he's around I'm just annoyed and totally non affectionate. I mean I'm nice and all....I have to put up a cover.....but inside I'm screaming "JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY." Which is completely rude and wrong of me because Eric is one of the sweetest guys I ever met and does everything for me. I wonder.....is it because he is a NICE guy and not a DICK that makes him a turn off? Am I one of those typical cliche girls who only strives for assholes? Oh dear I think so. Like I don't even want him to touch me. Thinking about kissing him or sleeping with him is sooooo yuck right now. What is wrong with me?? I even talked to my mom about it the other day and apparently she's the same way. After like the first month or two she just gets sick of who she's dating.......it's so fucked up of us. I'm not going to act on anything just yet. I'm hoping its just this weed week and I will be back to normal come Monday. But who knows. This weekend I have the house to myself and that's what I want completely: to be BY MYSELF. Tonight will be easy cuz I already told Eric Friday's are Jamie day cuz I have all my house cleaning and stuff to do. I imagine he will come over Saturday late afternoon and stay till Sunday. EGH. God as I type this I know what I'm saying and how I sound. It's horrible of me. Why do i not like this guy?? Ugh I'm so confused right now.
Work is tres boring.......the beginning of the day went by fast cuz I had work to do but now I'm sitting here. I need to have something to watch on the comp. Netfliz want me to download some update and I don't trust downloading shit on my work computer so I'm stuck here. Boo...and MTV keeps slacking on re posting Teen Mom episodes. Fucking bastards. And I'm anxiously awaiting new books. I guess I'll cruise youtube for some thinspo and what not as usual.
Toodles.
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