Extremely Bipolar Today

Had court this morning. Guess who drove me?? DUN DUN DUN......DENNIS. Yeah.....guess I need to fill you in on that.........basically he texted me on Sunday saying he missed me and had to see me and I was "worth it" and blah blah blah. I told him we can see each other and work something out. Whatever. I asked him on Tuesday if he could drive me to court for a "favor" in exchange. He said yes. Jesus Christ I am such a fucking whore. As it happened tho court took a super long time and I ended up just getting a ride from him. No warrant and no blow job. Win Win? Meh......We havent had sex or anything since we called shit off a few weeks ago. I have a cervical procedure called the LEEP being done November 9th and I can't have sex for 6 WEEKS afterwords. I told Dennis "get it while it's still hot on the market." Agian - another whore remark. Eric of course is perfect and sweet and doesn't mind we can't have sex just wants me to be healthy. Hahahahahahah. Healthy???? Yeah right. I'll never be healthy with ED and Depression on my back. Oh yeah.....let's not forget drug addict and alcoholic. Yay me. I seriously don't even care about anything but my ED anymore in regards to my own life. I have officially done everything in my life I said I would never do. I have zero respect for myself of anyone and the proof of that is in the Dennis pudding. All I want is to get thin and then die a month later. It seems like something so easy to accomplish. It is easy to accomplish. Yet what is keeping me from doing it? False hopes of me ACTUALLY becoming a decent person one day? HAH. I think I need to take a mirror out n see me reflection again. I will always be a worthless waste of human matter.

So yeah....another bi-polar day, as I call them. And of course I am not hating on anyone who has actually been diagnosed. I had a therapist say she wanted me to be evaluated or some shit because she was convinced I had it. I never saw her again. I did take a bloggers test tho and scored high in Split Personality Disorder. The traits are me to a fucking T. So I'm just going to go with that. But inside I know I am probabaly BP because of how irractic I am. Hurray.

**side note......just tasted Fresca Peach for the first time. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Best diet soda ever!

Anyways, so today I have consumed half a pop and a cup of coffee. It's 3:36 pm. I weighed in this morning at 146.something.......I am determined to be 140 by Monday. I can do it if I stay focused. I am quite excited because I will not be celebrating Halloween at all. I had an opportunity to work this weekend and make some extra money so I jumped on it. I had a party Eric's roommate was throwing Friday but I cancelled on him yesterday. I work from 9 am to about 10pm. Then I have to be back up at 7am on Saturday to finish off the work. SOOOO many hours but I am actually thrilled about it. Between court and taking that sick day last week I have lost ten hours so I need to make up some money before my next check. BILLS BILLS BILLS. Oh how I love them. So with me working, I will not be binge drinking and eating shit food all night. I know I still have Saturday and Sunday to deal with but despite how sad I feel I am feeling positive about restricting. Let's hope that sticks. I also have about 12 pain killers I have saved (I actually know where they are!! HAHAH) and that will supress my appetite. I also have a package of bronks. :) Pray for me!!

Well I had a ton of shit to say but the work phone and my email is blowing up so I better be off. It was all pointless babble anyways, lol.

Stay lovely home slices. <3

Why Can't I Ever Manage........

.......to stick to a goal........of any sort.

Still so depressed and feeling like shit. I know the change of the seasons is not helping. :( I just wanna hide under my blakets and never come out......well not until I loose forty pounds. I wonder how long I would have to stay under there.....??

I have STILL been eating like a fucking pig. Oink Oink. This weekend was filled with Booze, SHIT FOOD and zero exercise. I blame myself and the weed I bought last week. I seriously fuck up my eating and weight so bad everytime I buy it. Eric rarely smokes either, just like me, and he wanted some last week so I treated. I swear one hitter a day has me in full binge mode 24/7. I have one hitter left. Packed and ready at home. I decided I'm already probably like 20 pounds heavier than last reported and screwed up majorly today already so I am ending the night with that one hitter and a bowl of Alfredo noodles and veggies.

Today I ate:

1 Campbells Select Soups
1 Bagel loaded with REAL Butter
1 Jimmy Johns #6 with no sproats
1 Jimmy johns BBQ chip
1 package of Captains Wafers

I've already eaten all that shit and it's only 4:32 p.m. FUCK. Why can't I ever gain control and just loose this god damn weight?!?!?!?

So once again I "start over." I honestly have no clue what kind of damage I have done to myself. I'm so scared to weigh.........so freaking the fuck out.

Well I will hopefully write more tomorrow. I have alot of blogs to catch up on too. Usually I tend to disappear when I'm failing and eating like a COW....hopefully that never happens again.

Loves <3

So Depressed

Hey...

I've been so depressed and sad lately. And kinda sick on top of it. Hence not posting alot this week. My weight...???? Don't even wanna know. Havent even been trying lately. I am so sad today it is keeping everything inside me not to just burst into tears. I wish I would just burst into flames and be done with this life.

I am:

1. FAT
2. Broke
3. With a boyfriend I do not deserve
4. Ungrateful
5. Spiteful
6. A lier.
7. FAT.......just in case anyone forgot.
8. Useless
9. Fucked for court the 27th.
10. Semi suicidal......but not REALLY.

I don't know what to do with myself. I am sad for the same reasons as always. And as always i can only blame myself for such a shitty life. Que pity party. I'm so pathetic.

I have class tonight. If I blow this one off I have to go twice next week. UGH. I seriously don't want to go but know I should. FUCK. It's like 30 degrees and windy as shit.....I hate having to walk in this garbage.

Well I have nothing else to say. Bye.

Here I Am Again..........

At Eric's house. Playing nurse. It's only 9:45 am and I have already scrubbed down the kitchen, cleaned the bathroom, started laundry, made coffee and took the dog out. ANNNNNNDDDDD I'm bored. Yuck.

I still have yet to shower but am waiting on that because I am going to go for a walk soon. I need to get out and get some fresh air. It's gorgeous outside today, just like last weekend. I'm going to go outside and enjoy it even if just for an hour. :)

Has anyone watched The Colony?? It's an awesome reality TV show. And I'm not even big on reality shows, except Teen Mom. LOL. It's a show about ten people placed in an apocalypse like setting in LA and they have to build clean water systems, provide electricity etc etc. Its a pretty awesome show in my opinion. Check it out on Netflix if you have a subscription.

Ok well I just caught Eric reading my shit. I'm a dumb ass for even trying to blog here. So much for a piece of sanity. I'll try to blog later when he is passed out of something.

<3 

Post for Blogger KITTY........

Kitty is a girl who's blog I follow.....as I'm sure some of you ladies do also. I truly love her blog and I understand her daily frustrations with loosing. I was sitting here reading her latest post and it dawned on me........I never once have blogged about my ACTUAL weight and where I have come from.

When I was 15 I weighed 220 pounds. I was completely miserable. Just the thought of having to loose sooo much weight to be at a healthy BMI got me so upset I never wanted to do anything about it. I would diet for a week or two....see little results....then say fuck it. The cycle would continue over and over again. I wish I had pictures of this time to post.......but I didn't really allow anyone to take them. : /

Kitty left a comment on one of my posts the other day that said:

Kittysaid...
You should be a tad kinder to your self.. If you ever get as fat as I am THEN you can start hating your self..


Kitty......I was really heavy at one point in my life. It was hard work but I eventually got down to 135 by 17 and it was AWESOME. I know you can do it too!! I'm glad you have been more positive lately and you have to keep thinking that way. It's the only way to keep on striving.....and loosing :)

How did I do it? Okay fine....yes there was fasting and good old MIA along the way but I had to seriously change my life style too. I made rules for myself. No eating past 6. If I went to a restaurant I was never allowed to order anything but a salad. Even if it was a special occasion. Despite being 15 and getting shit talk from my friends about "dieting" I never rarely let my meals falter. I avoided pizza pig outs. I LIVED on fresh veggies (STAY AWAY FROM CANNED GOODS) and fruits. Cottage cheese and lean skinless chicken were HUGE staple in my diet. No caffeine, no pop, even diet pop. Yeah - food was boring. I would get mad but it was SOOO worth it in the end. I worked out 3 times a week for 45 minutes. I had my mom backing me up the first two weeks to get my ass to the gym but eventually I started to want to go. You just have to get used to it as first.

I know I gained some weight back.....ugh FAIL. But ultimately that shit happens. Weight goes up and down in life. Meh. I'm just happy I've stayed in control enough to never see that number again.

Kitty I hope your not offended by this. I just want you to know that there is success at the end. And I know how you feel. I'm always here for you if you wanna chat.

Much Love <3

THANK GOD (Whomever that is..........)

Woke up this morning to 146.6. Thank god. One day of fasting made me loose 4.6 pounds. Damn bloating/water/whatever. I plan on fasting again today and all thru the weekend. Fingers CroXXed. I need to eat less than Eric this weekend. Which is basically nothing. Yay.

Last night was.........usual.

Spent all my money on tequila and Diet Mountain Dew as predicated. Total came out to 23.09. So I have .63 cents to live on till Monday. YAYYYYYY for me. It also dawned on me that I never even picked up a Sweetest Day card for Eric. Nor do I have any money to take him out to do anything. Do I spend part of the 200??? EGHHHH. I know I "probably" should....but I'm not. Maybe if I cry or something he wont think I'm the complete asshole that I am for spending 80 dollars on booze this week and nothing on him. I FUCKING FAIL AT EVERYTHING. I plan on walking to Walgreen's after work to buy him a card. With change. How embarrassing. I'll have to rob my piggy bank to do so. My piggy is my tattoo fund. Not suppose to rob that either but I can't NOT have a card. I don't even think he really cares about the holiday anyways. I asked him if there was something he wanted to do since i obviously can't take him to dinner with his surgery and all........he said it depends on how he feels. Okay fine whatever. usually I would take more initiative, like I did with his birthday, but in this case why even try?? I'm not going to plan some awesome day and then just be let down bc he feels like shit. God I'm selfish....IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU JAMIE.

To continue......so I drank half a fifth. Danced around my room to Paramore and Sia all the while doing two loads of laundry and DEEP cleaning my bedroom. Washed walls, ceiling fan, dusted, changed bedding, and even had my ass on the ground with the vacuum attachments cleaning under my bedroom furniture. Oh my wash it a dusty mess under there!!! (I have hardwood flooring) I even got a rag soaked with floor cleaner solution and mopped under the furniture. I am quite proud of myself for that one. :) Then...as always....the devil came home from work............

First she bitched about my clothes being in the dryer. "How long is this shit gunna be on I want to go to bed, I've been up since 6am!!!" Well if you'd CHECK THE FUCKING TIMER WISE ASS , it say 5 MINUTES. You haven't even taken off your god damn work uniform yet I think they will finish before then. So I took my slightly, just barely damp clothes out of the dryer and threw them on my floor just to make her STFU.  

Then she bitched about me attempting to find a snack to eat. I can't even remember what she was saying I just walked out of the kitchen. When she was washing her face I snuck into the kitchen and grabbed a banana. It's sad I feel I had to sneak into the kitchen for a fucking banana. The theme of the day continued.

 I didn't realize 24 year old had to be told when/where/how to eat. Yet she is constantly nagging about how she never sees me eat. JESUS CHRIST mom. Wonder where my fucked up eating originated from?????

I'm pretty sure there was something else she bitched about but I don't remember. Needless to say I pretended I was going to sleep. Didn't get to finish my laundry YET AGAIN because of her. Typed that last blog. Passed out. The End.

Eric has been looking at apartments. He wants me to move in with him. HAHAH are you serious?? Yeah right. We have known each other like 3 months. I'm not crazy in that sense. Been there done that with 2 ex's. Plus I can't stand your dog. Thinking of looking at that thing everyday......... I'd rather live with my mother. At least she works three nights a week so I get some alone time. I am VERY big on alone time. I snap without it. I can't even imagine being married. Being around someone 24/7. I'll fucking loose it. I should and will just die alone. It's for the best, really it is. If he gets an apartment close to my bus route, however, it will be a nice get away from the Devil if need be. I only see her Monday's and Tuesdays so usually we can keep the peace...it's just always those nights she comes home from work. She pulls doubles those days. I mean FINE MOM. I get it. You're tired. But don't take it out on me. I used to work THREE JOBS at one time AND go to school full time on top of it. Don't tell me I don't know what it's like to work hard. You forget - I wasn't always a complete waste of space. 

I am sooo fageezing bored at work. Another youtube movie day I guess. My Internet at work is so fucked up i can't watch Netflix like I want to so everyday is a hunt to find a decent movie on youtube. I watched a movie called "From Homeless to Harvard" the other day. I liked it a lot. Its based on a true story and I try to think of that movie every time I throw a pity party for myself. Usually the pity party still happens though. I just don't think I will ever be worth anything in life. If any of you ladies are bored check it out.

So far today I've eaten (surprise!!!) a banana, 1 cup coffee and some egg drop soup. Cals are at around 266. Dinner will be......broccoli?? Some veggie of the sort.

I'm sure I'll post later. Love you bitches. <3

On the brink

Im typing this in the dark. I cannot go on anymore. not here. not like this. as much as i want to die something inside me tells me it is not time. Im will know when it is. i hate myself. i hate life. i hate existance. period. i dream of the day my birthday, when i can finally sat goodbye

My Brain Is A Fruit Basket.....Care to Go Banana With Me?

Hey ladies.

UGH. Today is a bad day. Good food wise. I'm on 5 bites of egg drop soup, a banana and two cups of coffee. I'm pretty pissed about the banana but I guess it suits today's theme.......

I know I should have made a list of things I wanted to bitch about......so many things. Just when I was getting ready to blog I was interrupted by my boss to do something. Now my head is so swirly I can barely remember any of it.

Basically....I fucking Love/Hate today. Mostly hate, in a highly suicidal bi-polar fashion.

It is raining. And Pandora just so happened to play the most perfectly depressing music on the way to work. Love that.

I also love the mini heater under my desk that has been keeping me warm for the past year. Best seven dollars ever spent.

Splenda and Diet Mountain Dew. I would be lost without you. Oh....Tequila too. :)

Hate:

Item 1. My boyfriend -

As you all know he had surgery recently. He has not acted as babyish as I had suspected he would. That is good. HOWEVER...........do not sit there and bitch about how you are tired of eating the exact same foods everyday when you know that there are other options. For CHRIST SAKE Eric. You own a food processor. Do you know that there are many veggies, fruits and other items that can be pureed and still be delish?? Mashed carrots, Creamed spinach, Banana smoothies. You are a thirty 30 year old very intelligent person. GET A FUCKING CLUE. It's fine if you did not realize this on your own (for some reason) but I told you about 400fuckingtimes already to make this shit for yourself. He's on the brink of dehydration and is not getting enough vitamins. You want a god damn cold on top of your surgery??? Yeah I don't think hacking is the best option for you right now. I once again mentioned this today in a text conversation and he responds "True." DUH FUCKING TRUE. What the fuck have I been telling you??? I know you like to make me feel like a fucking idiot daily and subtly responds "BUT" to everything I say but I actually do know about SOME THINGS. Even if the list is small. I said this to him (in a MUCH nicer fashion...followed by a very fake "lol") and he responds "You're so smart and beautiful, what would I do without you?" Most girls would find this a compliment. Me - NO. Don't patronize me on a bipolar day you fuck. JESUS CHRIST. OH - AND BY THE WAY - I HATE YOUR FUCKING DOG. Men with small dogs should all be wiped off the face of this fucking earth. PERIOD. Next time you call your fucking shit sized dog an "angel" I am going to vomit on you. And tell that little bitch thanks for the two pee spots she put on my mothers fucking white carpeting yesterday. I told you to watch your fucking dog but apparently your GOD DAMN phone was more important. FUCK YOU. OH AND THANK YOU for mentioning how you have dropped 16 pounds in a week in a half when I can't seem to loose five in a month. Way to cheer my up you asshole.

Item 2. My compulsion to look at my cell phone.

Before my best ED friend Clementine went into the army we would text each other non-stop all day every day. She has been gone for a little over 4 months now. We still talk and text but rarely. Apparently she went into the army to "get her life together" which means becoming a complete drunk and blowing coke up her nose every weekend off base. ANOTHER DUMB ASS. I condone these activities but not in the army. DUH. And for some reason I still find myself checking my phone like every 5 seconds for a text. HI - NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT HOW YOU ARE DOING TODAY.  I need to realize that.

Item 3. My mother. In so many forms I cannot express.

I love my mom. She "means well." But god damn if she brings home one more item of food for me I think I might rob a gun store and Go Lane Bryant on her ass and anyone within 20 feet of me. Including the fridge. Last night she brings home 2 baked potatoes from work. OH GREAT - thanks for the fucking carbs mom. Like this kangaroo pouch needs that starchy devil. UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Item 4. Being broke 200% of the time.

I would love nothing more than to go home and get drunk on tequila in my bed while watching something on TV or Netflix. BUT NO. I have approximately $23.72 to my name for the next 4 days. I still have the $200.00 in my drawer from fucker AKA Dennis but like previously stated: that is for credit cards only. I am not budging on that no matter how pissed/sad/happy I am. Who knows.....if this mood keeps on escalating like it has today I may just say fuck it all and buy the damn tequila with the rest of my money. I can get a fifth. Happy weekend to me? I think so.

Item 5. Hiding drugs when you are on drugs = WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY DRUGS??

I stole 5 oxy's from Eric. Yeah yeah yeah I'm a POS. Whatthefuckever. I came home on Sunday fucked up on percocets and hid them somewhere in my room. I have been saving them all week for this weekend in hopes of me not eating shit food like last weekend. I do not eat when I am high on pills. It just dawned on my dumb ass today that I have no fucking clue where I hid them. I believe it is possible they might be in this one drawer. MIGHT is a strong word. If I go home and they are not there I 1. Have no clue where they are and 2. Will go ape shit tearing apart everything trying to find them. Please Jesus Christ (whoever you are) let them be in that drawer. I wish my mother was cool enough to call: "Hi mom, It's me. Can you check this makeup drawer in my room for my Oxi's? I wanna make sure I am good and fucked up this weekend so I can starve. Thanks Mom. *giggle* Yeah, I Love You Too." (Insert dream world)


****Side Note: I just checked my cell phone. AGAIN. I seriously just need to throw the thing away****


I can't think of any more items. My head is pounding. I can't wait until I get home. I'm thinking that tequila is definitely in my future. I also just remembered I have a bedroom that is a complete disaster. Jesus Christ I wanted to just lay in bed, drunk and crying. Maybe I still will. I could always clean it tomorrow before Eric gets me. Or just stay home all together and not go see him. So many possibilities.

I'm so depressed. These are the days when taking the bus home really sucks the big one. I wish i could just get in my car and blast sad music and cry. Instead I get to choke down tears for the two hours it takes for me to get home.

FMFL.

I hate myself....I don't think that will ever change.

Thank you everyone for your nice comments on my last two posts. I am sorry I never got around to making the meal plan and posting it. Caring for Eric was kinda a full time job.....but I guess I am making excuses for myself yet again. I did manage to take his dog for a 45 minutes walk on Sunday because I was going simply batty stuck in that house all weekend with such nice weather. I guess we are having out "Indian Summer" as they call it. Last few weird weeks of warmth before the snow storms begin. YUCK.

I have extremely depressing news to report. This is why I haven't blogged in the past two days. I am SO FAT it is not funny. Staying with Eric over the weekend totally fucked my weight up and now everyday I have been in crazy binge mode. I WAS DOING SO FUCKING WELL for a minute. God Damn. I don't even want to tell you guys my weight but I know it will shame me enough to get back on track.

151.

Yep. I'm a fat fucking pathetic piece of shit.

I have to run but promise to catch up on all your blogs and post more tomorrow.  

Excuse me, Nurse Betty, You're Fat is Hanging out.........

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF ????

I have stayed the weekend at Eric's house taking care of him and despite some HEAVY cleaning and going up and down his flight of stairs like every ten minutes........I have done some serious damage to my weight. I could have used this weekend to loose some, but no. As usual I engorge my fat face on dumb food simply because I am in a good mood when I'm around him and "oh well it doesnt matter." FuckmeI'mserious. His scale keeps saying 145 but its an old step scale not a digital and well frankly I don't even trust the doctor's scale so it means nothing. And oh what - GREAT I maintained again.........I need to stop being so god damn happy about that. I need to fucking loose this weigth and get on with this Halloween challenge I joined. It's already Oct 9th and I STILL haven't lost one pound towards the 135 goal. So I have 22 days left counting today. I already ate two pieces of toast with chive n onion cream cheese. The toast about 140 and the cream cheese....who knows. I smeared it on like it was going out of style. FUCK. So as I am typing this I was thinking about just starting "fresh" tomorrow but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH with this "tomorrow" garbage. So okay fine. I need to deal with the toast and have a successful day for the remainder. You'd think with Eric's surgery I would be eating less but no. I am eating only when he does but eating what he does......which is basically carbs. Oatmeal, mashed potatoes, soups, ice cream and noodles of various assortments. Oh and pancakes. I think eggs is like the only have decent thing Ive eaten all weekend. I did make mashed salmon and broccoli yesterday in a positive attempt but it was still pretty hard for him to eat so I ended up eating basically all of it. Fucking yay.........
We already decided that lunch today is SURPRISE: noodles. With butter. Shit. He still has some frozen broccoli left so I think I will make that and maybe have just a half cup noodles with him. Yeah yeah I know I shouldn't eat any. I tried be prepared to eat this whole weekend while his house but when we went to Walmart to buy groceries Eric was in a lot of pain and I didn't have time to browse the aisles as I thought I would. I ended up with a can of Mushroom soup and a can of corn......

(I read just that last blurb about Walmart...EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES. SO WHAT if I couldn't roam Walmart. SO WHAT if Eric wants noodles. I don't have to eat that shit and I know it. SHAME ON ME. God damn when will I ever just get my god damn shit together?????

God my weight is driving me nuts. I know my scale at home would probably read in the 150's. I really fucking did it this time didn't I??

I just looked up my cal intake requirements to actually loose ten pounds this month. According to the sight I am supposed to consume 1782 cals a day. (Yeah right I never do...even this weekend). My output is supposed to be 1575 daily so basically I can only keep 207 calories in my body per day. With that said....I need to come up with a SERIOUS meal plan and def pick up a shit ton of green veggies when Eric and I go shopping later. I looove green veggies so that wont be too much of a challenge; the worst of it is just dealing with all the god damn shit food my mother constantly brings home for me. I wish she would just stop that shit.

I can so do this. Despite the negative feelings running through my head right now I know I will never make it if I don't have a little faith in myself. I will post my meal plan in a bit after I create it on an Excel spreadsheet.......I love making spreadsheets :)

<3

Disappointed.......

I just realized that October 15th is Sweetest Day. God Damn u Hallmark Holidays. I had to cancel on my rave plans. :'( So pissed right now. We rescheduled for another party November 4th. A pre-birthday, "Not Your Birthday" party as we are calling it. I fucking HATE my birthday. On my actual day of birth I am sitting in the dark, in my house, alone with a fifth of tequila. I already asked my intrusive mother to be elsewhere at the crack of dawn until noon the next day. Eric is also aware that he will not be seeing me. Everyone thinks I'm being completely ridiculous but I DO NOT FUCKING CARE. Isn't it MY birthday? Didn't you ask me what I WANTED TO DO? So I told you. Now get over it.

I am not unpacking that outfit. I will be wearing it to the underground that wonderful night of November 4th. I don't care who or what happens or comes up I am NOT CANCELING on Sean for the millionth time. The sky could be crying acid and I'll walk there. DONE DEAL.

Peridot - hahahah I totally thought you were calling me that but didn't take it offensive at all! Hilarious!! I do feel quite a fool now though that I misunderstood hahaha. Oh well. Thanks for the advice about Dennis and the good wishes to Eric. I'm sorry you found a mouse in your room. Eww.....let us know how the whole "jar mouse" thing goes LOL.

Run - Thanks for the good wishes for Eric also. <3 I know exactly how you feel about the laxatives....I used to feel the same way when I took them. Like a god damn kid in a candy store every time I went to purchase more. Eyy.....us ED girls are quite messed up hahah. I love it.

To update you all: Eric's surgery went great. He is in a lot of pain but I suppose is handleing it as well as possible. He informed me that apparently he is a big fat baby when he gets sick or injured so I guess I will be the judge of his manliness when I see him for the first time this weekend. Assuming this creeping up cold I have doesn't lash out at me. If that happens I cant see him at all. :( Too much risk for infection. I'm doing everything in my power to stay well. As of now its only a minor sore throat. No coughing or such. We shall see.


To ramble for a moment.......I wish there was a thing called "insta-weight flash" (yeah I just made that awesome name up). Like when I look at myself in the mirror I cannot imagine what I would look like 20 pounds lighter. I just can't do it. All I see is FAT FAT FAT. Now...if this insta thing worked it would go as so: You stand naked in the mirror and for like 30 seconds or so your weight would drop to whatever you desired so you could see what you will look like at the goal weight. Then your weight would go back to normal (unfortunately). I think if I could actually see what I would look like 20 pounds lighter I would be much more inspired. Have more drive to get out there and RUN RUN RUN everyday no matter what. I just get so discouraged by my reflection sometimes I just want to break every shinny surface in my house. Except the wine glasses.....lol. Wouldn't that be great? If we could just get a flash of what we desired? Maybe a loud booming voice from above that told us what we needed to do everyday to get there? I have no clue how to activate the flash of where the voice comes from but shit. That's why it's called make believe. It doesn't have to make sense.


I am really sick of my bosses sister popping fucking popcorn. I would be okay with this but it's the fact that I have it in this office so the smell makes me wanna dive into my side of the food cabinet and join her. SHIT. I won't do it. I am still only on those kidney beans, have an hour left of work and if I can make it I'm not eating shit at home. I cannot find my last pack of Bronk's so I have no helper to get me through......I need a plan......ok:


* Walk two miles home
* Change all bedding and wash out any germies
* Do 30 mins strength.
* Attempt Sumo Exercises as directed by Lou
* Paint nails
* Take Hot Bath


Fuck the bath I'll have to scrub out the tub when I'm done. Shower it is.

Have a THIN evening. <3

You've Been Officially Curb Kicked

Woke up 143.9. Yay.....finally recovering from being a Pizza Slut ........as Peridot so cutely worded it. :)

Last night was interesting. After a maddening conversation with Dennis I kicked his sorry ass to the curb. GOD what the hell was I thinking. I will NEVER cheat on ANYONE ever again. I hate myself for going back on my own beliefs over stupid money. Not that it makes it any better but I'm glad it only happened once. I would love to kick my own ass right now.

After the convo with him I was quite pissed. I let my madness get the best of me and instead of working out I ended up getting a half pint of tequila, blasted angry chic music and spent the next two hours dancing around like a fucking psychopath in front of my mirror. God I LOVE doing that. :) If I could of kept the booze out of it I would have burned cals, lol. Oh well. I also put some laundry away that I had forgotten about in my spare bedroom so that felt accomplishing.

I have a rave I am going to October 15th with a very good gay friend of mine. Sean. I love him to death. He's always been one of my best friends, best partiers and a big brother to me. In midst of my tipsiness I realized I still hadn't decided what I was going to wear. I didn't want to spend any money so I whipped this together. Add a few glow sticks and accessories and I'm good to go. I may add an extra tank top as well. Let me know what you think.

I also took some body pics this morning:

Fucking GROSS!!!



Pathetic Excuse for a Spine

Egh......what the hell do I do about that hip fat? I know I just started working out but I don't ever think I will be able to get rid of that shit. It's so frustrating. If anyone knows of some good links to back fat exercises let me know PWEEEZE. :) My thighs as you can plainly see are also YUCK. uuuugh. I swear. I am blessed with the torso of my mother and cursed with the lower region of my father. Including that flat ass. I am constantly torn about the ass. NO - I don't want it. Ass = FAT. But YES - I want it so my god damn jeans stop flashing my ass crack every time I bend over. It would just be nice to have an ass proportionate to my exceedingly large hips. It is so hard to find jeans that fit, fat or skinny.

Today I have had half a cup of coffee and some kidney beans. About 200 cals. I walked into work today ready to pass out since I hadn't eaten since 1pm yesterday so I allowed some food. Finished my beans from yesterday hoping that eating the carbs early would give me a better chance of them being burned off and not sticking to my disgusting body. Who ever really knows?

Stay beautiful. Please leave comments on the pictures! Harsh words only help me!!

So bored.....and semi worried.....and a whore.

I am soooo fucking bored at work. I can't wait until tax season hits and shit starts picking up around here.  Don't get me wrong......its great sitting on my fat ass facebooking, blogging and watching movies all day but boredom leads to thinking about food. Which fucking sucks.

So far I have eaten one pear and 8oz of kidney beans. I took a Bronkaid and nothing. My tolerance is starting to rise and I need to start uping my dosages. I only have like 16 left. I really need to order some on Amazon. I am just too broke to buy them. Okay so I have 200 dollars that Dennis gave me but I SWORE to myself that any of his money I received was to use towards my credit card debt only. I'm not cheating on my boyfriend to by stupid shit. I'm doing it to get my life on track so maybe I can ACTUALLY HAVE A GOOD ONE. I know - my reasoning is garbage and totally off whack.

Eric had his surgery today at 1pm. It is now 4pm. It's a 20 minute procedure. I am sure he is all fucked up on the drugs that knocked him out but god damn. I thought I would have heard from him by now. It sucks that I have only met his family a few times so I didn't get a call from his mom or anything. We aren't on that level yet. I'm sure he is just fine but shit happens ya know? Anesthesia can kill a person! I worry about the chemicals more than the actual surgery itself. But who am I to say anything??? I have plans to fuck another man the day of my wonderful boyfriends surgery. I should be shot in the fucking head. Any takers?

The only reason I hope Dennis comes by tonight is so I don't eat.....at least it gives me an extra hour or two of forced control. I don't even want the sex. As soon as he leaves who knows what will happen. The guilt inside me is terrible. I can't believe I am doing this to Eric. And the money isn't even good. But I'm so desperate. I don't know what to do. I wonder if Dennis feels guilty for cheating on his wife? I might just ask him tonight. I imagine he will say no.....he just seems like that type of guy. I know no one that reads this gives a shit....but technically this is my blog/journal so.....yeah. I continue.....I don't know how to bring this money thing up. It shames me enough that I'm even doing this. That my life has come to this. Jesus Christ my parents didn't raise me to be such a fuck up.

Egh......he's texting me right now.....and so is Eric. Eric is fine thank god. And I'm a huge closet whore.

FML

Last night was a success......but the scale definately hates me. :(

Before I begin I would like to reply to some people since my Blogger still is fucking up.

Slimarific - In regards to your post today: Congrats on the waiting list and the grant!! Most people would just be pissed about not getting the job (myself lol) so it's nice to see someone pull a positive from a negative. I'm glad the money will help you out. Maybe if you do some more searching you can find some more :)

Peridot - HAHAHAH I fucking love you. Your comment to my last post yesterday really put a smile on my face. I love how you called me a pizza slut.  Some might be offended by this but I most certainly am not. Cheers to you. :) I feel we are very similar in life outside of the Internet. And eww about your Pizza Hut experience. Double fail there. I will def keep that in mind every time I see that damn red hat looking symbol of theres.

To continue.......so last night I get home and immediately weigh : 147.2 WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!? In a fit of rage and borderline cry fest I changed into workout clothes and hit the streets. Ran / walked two miles. I did push myself as hard as I possibly could so I like to think I ran more than I walked. With me quitting smoking I have been hacking up a lot of gross shit and running seems to loosen that even more so running has been EXTREMELY painful in my lungs. Like pain I never experienced before. God I can only imagine what a heart attack feels like. Yuck. After my run I kept my sweaty clothes on and did some strength. 100 ab exercises, 150 on each legs and 75 per arm. My arms are incredibly weak so you will notice I always have the least reps in that area. After that I cleaned my entire room. Laundry, vacuumed, dusted etc. I was too tired to calculate the estimated calories burned. Still not really caring about it as long as I worked out. Ended the night eating 3/4 cup potato salad, puked it up and went to bed by 10:30. I totally blowed off my AA meeting but whatthefuckever. It's not like I'm getting my license back anytime soon (3+ years) and that's the whole point why I go so egh. And let's face it.....if I went there was no way in hell I woulda got my lazy tired fat ass to do some exercise. I will shoot for better next Tuesday.

I woke up this morning and weighed 145.2. UGGGHHHH. So not happy. If I'm not 140 by Monday I'm doing something crazy. Just haven't decided what yet. I'm open for suggestions.

God DAMN. My mini heater under my desk just went out. Probably over heated. Now I get to sit here and shiver because my boss likes to keep the heat setting on "Antarctica." Blast his fucking high blood pressure.

So far I have eaten nothing. Probably will take a Bronk soon cuz despite seeing my disgusting scale number I feel food weak. I had a Diet Sunkist for breakfast.....yeah I know I know.....diet pop makes us fat. But in my opinion is was a better choice then my usual morning toast. : / I brought two pears and a can of reduce sodium kidney beans. The calorie content is horrific but I need more Fiber....if you get what I'm saying. I stopped abusing laxatives a few months ago and have still not fully recovered. So beans it is.

Dennis is supposed to come over today.....meh. Not even excited about it for some reason. I am getting irritated because he is making a lot of suggestions (things I wont even put on here) for things he wants us to do sexually with out showing me the $$$. Bastard. I need to just talk with him yet AGAIN about this but I hate doing it in person. Awkward for sure. This is so beneath my standards. Serves me right getting involved in "business" with a long term family friend.

Well my fat ass is off. I'll probably post later out of boredom. I love all you bitches. <3

Feeling like a fat piece of shit........

I have no clue what my weight is after that morning breakfast........

I have managed to keep to my word and haven't eaten a bite since then. Took some vitamins, Tylenol and  second bronkaid. Almost caved today over a bag of microwave popcorn. Stayed strong though. I hate how my dad leaves food in the office for me after he goes back to Florida. That's his popcorn. Egh.

I am really hoping for 143 when I get home. All I can do is thinking about jogging my fat ass around the neighborhood. But it's only 4:45. I still have a 1.5 hour bus ride, a hour meeting and a two mile walk before I get home. I have like zero energy. I blame this on the lack of food. Usually I would be okay but eating this weekend and yesterday has made me weak again. Fucking frack. I'm thinking of running downstairs for a pop. Maybe the artificial sugar will help? I'm not so sure.......

I'm worried about what to expect when I get home...meaning my mother and the fridge. I have told her over and over again to STOP bringing me food home. She does it everyday still. Then yells at me for not eating it and wasting food. THEN STOP BRINGING IT HOME. God damn it's not that complicated.

14 minutes left until I can get out of this god forsaken office. I am hoping my bus is not late again today. It was yesterday. If that happens I miss my second bus I transfer to and I'm stuck for an hour and a half until the next one. The stop is located in the mall loop....which is nice because I have places to explore to kill the time. But who wants to shop when they're fat and broke? Certainly not me. There is a Target in the loop as well. I do need some new toiletries so I guess it wouldn't be so bad.....but there's a fucking pizza hut in the Target....and food. Like pop tarts. Fuck. I could just walk and circle the mall parking lot over and over until the bus comes. Burn cals. YES. That's what I will do. Maybe go running into target like my hair is on fire. Get my shit and GET OUT. I don't really trust myself or anything I am even typing right now. I guess we will just see what happens. And I'll update tomorrow.

Wish me luck, I really need it right now........

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME???

I dont know what the FFFFFF is going on but I am so fed up. Some blogs I follow I can post comments on...other's the just disappear after I hit "submit." I have gone into Blogger help as well and nothing they suggest is working. Any suggestions??

Skeleton Strong & Peridot........your blogs are two of the few that I am having issues with. Have my comments been appearing? I am sad that I cannot see them :(

HELLO LOVELIES!!! Been missing you!! Pics and Updates.

Sorry I have been MIA the last week.....just been...well I'm not going to give the "busy" excuse......just haven't blogged I suppose.

So I did a mini workout the 30th while I baked as planned...Dennis never came over which was actually a blessing in disguise because I got a lot of house cleaning done (burned cals yay!) and got the cakes baked for Eric. While they baked I did a mini 30 minute strength workout: 10min arms, 10min legs, 10min stomach. I have not worked out since though (shame shame) but I am not just giving it up. I wasn't home the whole weekend due to birthday festivities for Eric but I did manage to stay in control through all the eating and drinking that took place. Sunday I weighed in at 143.2 :) I WANT TO BE A SKINNY BITCH. Far away as of yet.......

Eric's Birthday party Saturday was really fun. I seriously love his friends. Minus a mini fight Eric and I got into at 3am over a coral reef tank (it was so dumb I won't even explain) everything went great. Got drunk on Jameson and Coors Light. Met some new people. Played bags and had a bonfire. Here is some pics:



Dave, Me and Eric........wasted, in case you couldn't tell. Lol.



Eric & I



Last night and this morning were EPIC fails as far as eating went. Eric has his tonsils and adenoids surgery tomorrow at 2 pm so he wanted to have a "Last Supper." I originally thought we were cooking at home so I wasn't so stressed about it because I would have control in the kitchen. WRONG. He ended up wanting to order a deep dish pizza and to top it off a fried veggie basket appetizer. Egh. He asked if I could please ignore my "diet" and just enjoy a meal with him. So I did. And man......I couldn't help myself. Ate TWO pieces of stuffed pizza (which I still don't understand how I managed to do that without a mid-purge) and like 3 onion rings, 3 mushrooms and four broccoli pieces.....all dipped in ranch. Topped that off with three oatmeal chocolate chip cookies his gma made him. And about half a 2 Liter of Diet Pepsi.....Yikes.....I know ladies. I am, however, blessed with incredible purging abilities. I have some friends who have a VERY hard time throwing up. I believe due to me growing up with food allergies I have it mastered. I can literally vomit on command if someone asked me. Seriously.....I have done it before. So after my huge pig out session I purged it up, weighed, and was still at 143.something. Sweet. YES - I did waste a whole day to loose weight but at least I didn't gain after that. And I did feel bad for my bf and his shitty surgery coming up so whatever.....I guess? LOL.

THEN.........more destruction happened.

As Eric and I are lying in bed getting ready for the new House season premiere (FUCKING LOVE HOUSE) he looks over at me and says...

Him: "Hey, since I'm driving you to work tomorrow, wanna get breakfast?"

Me: (Jesus fucking christ man, are u trying to kill me?) "Um....yeah that fine we can stop at Panera or something and grab a bagel on the way."

Him: "No I mean like go to a restaurant, ya know, like we used to when we first started dating?"

Me: (Fucking fuck shit.) "Yeah that's fine hun, I know you will be missing breakfast foods so I guess I can manage. (Complete words of bullshit.)

SOO.......yeah. We went to breakfast this morning. Another purge session followed. I haven't been able to weigh. If I am one ounce over 144 I will bust a cap in someone. I've worked harder than ever this past two weeks to finally get under 145. On the flip side of all of this, I imagine Eric having surgery will be extremely beneficial to my waist line, assuming I have no at  home binges alone. I plan on eating only what he can. Soup. Jello. Broth. etc. I do love my morning toast so  I won't be giving that up. This tonsil diet will really help out for the Halloween challenge I'm doing :)

Otherwise everything else is as "normal." Moods been pretty ok I suppose considering life in general. Tonight's plan is AA meeting and then a mini workout. Hopefully I can get my disaster of a room in order as well. Took a Bronkaid so I'm not eating shit all day at work after that breakfast mess this morning. I will allow some broccoli for dinner if need be.

Have a fab day ladies.

P.S. Just when I thought I had watched every ED movie alive I stumbled across "Kate's Secret" on youtube. Check it out if you feel inclined....... :)