Do I even dare......

blog about the same shit again?

yes I suppose I do, just for a minute. I forget what my last post was about, I think about Michigan........eating went fantastic but drinking was EXTREMELY damaging.

I'm in a bad place right now. My teeth have been hurting bad for the past few months so after I got back from Michigan I decided I would honestly try to cut the purging out....or as it goes now, way down. Still happens tho. Basically I upped my restriction and so therefore, need not vomit unless forced into a meal.

Results you ask???

HORRIFYING. For the first time in my life I have zero fucking clue what is going on with my body. I have always been able to loose weight, know exactly what will make me gain, etc etc. If I really tried I could loose ten pounds in a weeks time. NOT ANYMORE. I could understand if I was just eating and not purging. I know your body makes you gain weight like super fast. But I haven't been eating shit and I am getting no where. I'm freaking the fuck out. I have been exercising too. YES, you read that correctly. I HAVE BEEN EXERCISING. Running three, four, five miles at a time and doing strength at home. NO RESULTS. I don't know what to fucking do. I haven't been this fat in such a long time. I want to hang myself from the roof top of my apartment building every time I open my eyes, see food, or go to the bathroom and have to face the scale. Someone suggested maybe this is the turning point in my life where my body switches to "Adult Mode" and its super hard to loose. PLEASE FOR FUCKS SAKE SAY IT ISN'T SO.

I refuse to accept that. This week I have lost 6 pounds. Okay so a little progress, but with as much as I have been trying, like three weeks, it took my two weeks to actually see results.

I'm so fucking miserable.

If I'm not XXX pounds by my birthday.....shit is going down. I have until November 26th, 2012 to become thin. Well, thinner. You can never be too thin.

Someone throw me a fuckin bone.

Love you bitches.

<3

Whelp

Nothing has changed. Still fat. Still pathetic

I seriously want to die. I cannot take being in public and having to go to work or run errands and have people stare at all the fat on my body.

Just wanted to say hi and I'm still here and still reading. Just dont feel worthy enough to talk to any of you.

Loves

<3

I shoulda never gone to Wisconsin

FAILURE. FAILURE. FAILURE. FAILURE.

I cannot believe the damage that was done this past holiday weekend. Like seriously, my weight has never fluctuated so mush in my whole life.

I fucking cannot stand how I feel right now. Like a bloated disgusting fat piece of shit. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without getting teary eyed. My stomach and arms and face looks so huge. I don't even want people to look at me.

My plan for the weekend is sleep and workout. Run to Walmart. Clean and do laundry. No outings. No fun. No socializing. It's a fatty death wish.

I seriously cannot have a life if until I get thin. And it's been pretty easy just being by myself since I cut basically every one from my life. I was so strong last week. I will re-build that strength this weekend. I WILL.

Loves.

<3



Bluuuuuddyyyy Blah

Hello all or no one.......been awfully quiet lately. I know, I know. I bitch a lot. I fail A LOT. Who would want to read this crap anyways?

Clear Girl, advice...not annoying :) I had a prob with laxatives for a while but don't really use them anymore. Not sure what fueled me to use them this week.....I'm guessing because I am actually fasting and working out and not seeing results. Blah. I will take what you say into consideration.

Yesterday was OK. Ate a cucumber at work, went home and had Eric drop me off at the tanning bed and then leave me there. Walked the three miles home. I did do some running towards the end, but it was somewhat difficult due to the tanning lotion I have. I love strong tingles, so with my skin already red and on fire, running was a bit uncomfortable. I never did the pilates. Face Palm. Shame on my fat ass. SHAME.

Woke up to two tortilla chips on my night stand. *GASP* WTF ARE THOSE DOING THERE???????

Sure enough....had another 'eat in my sleep' episode. I swear the sleeping pills are what do this to me. I ran downstairs to find a half eaten english muff on the counter (no plate of course) and remains of what appeared to be a rice cake. Fuck my fucking life. Have I been doing this all week??? No. I would of noticed. God only knows how many tortilla ships I ate. I swear I wish I had a bathroom in my room and a cool roommate that would lock my inside my bedroom at night. Fucks sake I hope I was not eating chips in bed. Eric was slightly awake so I could not check for crumbs. THIS IS SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING.

I explained my sleep eating problem to Eric a few weeks ago when I had no choice because I did some serious a.m. damage. He ended up cracking jokes at me at Walmart the next day when we passed a food item I had demolished. FUCK YOU.

I wish i could see a therapist about this. But that would lead to me unhatching my whole ED. I thought I was ready a month or so ago. HAH. NO WAY. I don't know who I am without my ED.

Anywhoser.......Sorry Clear Girl, but after last nights mishap I laxied again today. Tomorrow I will quit it. Promise. I know they don't actually make you loose weight. But I really wanted to get all those carbs outta me pronto. Dumb, yes. But if it helps me mentally I suppose it's worth it.

Today's plan: I decided to try something knew to conquer this sleep eating thing. Every night before bed I will eat one can of tuna. Hoping the protein will keep my hunger at bay until morning and I will stop waking up and eating without recollection. I brought a gigantic cucumber to work. It's so large I'm guessing the whole thing is probably 70ish cals. Will I eat the whole thing? Yes. No. I dunno. I don't want to but I didn't want to yesterday and ate a whole one. If I can stick to my coffee (40), cucumber (75?) and the tuna (100), my intake for the day will be around 215.

*****

Realized as I was typing we have a shipping scale here. Weighed cucumber: 21oz = 89 calories. Feck. That's with the peel. WO the peel it is 71. Too bad we don't have a sharp enough knife or peeler at work. Need to bring one in.

Intake: 229

*****

As long as I stay under 500. My friend emailed me a link to this cool website. You enter your weight, height, etc and how many cals you plan to eat and it gives you dates and what your weight will be at. Check it out if you're interested:

http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php

HAHA....losertown. Loved that.

Well I'm off ladies. Wish me good luck for the day and I better weigh in tomorrow. I'll keep you updated.

Choi.

<3

Shitting my way to the 30's.....

yep.....just in case you were curious.


Water, laxative, bronk day...again. Woke up and did an 45 minute workout that consisted of glutes, arms, back and abs. Basically found 5 to 15 min videos of each area on youtube and threw them together. I have like 30 in my que and just pick whatever I want to get done for the day and go from there. After work I plan on tanning (got my new lotion today YAY), doing cardio and hopefully surviving through a 15 minute pilates abs video. Cardio and abs are my biggest goals for now. I am also extremely sick of my flat pancake ass but I am hoping doing glutes once or twice a week is sufficient since I'm running. Okay well it hasn't even been a week until tomorrow, lol, but so far I ran:

Thursday 8/23: 2.0 miles
Saturday 8/25: 3.6 miles
Monday: 8/27: 2.0 miles

Damn......typing it out I'm realizing I have been sucking......need to step it up. Today I will do two miles. It's hard to get in more than that done daily during the week because I don't get home until 7pm and by the time I am done running, doing strength and showering it's like 8:45pm and I still have to get my clothes etc for work ready and let the dog out and do a little clean up, blah blah. I like to be in bed by 10pm now that I'm getting back on a schedule. It is still needing some tweeks but I'm getting there. :) Pretty happy to finally be able to say that.

Today's lunch is a medium sized cucumber....about 50 cals. Dinner.....not too sure yet. Some vegetable if anything. Still very confused why my weight is so high after I haven't been binging and I've been adding in workouts......any ideas ladies? I thought for sure with me not drinking too I'd see major results. Nope. :(

Well I'm off to watch some food/weight/diet/fat/somethingorother show per usual.

Loves <3



PLEASE EXPLAIN

THIS TO ME:

For the past week I have fasted and worked out daily I was extremely proud because I have never been this strict on myself since HS and actually been ABLE to stick with it. Feeling great this morning, I walk into the bathroom and weigh....


WTF I GAINED SIX POUNDS????? And please god don't tell me it's muscle bc there is no way in hell I would have gained 6 pounds of muscle that fast.

Like seriously......I don't look or feel bloated, my jeans have been seeming not so tight as before and I'm starting to see my hip bones again so whyyyyyyyyyyy is the scale reflecting something I would usually see after a huge binge session?

I'm so frustrated and sad and mad I just wanna scream and rip my hair out. Go figure, even when I work hard and stick to my plan I STILL FAIL.

I wish I could just crawl under a rock.

Hope all you ladies are having great success, unlike me.

Loves You

<3

I do not understand......

I have done fantastic this while week fasting. Consuming like 300 cals a day. Last night I went for a 2.5 mile jog and did some sit ups and what not at home. This morning I weighed in 1.2 pounds fatter than yesterday.

WHYYYYYYYYY?????????????

What makes me even more disappointed is I'm doing this with my other Mia friend and shes been eating everyday (she started Atkins again) and not working out and shes lower than me. She even binged this week! Do not get me wrong....I am VERY happy for her success. I love her to death and her success only motivates me more, but I am simply baffled.

I'm guessing it's because she has a high protein diet and I'm not eating much of anything? I know that's what science would say, but I have a hard time accepting it. BLAST........

Last night I did not drink! Day one. Eric and I don't have much for plans this weekend but i am FLAT broke and am going to try my best not to drink this weekend. Maybe a beer or two but not the usual word slurring drunk fest I usually am Friday to Sunday. Wish me luck!

Today's plan is water water water, bronks, laxis and 300 cals between food and beverage. Lunch will be half a cucumber (30 cals) and I'm hoping to skip dinner. Eric and I are going straight to my mom's after I get home to get some of my mail and such and I plan on running when we get back. I have a slew of frozen veg so if need be all nibble on that before bed. Love me some broccoli. Then the ZzzQuil and Unisom cocktail.

Pretty much feel like that girl on the left. Fat. Ugly. Disgusting.

Have a swell day ladies <3

Vomit

Full force into day three of not eating shit. Day three is always the worst.

These bronks are not working. Or bronk I should say. I am afraid to take more than one at a time. Sometimes I feel like going to the er because my heart flutters so much. Bronkaid obviously does not help that.

Last night was fucked up. Again. Was all peppy in my steppy walking into the apartment, excited to try out this hip hop workout that was ACTUALLY cool on youtube. Walked upstairs to put on my workout clothes and wtf do I find? My whole fucking closet collapsed. Disaster. I spent the next hour and a half moving clothes, shoes, purses, and magic fucking beans into piles on the floor that way Eric can get in there and put a new shelf thingie up on Saturday. ON SATURDAY. So I get to live like this for another 3 days. OCD is high and walking upstairs means I have to look at that shit all over the place, not counting the challenge it will be to find stuff to get ready for work. So yeah workout did not happen. Oh and did I mention I happened to down a 1/3 bottle of tequila while I did this? Low and behold another failed night. I probably would have burned just as much calories hauling all that shit around as if I had worked out but yeah.....cals in booze. Fuckin A.

After that was done things get blurry. I got into a huge fight with Eric over the phone while he was at work (ya know, because I'm awesome like that) threw out perfectly good flowers he just bought me and shattered the glass in a picture frame of us with my elbow. Then continued to "dump" him in a text, threaten to steal his dog and pack a bag of clothes for a week. Tried to find a ride to anyplacebuthere and was unsuccessful. I am happy I was. When you love someone you don't just jump ship. You stay and work it out. And OBVIOUSLY this whole fucking thing is my fault. I hate myself. I just kept thinking this morning "if you keep this shit up you will loose him. STOP DRINKING BEFORE ITS TOO LATE." We haven't talked since last night. He sent me texts at 11:30pm asking me to please stay and don't leave him and that he's so in love with me. I'm teary eyed just typing this. He is so fucking good to me and all I do is treat him like shit. I do not deserve him. I am "one of those girls" and I know it. And I hate myself. You would think it would be so easy to just change......I don't know what my problem is. There are too many to sort out.

My night ended with a rice cake. I know this because I found pieces of it between my sheets. Woke up 2.2 pounds lighter. At least something was successful.

I wanna binge.

And starve.

And scream.

And cry.

And just end my life already.

I am so sad and small and dead inside. I am a walking corpse.

HA Shit never changes.....

Well....let's just say, per usual, things did not go well with the mother last night at Walmart. Not because of what I put into my cart, but because who was with me in the store. Long story short - she pissed me off and embarrassed the fuck outta me and I ended up throwing a bottle of 3 dollar wine (yummy..not) into the cart. Went home and drank the whole bottle in about two glasses, danced to some rap music (yeah I dunno with that one), drank 1/4 bottle of zzzquil, ate an English muffin with crab and cheddar and five cookies. Then off to bed. I woke up 2.5 pounds lower than yesterday, but I am still so pissed about the booze. I can get over the muffin...cookies...egh sort of....but wtf with the wine. I seriously have zero coping skills when it comes to dealing with sadness or anger. At the first sign of either of those emotions coming up I immediately wanna reach for the bottle, or 2, or 3. So here I am again today being a failure and "starting over." Why the fuck do I even try? Its so much easier being the complete fuck up and pathetic human being myself and everyone else thinks I am.

I'm really hating my face lately. More than usual. It's a struggle to even leave the house wearing this hideous thing. I'd anything for an eye lift and a nose job. Every picture I take that damn Italian bump just comes flying out at me. I used to love taking pictures. I feel like as I get older the thing just gets bigger. I look at pictures from junior high and high school and you can barely notice it. Now.....omg now its huge. Exhibit A:

Last night, after wine and zzzQuil



Grossness....

Blahhh work sucks, this day is dragging. I finished the first book of the Hunger Games Trilogy this morning and have book two sitting next to me but cannot get motivated to read it. (Which by the way...not the worst thing I ever read but wow, what a disappointment. This book was way too hyped up. Looking forward to the movie.) Reading is like watching TV for me.....makes me wanna eat. And my bronk is wearing off and I want something snacky. Fml. I think I'll hit up some reverse thinspo on youtube. BBC has the best shows for obesity and fat etc etc. I love it. Why can't America have good shows like that?? Boo. Way to suck USA.

Later loves <3

P.S. America, I love you. But some of your traits are less than sub par. However, You're still my #1.

Court has been rescheduled......

unitl Sept 12th. FECK I just want to get this shit over with already.

Today was the first day in a looong time I was able to fast all day. Had a Bronk, coffee, a migraine, a small heart attack and almost went murder suicide at the office but I am home now and feeling much better. And shockingly....am not feeling the urge to eat everything in sight.....dare I even say that I have just cursed myself. Today is also a success for me because I got off the bus and walk straight away from the liquor store. I am trying to quit this ugly binge drinking and eating cycle I have been on since May. I am so fat and disgusting, my hair is nasty, my skin is broken out and I am finally fed the fuck up. I know to many that might not sound like such a big deal, but for an alcoholic, ITS HUGE. So either stfu or thank you.

Currently I am sitting on my couch waiting for my mother to take me to walmart. I know I know, never shop hungry. But I have passed that point for the day (for now) and am feeling almost euphoric for not eating. And bc I am not half in the bag or high as a kite I am feeling confident. I made a list and I'm sticking to it. Plus I'm broke as shit so I don't have much wiggle room for extra crappy food. Unfortunately, I shop for Eric too tonight, which his requests are: chips, pop (regular), cookies and pulled pork. GREEEEEAAAAT. On top of it all, he has lost 20 pounds the last two months because of his work schedule and eats the most fattiest caloric foods ever. I am green with envy.

I started taking the new zzzQuil stuff that NyQuil just came out with. So far results seem ok. Nothing like a good ol' Seroquel but I'll take what I can get. My plan for the week is fast, workout and sleep. Cook and clean as needed. I worry that my insomnia will be more than the zzzQuil can conquer from not drinking alcohol and my plan for fasting will be sabotaged with the usual night time crunchin' and munchin'.......hopefully not.

I really need to kick Mia for good. I got what I thought was a cold but turned out (by my guessing) that I ended up with a horrible glandular infection from BPing. I literally could not swallow Friday until mid afternoon today without wincing to near tears. REALITY CHECK. Your teeth and throat hate you, cut that SHIT OUT FINALLY. So today is day one. I realize if I eat normal I will gain, its part of the process, but if I stay strong with fasting hopefully good results will prevail. Fingers crxxsed.

BLLAAAHHH mom hurry up........half an hour late. This does not work with the schedule I had set up for myself. As soon as I get home I need to shower, blow dry, do my nails and then bed. If I need to eat top kill that voice in my head it will be.........shit I dunno. Something green. Maybe broccoli. Plain. Dash of salt.

Oops she's here. I'll try and write soon.

Josie - I love you will all thats me. Thanks for always being there <3

Isolation

Depression is the best appetite suppressant. It is also the worst.

Weight is up down up down. I fucking hate myself.

Ive cut myself off from every friend I have except three. Coincidental I barely see the two that live in my state and the other is a ED friend I met that lives 2000 miles away? No, probably not.

This week has been a blur of alcohol and tears. Over the past few years my depression has turned into mostly anger with fits of hysterical crying. This weak it has just been that pathetic "lets sit in bed and listen to Lana Del Ray and slowly let tears fall from your eyes" sort of crap. I can't even contain myself for two seconds when Eric calls me from work to say high.

Speaking of: I haven't figured out if i love or hate his over night job schedule. A little of both. But then again I know if he was home i wouldn't be drinking so much and the scale wouldn't keep reflecting it. But I love my alone time....every day. I dunno.

I don't know if I'll blog before then but i get sentenced on August 22nd. If you don't hear back from me for an extended period of time it is because I'm locked up in jail. I'll say a hello when I get out. Anywhere from 30 days to a year.

Realized I cannot get a gun card today because I'm a psychotic drunk.....pssshhh what is with these ridiculous laws......(sarcasm)

<3

Hey Guys

Been living in my own personal hell. Weight got so out of control and I'm trying to get it back down. I don't deserve to blog or talk to anyone until my fat ass gets back to 140. I hope everyone is doing well.

<3

I'm still breathing

Unfortunately.

<3

I Need Help...

and I don't know how to ask for it.  I mean I do but.....I can't, I just can't.

Every morning when I open my eyes and realize I'm still alive a part of me dies.

I hate that I don't have one person in my life I can talk to. Someone that understands how I feel and isn't going to run off and call 911 or spill the beans to another person. You girls are great but nothing beats having that person you can call whenever, have them sit on your couch with you while you cry, and get you out of your house when you are ready to pull the trigger.

My drinking is out of control. My weight is out of control.

I can't breathe like this.

IM OUT OF CONTROL

but then again when have I ever been in control.....?

Super depressed and fat. Per usual. I wish I could just go back to high school when I was so driven to be thin and stuck to all my rules. I think being around skinny girls for 8 hours a day was really a motivator too. Now, I still have very thin friends and I keep them in mind but they're not in my line of sight everyday all day. Now I have a dog and a man who could care less about looking good. :( Either way, it't still my fault for being a lazy fat loser.

Cristy and I aren't working out together anymore. She got a job promotion and moved to a different bank branch. Great. My one day a weak motivation is gone.

I really need to get on myself. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to just stop making up excuses and go workout everyday. Christ even if it's thirty minutes! It's not like I have to be in the gym for 2 hours everyday. Why am I SO FUCKING LAZY???? I miss my ED buddy. Ever since she joined the army I have no one to yell at me and call me fat to keep my mouth closed and my body moving. I feel like she doesn't wanna talk to me at times. She rarely answers my texts but when she needs me I'm always there for her. Ugh its so frustrating. She posts constantly mobily on FB but then I don't get a response from her for like two or three days via text. DUH....let's be honest here, I know what's going on. :(

Here's some recent fat pictures of myself......enjoy and vomit.

Gotta love a fat giggly stomach and thighs!!!!!

Well enough bitching for today.....love you girls hope all is well.

It's 9:12 am and I'm drunk at the office.....

Yep.......

FAT

WORTHLESS

IMPOSSIBLE

DISAPPOINTMENT

UNEDUCATED

PATHETIC

LOSER

HYPOCRITE

LIAR

THIEF

PITIFUL

UGLY

UNFAITHFUL

MEAN

CRIMINAL

DRUNK

LAZY

WEAK

SHAMEFUL

Yeah well I expected that........

The weekend was really fun. I actually stayed pretty close to my eating plan besides a few late night chips here or there but nothing of binge status. Maybe a few chips each night when someone else would whip the bag out but I remained in control. I did however drink like a fish and came back to find out I had gained 6 pounds. Fuck. My goal for this week is 7 pounds. I'm reeeaaalllly hoping that 6 is all water/bloat and I can shake it out in about 2 days. Fingers crxxsed.

I forgot my camera at home so I will upload the few pictures I took this weekend hopefully in the next post.

I'm really depressed today. I'm sad I gained so much. I'm pissed that I put 80 on my credit cared this weekend for camping food/drinks. I spent another like 70 in cash. I'm never gunna get ahead if I keep spending money like this. God I hate myself so much. Shit never changes, I never change. And then I throw these pity parties for myself. What a loser.......

I'm tired of bitching. Hope everyone had a good holiday.

<3

Memorial Day Weekend: Kick off to Bikini Season FML and Pictures Pictures Pictures

Gianna - I love ya girl. Sorry I haven't been around, just really depressed.

5k went OK. It was 80 degrees and the whole track was reversed so we ran uphill the whole time. I finished at 35:?? minutes. Shitty. Oh well. Stats were 13 out of 30 for my age group (20-29) and overall I finished 54 out of 124. Here are pics:

Shirt I Made

Course

Pavilion and Peeps



Cristy and I aka FATASS



Strike a Pose Fatty

Walking to the Start Line, Cristy and I are in there to the left.

My Finish Shot



Hot and Aggravated After




There you have it. I go away this weekend with Eric, Cristy and her boyfriend to their camp ground. Camping, bonfires, bags, fishing, boating, drinking etc etc. I know I will have a great time but I am just super depressed about being so fat. Second year in a row I said I would wear that bikini I bought. Nope. Cristy is so beautiful and skinny too. She sent me this picture yesterday......

Flat stomach and boobs.....

Rolls galore and zero tits, huge thighs. FUCKING EWWW, Nuff Said. Excuse my arm pit



Yeah Fuck ME.

I have been fasting for the past two days and am on Bronks. 6.8 pounds lost so far. Still not good enough for a bathing suit. Good thing I bought tank tops and board shorts to go over my suit. Whomever invented board shorts deserves a fuckin Gold Medal. Winning.

I've got my meals all planned out too. I'm drinking MGD 64 and limiting myself to one 24 pack for the whole three days, which is jack shit to what I usually drink. No hard liquor. I have two veggie dogs, baby carrots, peppers and onions for grilling and apples for breakfast. No McDonalds for me (except coffee), which is usually the breakfast tradition because that's the only thing in town. I know I'll get the munchies so I'm still debating on buying the Low Fat Honey Twist Pretzels for a snack. I know Eric will be bringing chips and fat filled sides like Macaroni and Potato Salad. Ugh it's fucking impossible with him around. Last night I went to got tanning and afterwards he asked if I just wanted to pick up dinner instead of cooking. I had to tell him no like four fucking times. Just because you wanna be fat doesn't mean I have to indulge with you. Yes, I'm still fat too but shit if I'm having a good day and trying my best then leave me the fuck alone. We ended up grilling veggies and he made himself a Italian sausage.

Mine were drizzled with Fat Free Italian dressing, garlic powder, Low Sodium Salt and Blak Pepper



Then he continued to eat a Klondike bar AND a Snickers ice cream cone. After the Klondike he goes "I want more ice cream." I said "So eat it." He lifts his shirt up to expose his insanely huge stomach and says "but I'm fat." I reply "Well I still love you either way so eat the ice cream if you want it." And he ate it. I think it's funny/sad how I don't deny it to him, I just say that its OK and I still love him anyway. Maybe one day he will get the picture.

I have got the binging out and my control back the past week or so. I've taken the Bronks the past two days and its helping immensely. I just ordered 120 more and I have 120 right now. I decided I will just be on them all summer and maybe by August I'll be bikini ready....just in time for it to get cold out. Yay.

I don't think I ever posted these before. Here are some before and after pics from when I was Sumo. They are pictures of pictures so excuse the quality:

7th Grade, 215lbs. Sorry it's rotated, it was normal on my computer but uploaded like this.



Going into Freshman Year, about 200lbs



Sophomore Homecoming, 135. I need to be back there, minus 15lbs. Cocaine, Adderall and Bulimia do wonders.

It's weird....I look at that picture and I'm only 10 pounds heavier now. Looking at myself in the mirror, I can't imagine I would look so drastically different from loosing ten pounds. I guess we will find out when and if it happens.

Well I'm gunna go catch up on your blogs. I'll post pics and updates of how the weekend went next week. Please everyone say a little prayer for my weak pathetic ass.

<3



For Gianna

I'm only posting for you.......

I hate everything. I'm fat and binging constantly. I have nothing good to report except my 5k is tomorrow and i have mastered the track. I can run a whole 3.1 without stopping.

We made tie dyed shirts. They came out nice for a first time try.

I'll post pics of me and my gf at the race.

Someone send someone to my apartment and rip the tequila and mac n cheese from my fat fists please.

Eric being on over nights is killing my waist line. I haven't binged like this since I lived alone at 18.

FUCK

<3

..........

Just letting you know I'm alive.

Things are ok.

Things are really horrible.

Ran a straight 3 miles on the 5k track last week. Proud

Binged last 48 hours. Shamed

I have 17 days to loose 15 pounds.

I fucking hate myself.

I'll be back when I'm worthy of all of you.

Loves <3

Dear God.....

I only have a few minutes before work is out so I cannot post as much as I wanted. Short version:

Last night Eric and I had a MAJOR fight. Drunk major fight. Things were thrown. Names were called. It was bad. I know we will get over it but I'm really hurt and confused and am maybe thinking about moving out. 27 days after I moved in. I know I most likely won't, partially because I am too damn lazy to move all my shit again but the thought is still crossing my mind. I know we will get through this. We dont fight often, just seems like a major blow out every few months. This is our 4 fight in the nine months we have been dating. Not too bad, right?? FECK. On a good note:

142.4!!

I guess drinking half a bottle of wine and not eating dinner payed off. I have that damn wedding tomorrow so I am kinda freaking out. I hope I can make it through the meal and not drink to much booze. I really wanna see 139 Monday but I will be satisfied with 140. Well "satisfied" lol.

Sunday I have to get ready to go visit my grandma for her birthday as soon as I get back from Indiana from the wedding so that wont leave much time for eating...maybe. My mother and I are arriving at 4 and I am not sure if we are doing dinner or not. Fingers crossed we don't!!

Well okay sorry for the short post! Wish me stellar luck for the weekend!!! Loves!

<3

Feelin' like a DAMN CHAMPION!

AH, GOOD NEWS!

Met up with my gf yesterday for our run......went a whole 2 miles running without stopping which is HUGE for us. Then walked two miles. We did stop at the bar for an hour and had a few Corona Lights....and a few shots of tequila....oops.....I know I originally wasn't happy about it but I was so pumped and proud of us by the time we got there I thought "eh fuck it." Ended up being a great night n saw a group of great friends. I did have a mini binge when I got back to my mom's house of a sandwich and some chippies. Damn those sammies and chippies, I'm such an addict. I went to bed feeling extremely guilty but I woke up and weighed to see:

144.3!!!

YAY! Down 3.8 pounds. Needless to say I gave two fucks about that sandwich anymore, LOL.

Today my cals are a little high. I stupidly splurged on grits for breakfast, which I tried purging but didn't have much success (200) w 2 cups coffee (40) and right now I'm eating a veggie unwhich from Jimmy Johns, no mayo (139) with a tbsp of Light Caesar dressing to dip (45). Total 425.

Ugh drank too much diet coke with my unwich and now I wanna hurl....I hate the sensation of "full." I had no intention of purging my lunch. I'm trying to control my eating and give up mia. I had a HORRIBLE dream last night that I was smiling, looking into a mirror and then at rapid speed all my teeth started decaying and falling out before my eyes, then pieces of jaw. I sat up like a lightening bolt in my bed at 3 am and started grabbing all my teeth. I couldn't relax until I double checked in the mirror. Dream felt SO real. Scared the shit outta me. I am gunna hold strong. No more diet soda right now and let my stomach digest a bit. So hard breaking a 15 year habit. Ugh. Plus if I purge I'll be starving later and pig out. FUCK THAT.

Damn, I wanna look like that when I run......

Tonight's plan is to walk home from the bus (.8 mile), change and then run to the tanning bed (2 miles). Eric will pick me up from tanning and then we have to go next store to Walmart to pick up some things. I told him to not let me cave either......it benefits me for the 5k but also to KICK HIS ASS in the competition. I'm loving this. :) I do really need to step it up on my ab work though. I was doing really good for a while but fell off. I got to work today and did 150 ab exercises in the back office. I need to do 150 more after my run tonight.

Oh and thanks Josie and Kitty for the words of encouragement! I will def try my best to win this for all the women out there!!

Well I can't think of much more to say......shocking....

Love you Ladies. <3

OK, the REAL Day One

So Eric and I decided to REALLY start the competition today. Had our last meal last night of deep dish pizza and margaritas. So delicious.

Since we started the competition I have decided to start posting my weight again. Hopefully blogging will help keep me in check too. I also thrive on rude "fat comments" so if you ladies see my posting about failing just tear into me. I'm serious. It really helps. So my start weight......ugh god......a fat

148.1

My goal is at least 135, UGW is 130. I have one month to loose 15 to 20 pounds. I already feel like a complete failure. I know I can't do this. I have to eat, sleep and breathe working out. Wuuuaahhhhhh I hate working out. Hence why I am STILL SO FUCKING FAT.

Tonight is my weekly workout with my gf and we are getting together tomorrow to. We are jogging four miles today and at least three tomorrow. My goal is to be 142 by Monday. This should be extremely difficult and challenging because I have a wedding Saturday. The only nice thing about it is that Eric is standing up so he will be sitting at the wedding party table and I will be by myself with strangers at a regular table so I can pick and not eat whatever food they bring me.....which I hear is vegetarian lasagna. I fucking love lasagna. I hope the table is far enough away so Eric can't stare me down the whole time. I also hope the main course is cleared away before the bride and groom make rounds greeting tables. I got shit from the groom at the wedding rehearsal for not trying the grease filled portabello mushroom sandwiches. I'll eat this dry salad, thanks.

So far today I'm at 182 cals with breakfast and lunch. I had a medium coffee with cream from DD for breakfast (75) and then for lunch had another coffee with almond milk (20), 4 oz low fat cottage cheese (80) and half a green pepper (12). I'm kinda scared for dinner because I will be staying at my mom's tonight and she always makes me some sort of god damn food no matter how many times I tell her to stop. And I wiped out her fridge n freezer last Sunday when I was cleaning so I know she has zero frozen veggies I can microwave. I do have some 100 cal soups there...I think....hopefully.....I'll eat one of those.

So, what is now going to suck about my Wednesday workouts?? There is a local bar in my town that has bags tournaments. The teams play on Wednesdays (today). My gf that I work out with has her bf on one of the teams so she wants us to start jogging to the bar to visit him, have a beer, and then jog back. I am not happy about this but didn't say anything. There is no such thing as ONE beer, and frankly Wednesday is the healthiest day of the week for me usually specifically BECAUSE of these workouts. I am not tempted to drink and eat like other days because I am in "healthy" mode from getting exercise. She already texted me this morning saying she wants to do shots and stuff. WTF. I responded "You can, I'm taking the competition seriously. One MGD 64 for me and I'm leaving." Plus, it's a week night and I get up at 5 am everyday I don't feel like busting ass to the bar and then sitting there for two hours drinking because then HOW THE HELL am I going to manage the two mile jog/walk back if I'm half in the bag? Duh. Let's pray all goes well and we are there for like 30 mins. If she isn't ready to leave I'll just walk home alone, no problemo.

Well I'm done bitching for now. Love all of you. Toodles.

<3

Psshhhh

That's how I feel. Pssshhh.

Today is the start of the weight loss competition. Not the best day to start. Hungover as shit. And Eric is having some medical problems. We are both Emo eaters. I meant to have a fabulous "last meal" when I got home from work. Instead I came home to Eric and his two friends drunk and the apt trashed. My OCD went into hyper drive so I ended up downing like five shots of tequila back to back to keep from screaming and began cleaning up. I never even ate. Damn. Oh well I don't need the cals anyhow.

So far today I am at like 100 calories. I am going to try and stay under 750 everyday. I know the number is high but I know I could never stay under 300 like I want so I am doing something more reasonable. I've had coffee and I'm STARVING. I wanna eat like a cow when I am hungover but have remained in control. I have some low fat cottage cheese and a green pepper here at work so I plan on munching on that. Like 130ish cals. All I wanna do is dive head first into a deep dish pizza.

I have no clue what my weight is. I woke up at 5:53am this morning and I have to leave for work no later than 6:05am. I didn't shower before I went to bed and I look absolutely horrific today. Plus I could smell the tequila leaking outta my pours the whole way to work. I get tot the office and get into a fight with Eric on the phone and start to cry. On all the days when my boss has to come to the office early (he NEVER does) he does today. So he walk in and I'm on the phone all red faced and just wave at him. OMG so embarrassing and extremely unprofessional. I later lied to him and told him i was talking to my lawyer hence the upset mess. Way to make it even more professional right? Throw my legal problems into it. Oh brother.

Bottom line: I feel like I weigh 700 pounds today even though I didn't eat dinner.

I feel like complete hell right now. It's only 11:57am. Of course this day has to drag on forever. And after work I am supposed to meet up with a friend to hangout n go shopping n have drinks. Fuck I am so tired. I just wanna sit in the bath tub and die. I wish I had one of those hug whirl pool tubs. I love baths but they have not been as fun since I was little and could actually fit my whole body under all the water. I know you guys feel my pain. All adults do. LOL. Well, all adults with normal lame bath tubs.

Woah.....totally zoned out....its 12:26pm.....lol. Snack Time.

Does anyone like Lana Del Ray? Currently obsessed.

I found some funny comics online so I'll leave you ladies with these.

Loves

<3

"I hate her"

Weekend & Weight Loss Competition

Hey ladies.

So the weekend was ok. Had the rehearsal dinner Friday and did SPLENDID at the dinner. Had a salad with no dressing. Eric was staring at me the whole time but I ignored him and he never made any comments so that was good. I did, of course, have a few too many beers and went home and made a grilled cheese: 340 cals. Fuck. I did have a hour drunk dance party and excess fruit ninja on the Kinetc before the grilled cheese happened so I guess that's kinda good. If someone woulda been video taping Eric and I dancing around the living room to Kesha and Brittany Spears I so woulda posted it for you. hahaha

I woke up hungover on Saturday at 6:30am but forced myself to get dressed and go running. Running with a hang over is not fun. The blood pumping through my system really added to the migraine I already had and I thought I might puke/pass out/have my head explode by the time I returned. Either way, still glad I got my ass out of the streets for a 30 minute jog. From there I moved my remaining belongings from my moms to the apt and unpacked all day so I was pretty distracted and burning a tad of cals. Ended up eating some pasta with brussel sprouts for dinner. I was so exhausted but then at the last minute decided to go the bar with my gf, her sis and her dad at like 11 at night......and I feel asleep on the bar. SHIT. What a lame ass. They ended up having to leave because of me. How embarrassing......and on top of it my gf was all worried I was on drugs or something and asked me about it today. I can't blame her. She was with me through my heroin addiction and although she doesn't suspect me or ever throw it in my face, I understand why she would be concerned if one minute I'm laughing drinking a beer and the next I'm Ni Nights on a coaster. I apologized big time to her today. Luckily she is an awesome friend so all is good.

Sunday. Let's call that Dooms Day. Woke up at my gf's house hungover as shit and starving. I toasted a bagel and put regular butter on it. Sat and ate it while reading the paper until Eric picked me up. We then went to Walmart where I noticed a new flavor of Doritos and a delicious container of macaroni salad bought them both. I'm so addicted to Doritos it is bad. I cannot shop when I am hungry, hungover or high; it is bad news. I got home and continued to make bad choices. My lunch consisted of a veggie burger with pepper jack cheese, Doritos and BBQ chips, a hard boiled egg and a generous helping of mac salad. I purged the meal but still. Fat ass choices leads to a FAT ASS. Duh. Eric and I then played some more Kinetc and watched the movie 300. He had to go work for a few hours so he dropped me off at my moms so I could hang with my dog. QUE BINGE. God damn it. I cleaned her whole house for her top to bottom while she was at work but I was binging the whole time on mashed potatoes, mac n cheese and Reese's cereal. Later when I came back home to the apt I made myself a quesadilla. End result:

I woke up five pounds heavier this morning. Please shoot me. :'(

On a positive note, I asked Eric if he would start a weight loss competition with me. Just him and myself. We go until June 1st. Whomever looses the most gets a prize (still to be determined). I was thinking 30 dollars towards a new pair of pants lol. If anyone has any ideas feel free to suggest! I can honestly say I am not sure who is going to win. Eric's job is very physical but he eats fast food and shit constantly and barely takes care of himself in that sense. I have a very sedentary job but I watch what I eat most days (minus the binges) and do alot of walking and the occasional workout. I'm really gunna have to work hard. There is no way in hell I will let him win this. Wish me luck ladies!

Alright, I'm off. Hope everyone is doing great.

<3

I hate the circus

What an unpleasant surprise to log into blogger and find that the website took it upon itself to change my format to the new version after I had been ignoring the disclaimer for weeks. You fucking asshole Blogger. Watch, later I'll log into Fcebook and I'll have fucking Timeline. GO FUCK YOURSELVES WEBSITES

OK, obviously I am not doing okay today.

Up and down and up she goes, will she scream nobody knows......

I am going from rage to crying to crying rage to crying to rage rage rage. And I have a fucking wedding rehearsal tonight for Eric's friends. PLEASE SHOOT ME. I am so tired of faking the smiles.

I am crazy. We all know this. I can't take this. I feel like I am going to explode. Today, soon, in a week? I don't know but I don't wanna be there for it. Eric is REALLY getting on my nerves and I know I shouldn't feel this way. He has been off work all week and he has accomplished practically nothing at the apartment. I WANNA FUCKING STAB HIM.

Now, let me explain some more. Eric is a clean person. He washes dishes, does laundry, vacuums, dusts etc. However, I am EXTREMELY ocd when it comes to cleaning and "everything having it's place." He knows this. He saw how I continually bitched about my mothers style of "cleanliness" before I moved out and I warned him several times, even asking him "Are you sure you are ready to live with CRAZY??" His response:

"You're not crazy, it's just your mom making you mad."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Omg you are so fucking blind boy. And what's even better is that he internalizes pretty much everything he thinks and feels about life in general. He never stand up for himself. So when I am going bonkers he just stares at me or apologizes when really in reality I just need to chill out and shut the fuck up. Omg I'm so frustrated. It's like I need him to yell at me just fucking once. Please prove to me that you are an actual man and not a god damn push over and people pleaser!

Now, take what I just said above and  realize that Eric is probably not like this at all but that's how I see it because I'm fucking psycho. Am I going back and forth? YES. Am I manic? YES. Que the fucking circus music.

I should probably stop drinking coffee when I am like this.........

My mind is blank. I have come down.......

I might be back later.

<3

A little Success? No way......

Yesterday ended pretty well. I did ok on cals at work and met up with my my gf who I am doing the 5k with. We did a 5k run, a 15 minutes ab video and a 15 minute butt n thighs video. I did have a mini binge after she left: 5 pierogies and a sandwich with cheese and fat free Miracle Whip. I purged some of it up but not all of it per usual. My mom cooked the pierogies so I am not sure as to what she cooked them in. Hopefully the fat free butter in the fridge, not oil. I'm not sure. So I can't report my exact cals with the purge and all. I went to bed feeling like a semi failure. : / All in all though I am extremely proud of myself for the workout, just not the binge. I woke up and weighed......I haven't been able to compare my new scale with my old scale at my mom's. I don't know which one to trust. I don't trust hardwood floors either. It sucks that even 1 or 2 ounces makes me so damn mad. Whatever. (Not really whatever)

Today was meh.....I'm at about 700 cals. Still fighting the Peanut Butter urges in my head, WHY CAN'T I JUST THROW IT OUT DAMN IT. Ugh.

Tonight plan is:

Tan
Get some belonging from my mothers
Run
Shower
Put clothes away that are strewn across my floor

I told Eric if I even try to bail on running to burn all my shoes and lock me outside. LOL. Obviously he won't do that but ya know......I need to him not just say "OK" when I tell him I'm not running. He needs to push me since I obviously cannot push myself. For christ sake it only takes 30 mins tops to get the three miles in. Me and my gf have downloaded this awesome app called C25k and it gradually builds u up to run a full 5k wo stopping. Right now it goes in jogging/walking intervals. Right now I am at:

5 min walk warm up
3 min run
90 sec walk
5 min run
2 min walk
5 min run
5 min walk cool down

The stuff in between the warm up and cool down gets repeated a serious of times or some shit....I may have the times off a smidge but that's pretty close. I can run it without getting tired and wanting to stop too so that's pretty cool. :)

Now I just need to quit smoking hahah. Hopefully soon.

Well ladies, I'm off to finish up my day at the office. I'll update tomorrow and wish me luck!

<3

Peanut Butter and Frosted Flakes

Just a small manic session and I need to get this out.

As you know, when my dad comes into town for work it is an endless struggle of food and him trying to feed me. When he leaves, he leaves behind whatever food he didn't finish at the hotel. This time it is:

1. A gigantic tub of full fat Skippy peanut butter
2. A Family size box of generic frosted flakes (literally it says "sugar coated" corn flakes on the box)
3. About 7 packets of grits....mmm god I love grits
4. A can of Progressive soup, which is 100 cals, so that's "ok"

Really the peanut butter is fucking killing me. I know I should just throw it out. If fucking calls my name all day. Earlier I went and got a huge spoon and scooped out a gigantic glob of it. Smelled it. Then dump coffee grounds on it. FUCK. Close call but I made it thru. But the jar is still in the cabinet. Why can't i just throw out food. I always think "don't be wasteful, just gain control." But jesus - HI I'M BULIMIC. I waste food everyday. It really sucks when you can't understand your own mind.

OH LOOK! I'm reporting failure again!!! RANT

Hey Mes Betches.

So yesterday I had this to accomplish after work:

Go to the bank
Go tan
Run??
Clean both bathrooms
Do laundry
Go to Walmart to pick up scale
Go to register for the 5k

What I actually got done:

Pick up scale
Register for 5k

This time it was not my fault actually. Eric texts me on the bus saying he has friends over and we are not running errands, he is drunk and we are BBQing.

WTF. At this point my extreme mood swings kick in and I go from a rather decent mood (which is rare these days) to KILLER mode. I know I should not feel this way. I know I should not have the burning desire to shoot my loving boyfriend in the face for changing plans. I change plans all the time. The world will not stop if the bathroom gets cleaned on Wednesday instead of Tuesday. I love his friends I should be happy to visit and relax with them. BUT NO. I'm so sick of myself. I just wanna be normal. Be happy. Not have manic insane thoughts race through my head at every moment of every day. I need therapy again. I never should have stopped but fucking HMO's and my DUI's have made it fucking impossible to seek help. I am a therapy lifer and I am OK with that and actually ENJOY going because I have a third party who is completely neutral to tell me to CHILL THE FUCK OUT and enjoy life for a second. These ups n downs n sadness to euphoria to mania is taking a toll on me. Sometimes I feel I can't even function. I worry so much about trying to appear normal and happy to those around me and its mental torture and I end up snapping and being mean to nice people who don't deserve it. Not only am I freaking out at the time the mood swings happen but then it's even worse after because I know I was a complete fucking bitch ONCE AGAIN for no fucking reason. I end up hating myself just a little bit more everytime this happens.

I can't breathe right now......

So I stayed up until 11pm eating veggie meat stuffed mushrooms and margaritas. The only plus is it took a laxative affect and I think helped me loose a pound....but I just used my scale for the first time this morning so I don't have actual fact of that. I'm not reporting my weight until its in the 30's.....as I mentioned a few posts ago. I'm sure those of you who read my blog often can guess my weight.....blah.

I'm at like 300 cals for the day so far including Bfast and Lunch. Ate some raw red peppers, cucumbers and carrots with a dash of S&P. Breakfast I grabbed a plain hamburger bun as I dashed out the door......speaking of that bun......

1. WTF was I thinking eating that? Oh yeah...hungover throwing up and needed something to absorb the acid.
2. Did you know that there was 120 CALS in that sonofabitch? 120 cals?!?!?! Jesus.

Bread, I love you. Stop being so full of calories n shit. Thanks.

I'll leave you with this on that note. Loves.

New Scale

I pick up my new scale today. Excited. Living with Eric's analog for the past 17 days has made me wanna commit suicide.....even more after I found out it was 5 pounds LIGHT. Wtf....that was a BAD DAY, lemme tell ya.

I'm guessing I am still the fat weight I last reported to you all. Surprise Surprise.

I have been failing miserably at training for this 5k. I have 1 month 1 day left to get my ass in gear. I am attempting to wake up at 4am tomorrow to start morning running. I was going to start today, but the gallon of wine I drank last night had me in bed until about 5:25 am......usually I have to get up by 5. Enough said.

I have consumed 700ish cals today so FAIL.

I have the burning desire to post a "new plan" but wont. Not until I start succeeding.

Miss you all.

<3

No one;s picking up the phone, guess it's me, and me........

Yep, best song lyric ever right there......and the truth it holds is unbelieveable.

There is not one person in my life I can trust to talk to.

I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING.

I live in a apartment with a loaded gun now......no more excuses.

Time to stop being pathetic and do the world a favor.

But I won't.....because I'm even a failure at suicide. Third times a charm???

Maybe.

just dropping in

to say I'm alive......and fat.....as always, unfortunately.

I started running. Well one day so far. I'm signing up for a 5k with my gf I workout with.

Suicidal thoughts plague me. I can't take this feeling. I don't think it will ever go away.

I got back with Eric. I love him. We are moving in together. He already has the place, I just gotta finish carting my stuff.

Kittie, josie13, gianna, Run, Miranda and everyone else, I miss you, hope your doing ok.

<3

Let's Face It: I'm just a fucking failure.

I haven't been around lately because, well, who wants to post when all they do is complain about there failures and that they are still a big fat piece of shit. I can't stand to look at myself. I'm fat, pale, bloated, and my skin broke out. I fucking hate myself.

I'm not posting until I'm 135. I might still stop in to read and comment on blogs but as far as how I'm doing, yeah fuck it.

<3 you ladies.

Hey Ladies

Feeling super depressed today. It's my own fault tho. It always sucks the worst when your sadness is brought on by your own stupidity.

I've been feeling better about the whole break up with Eric. We are still talking and actually hung out this whole weekend. Hanging out with him realized I made the right decision and I DO NOT want to get back with him. He is a great guy and I would like to keep him as a friend but other than that, no thanks. It's so much easier when I date myself, lol. I am glad I made this realization this weekend because I almost got back together with him last Thursday. PHEWWWW, dodged that bullet. The only thing that sucks is I know Eric thinks in the back of his mind that we are going to get back together. I was VERY clear on Thursday and told him that he should not have any expectations and that just because we hang out doesn't mean we are on the path back to "coupleism." He said he understood but I don't think so. I'm not really helping the situation tho. We had some drinks with our friends Friday and I went back to his house to spend the night and.....ya know......we didn't end up sleeping together though because he had "issues." He has had impotence issues our whole relationship and it was so fucking annoying. I try to be supportive and I was, I know it's not his fault. But shit, Bitch needs some sex sometimes!!! In a way i guess it was a blessing because I know I shouldn't sleep with him. Shame on me I guess.

Anyways, last week went well. I stuck to my guns and didn't drink any booze all week. Binge drinking bender has finally come to an end. I was gunna try to not drink anything until April but this weekend happened and....yeah. But I did REALLY well on Friday; only had a handful of beer, no binging and no black outs. It was awesome. I don't ever pat myself on the back but I was really proud of myself. Sad, yes. But it is what it is and being an alcoholic and all I think I did fantastic. Yay me.

Binging has slowed down also. Not what I wanted of course but better than it was. I am really getting tired of mia. My poor teeth. Today was day one for not B/Ping. So far so good. My plan for the evening is:

2 Mile walk home from bus
1 mile jog to tanning bed
Tan
Ride back to house from tanning bed
50 crunches
Shower
Ni Nights.

If I'm really feeling ambitious and do all that shit I might paint my nails. We shall see.

I don't know my weight right now and I "don't" want to. I am so fat its gross. I don't even wanna see a scale until I get back to 140. Jesus Christ. I hate myself for what I do to myself. It's already march 12th and I haven't lost anything. Fuck me fuck me fuck me seriously. What the fuck is my problem?!?!?!

God damn I'm so sad/mad/frustrated with myself right now. Would someone fly to Chicago to kick my ass please??? Thanks.

Well I hope everyone is doing ok. I have mucho blogs to catch up on. Sorry Ladies, but never forget how much I love you all!!