Bluuuuuddyyyy Blah

Hello all or no one.......been awfully quiet lately. I know, I know. I bitch a lot. I fail A LOT. Who would want to read this crap anyways?

Clear Girl, advice...not annoying :) I had a prob with laxatives for a while but don't really use them anymore. Not sure what fueled me to use them this week.....I'm guessing because I am actually fasting and working out and not seeing results. Blah. I will take what you say into consideration.

Yesterday was OK. Ate a cucumber at work, went home and had Eric drop me off at the tanning bed and then leave me there. Walked the three miles home. I did do some running towards the end, but it was somewhat difficult due to the tanning lotion I have. I love strong tingles, so with my skin already red and on fire, running was a bit uncomfortable. I never did the pilates. Face Palm. Shame on my fat ass. SHAME.

Woke up to two tortilla chips on my night stand. *GASP* WTF ARE THOSE DOING THERE???????

Sure enough....had another 'eat in my sleep' episode. I swear the sleeping pills are what do this to me. I ran downstairs to find a half eaten english muff on the counter (no plate of course) and remains of what appeared to be a rice cake. Fuck my fucking life. Have I been doing this all week??? No. I would of noticed. God only knows how many tortilla ships I ate. I swear I wish I had a bathroom in my room and a cool roommate that would lock my inside my bedroom at night. Fucks sake I hope I was not eating chips in bed. Eric was slightly awake so I could not check for crumbs. THIS IS SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING.

I explained my sleep eating problem to Eric a few weeks ago when I had no choice because I did some serious a.m. damage. He ended up cracking jokes at me at Walmart the next day when we passed a food item I had demolished. FUCK YOU.

I wish i could see a therapist about this. But that would lead to me unhatching my whole ED. I thought I was ready a month or so ago. HAH. NO WAY. I don't know who I am without my ED.

Anywhoser.......Sorry Clear Girl, but after last nights mishap I laxied again today. Tomorrow I will quit it. Promise. I know they don't actually make you loose weight. But I really wanted to get all those carbs outta me pronto. Dumb, yes. But if it helps me mentally I suppose it's worth it.

Today's plan: I decided to try something knew to conquer this sleep eating thing. Every night before bed I will eat one can of tuna. Hoping the protein will keep my hunger at bay until morning and I will stop waking up and eating without recollection. I brought a gigantic cucumber to work. It's so large I'm guessing the whole thing is probably 70ish cals. Will I eat the whole thing? Yes. No. I dunno. I don't want to but I didn't want to yesterday and ate a whole one. If I can stick to my coffee (40), cucumber (75?) and the tuna (100), my intake for the day will be around 215.

*****

Realized as I was typing we have a shipping scale here. Weighed cucumber: 21oz = 89 calories. Feck. That's with the peel. WO the peel it is 71. Too bad we don't have a sharp enough knife or peeler at work. Need to bring one in.

Intake: 229

*****

As long as I stay under 500. My friend emailed me a link to this cool website. You enter your weight, height, etc and how many cals you plan to eat and it gives you dates and what your weight will be at. Check it out if you're interested:

http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php

HAHA....losertown. Loved that.

Well I'm off ladies. Wish me good luck for the day and I better weigh in tomorrow. I'll keep you updated.

Choi.

<3

Shitting my way to the 30's.....

yep.....just in case you were curious.


Water, laxative, bronk day...again. Woke up and did an 45 minute workout that consisted of glutes, arms, back and abs. Basically found 5 to 15 min videos of each area on youtube and threw them together. I have like 30 in my que and just pick whatever I want to get done for the day and go from there. After work I plan on tanning (got my new lotion today YAY), doing cardio and hopefully surviving through a 15 minute pilates abs video. Cardio and abs are my biggest goals for now. I am also extremely sick of my flat pancake ass but I am hoping doing glutes once or twice a week is sufficient since I'm running. Okay well it hasn't even been a week until tomorrow, lol, but so far I ran:

Thursday 8/23: 2.0 miles
Saturday 8/25: 3.6 miles
Monday: 8/27: 2.0 miles

Damn......typing it out I'm realizing I have been sucking......need to step it up. Today I will do two miles. It's hard to get in more than that done daily during the week because I don't get home until 7pm and by the time I am done running, doing strength and showering it's like 8:45pm and I still have to get my clothes etc for work ready and let the dog out and do a little clean up, blah blah. I like to be in bed by 10pm now that I'm getting back on a schedule. It is still needing some tweeks but I'm getting there. :) Pretty happy to finally be able to say that.

Today's lunch is a medium sized cucumber....about 50 cals. Dinner.....not too sure yet. Some vegetable if anything. Still very confused why my weight is so high after I haven't been binging and I've been adding in workouts......any ideas ladies? I thought for sure with me not drinking too I'd see major results. Nope. :(

Well I'm off to watch some food/weight/diet/fat/somethingorother show per usual.

Loves <3



PLEASE EXPLAIN

THIS TO ME:

For the past week I have fasted and worked out daily I was extremely proud because I have never been this strict on myself since HS and actually been ABLE to stick with it. Feeling great this morning, I walk into the bathroom and weigh....


WTF I GAINED SIX POUNDS????? And please god don't tell me it's muscle bc there is no way in hell I would have gained 6 pounds of muscle that fast.

Like seriously......I don't look or feel bloated, my jeans have been seeming not so tight as before and I'm starting to see my hip bones again so whyyyyyyyyyyy is the scale reflecting something I would usually see after a huge binge session?

I'm so frustrated and sad and mad I just wanna scream and rip my hair out. Go figure, even when I work hard and stick to my plan I STILL FAIL.

I wish I could just crawl under a rock.

Hope all you ladies are having great success, unlike me.

Loves You

<3

I do not understand......

I have done fantastic this while week fasting. Consuming like 300 cals a day. Last night I went for a 2.5 mile jog and did some sit ups and what not at home. This morning I weighed in 1.2 pounds fatter than yesterday.

WHYYYYYYYYY?????????????

What makes me even more disappointed is I'm doing this with my other Mia friend and shes been eating everyday (she started Atkins again) and not working out and shes lower than me. She even binged this week! Do not get me wrong....I am VERY happy for her success. I love her to death and her success only motivates me more, but I am simply baffled.

I'm guessing it's because she has a high protein diet and I'm not eating much of anything? I know that's what science would say, but I have a hard time accepting it. BLAST........

Last night I did not drink! Day one. Eric and I don't have much for plans this weekend but i am FLAT broke and am going to try my best not to drink this weekend. Maybe a beer or two but not the usual word slurring drunk fest I usually am Friday to Sunday. Wish me luck!

Today's plan is water water water, bronks, laxis and 300 cals between food and beverage. Lunch will be half a cucumber (30 cals) and I'm hoping to skip dinner. Eric and I are going straight to my mom's after I get home to get some of my mail and such and I plan on running when we get back. I have a slew of frozen veg so if need be all nibble on that before bed. Love me some broccoli. Then the ZzzQuil and Unisom cocktail.

Pretty much feel like that girl on the left. Fat. Ugly. Disgusting.

Have a swell day ladies <3

Vomit

Full force into day three of not eating shit. Day three is always the worst.

These bronks are not working. Or bronk I should say. I am afraid to take more than one at a time. Sometimes I feel like going to the er because my heart flutters so much. Bronkaid obviously does not help that.

Last night was fucked up. Again. Was all peppy in my steppy walking into the apartment, excited to try out this hip hop workout that was ACTUALLY cool on youtube. Walked upstairs to put on my workout clothes and wtf do I find? My whole fucking closet collapsed. Disaster. I spent the next hour and a half moving clothes, shoes, purses, and magic fucking beans into piles on the floor that way Eric can get in there and put a new shelf thingie up on Saturday. ON SATURDAY. So I get to live like this for another 3 days. OCD is high and walking upstairs means I have to look at that shit all over the place, not counting the challenge it will be to find stuff to get ready for work. So yeah workout did not happen. Oh and did I mention I happened to down a 1/3 bottle of tequila while I did this? Low and behold another failed night. I probably would have burned just as much calories hauling all that shit around as if I had worked out but yeah.....cals in booze. Fuckin A.

After that was done things get blurry. I got into a huge fight with Eric over the phone while he was at work (ya know, because I'm awesome like that) threw out perfectly good flowers he just bought me and shattered the glass in a picture frame of us with my elbow. Then continued to "dump" him in a text, threaten to steal his dog and pack a bag of clothes for a week. Tried to find a ride to anyplacebuthere and was unsuccessful. I am happy I was. When you love someone you don't just jump ship. You stay and work it out. And OBVIOUSLY this whole fucking thing is my fault. I hate myself. I just kept thinking this morning "if you keep this shit up you will loose him. STOP DRINKING BEFORE ITS TOO LATE." We haven't talked since last night. He sent me texts at 11:30pm asking me to please stay and don't leave him and that he's so in love with me. I'm teary eyed just typing this. He is so fucking good to me and all I do is treat him like shit. I do not deserve him. I am "one of those girls" and I know it. And I hate myself. You would think it would be so easy to just change......I don't know what my problem is. There are too many to sort out.

My night ended with a rice cake. I know this because I found pieces of it between my sheets. Woke up 2.2 pounds lighter. At least something was successful.

I wanna binge.

And starve.

And scream.

And cry.

And just end my life already.

I am so sad and small and dead inside. I am a walking corpse.

HA Shit never changes.....

Well....let's just say, per usual, things did not go well with the mother last night at Walmart. Not because of what I put into my cart, but because who was with me in the store. Long story short - she pissed me off and embarrassed the fuck outta me and I ended up throwing a bottle of 3 dollar wine (yummy..not) into the cart. Went home and drank the whole bottle in about two glasses, danced to some rap music (yeah I dunno with that one), drank 1/4 bottle of zzzquil, ate an English muffin with crab and cheddar and five cookies. Then off to bed. I woke up 2.5 pounds lower than yesterday, but I am still so pissed about the booze. I can get over the muffin...cookies...egh sort of....but wtf with the wine. I seriously have zero coping skills when it comes to dealing with sadness or anger. At the first sign of either of those emotions coming up I immediately wanna reach for the bottle, or 2, or 3. So here I am again today being a failure and "starting over." Why the fuck do I even try? Its so much easier being the complete fuck up and pathetic human being myself and everyone else thinks I am.

I'm really hating my face lately. More than usual. It's a struggle to even leave the house wearing this hideous thing. I'd anything for an eye lift and a nose job. Every picture I take that damn Italian bump just comes flying out at me. I used to love taking pictures. I feel like as I get older the thing just gets bigger. I look at pictures from junior high and high school and you can barely notice it. Now.....omg now its huge. Exhibit A:

Last night, after wine and zzzQuil



Grossness....

Blahhh work sucks, this day is dragging. I finished the first book of the Hunger Games Trilogy this morning and have book two sitting next to me but cannot get motivated to read it. (Which by the way...not the worst thing I ever read but wow, what a disappointment. This book was way too hyped up. Looking forward to the movie.) Reading is like watching TV for me.....makes me wanna eat. And my bronk is wearing off and I want something snacky. Fml. I think I'll hit up some reverse thinspo on youtube. BBC has the best shows for obesity and fat etc etc. I love it. Why can't America have good shows like that?? Boo. Way to suck USA.

Later loves <3

P.S. America, I love you. But some of your traits are less than sub par. However, You're still my #1.

Court has been rescheduled......

unitl Sept 12th. FECK I just want to get this shit over with already.

Today was the first day in a looong time I was able to fast all day. Had a Bronk, coffee, a migraine, a small heart attack and almost went murder suicide at the office but I am home now and feeling much better. And shockingly....am not feeling the urge to eat everything in sight.....dare I even say that I have just cursed myself. Today is also a success for me because I got off the bus and walk straight away from the liquor store. I am trying to quit this ugly binge drinking and eating cycle I have been on since May. I am so fat and disgusting, my hair is nasty, my skin is broken out and I am finally fed the fuck up. I know to many that might not sound like such a big deal, but for an alcoholic, ITS HUGE. So either stfu or thank you.

Currently I am sitting on my couch waiting for my mother to take me to walmart. I know I know, never shop hungry. But I have passed that point for the day (for now) and am feeling almost euphoric for not eating. And bc I am not half in the bag or high as a kite I am feeling confident. I made a list and I'm sticking to it. Plus I'm broke as shit so I don't have much wiggle room for extra crappy food. Unfortunately, I shop for Eric too tonight, which his requests are: chips, pop (regular), cookies and pulled pork. GREEEEEAAAAT. On top of it all, he has lost 20 pounds the last two months because of his work schedule and eats the most fattiest caloric foods ever. I am green with envy.

I started taking the new zzzQuil stuff that NyQuil just came out with. So far results seem ok. Nothing like a good ol' Seroquel but I'll take what I can get. My plan for the week is fast, workout and sleep. Cook and clean as needed. I worry that my insomnia will be more than the zzzQuil can conquer from not drinking alcohol and my plan for fasting will be sabotaged with the usual night time crunchin' and munchin'.......hopefully not.

I really need to kick Mia for good. I got what I thought was a cold but turned out (by my guessing) that I ended up with a horrible glandular infection from BPing. I literally could not swallow Friday until mid afternoon today without wincing to near tears. REALITY CHECK. Your teeth and throat hate you, cut that SHIT OUT FINALLY. So today is day one. I realize if I eat normal I will gain, its part of the process, but if I stay strong with fasting hopefully good results will prevail. Fingers crxxsed.

BLLAAAHHH mom hurry up........half an hour late. This does not work with the schedule I had set up for myself. As soon as I get home I need to shower, blow dry, do my nails and then bed. If I need to eat top kill that voice in my head it will be.........shit I dunno. Something green. Maybe broccoli. Plain. Dash of salt.

Oops she's here. I'll try and write soon.

Josie - I love you will all thats me. Thanks for always being there <3

Isolation

Depression is the best appetite suppressant. It is also the worst.

Weight is up down up down. I fucking hate myself.

Ive cut myself off from every friend I have except three. Coincidental I barely see the two that live in my state and the other is a ED friend I met that lives 2000 miles away? No, probably not.

This week has been a blur of alcohol and tears. Over the past few years my depression has turned into mostly anger with fits of hysterical crying. This weak it has just been that pathetic "lets sit in bed and listen to Lana Del Ray and slowly let tears fall from your eyes" sort of crap. I can't even contain myself for two seconds when Eric calls me from work to say high.

Speaking of: I haven't figured out if i love or hate his over night job schedule. A little of both. But then again I know if he was home i wouldn't be drinking so much and the scale wouldn't keep reflecting it. But I love my alone time....every day. I dunno.

I don't know if I'll blog before then but i get sentenced on August 22nd. If you don't hear back from me for an extended period of time it is because I'm locked up in jail. I'll say a hello when I get out. Anywhere from 30 days to a year.

Realized I cannot get a gun card today because I'm a psychotic drunk.....pssshhh what is with these ridiculous laws......(sarcasm)

<3