Excuse me, Nurse Betty, You're Fat is Hanging out.........

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF ????

I have stayed the weekend at Eric's house taking care of him and despite some HEAVY cleaning and going up and down his flight of stairs like every ten minutes........I have done some serious damage to my weight. I could have used this weekend to loose some, but no. As usual I engorge my fat face on dumb food simply because I am in a good mood when I'm around him and "oh well it doesnt matter." FuckmeI'mserious. His scale keeps saying 145 but its an old step scale not a digital and well frankly I don't even trust the doctor's scale so it means nothing. And oh what - GREAT I maintained again.........I need to stop being so god damn happy about that. I need to fucking loose this weigth and get on with this Halloween challenge I joined. It's already Oct 9th and I STILL haven't lost one pound towards the 135 goal. So I have 22 days left counting today. I already ate two pieces of toast with chive n onion cream cheese. The toast about 140 and the cream cheese....who knows. I smeared it on like it was going out of style. FUCK. So as I am typing this I was thinking about just starting "fresh" tomorrow but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH with this "tomorrow" garbage. So okay fine. I need to deal with the toast and have a successful day for the remainder. You'd think with Eric's surgery I would be eating less but no. I am eating only when he does but eating what he does......which is basically carbs. Oatmeal, mashed potatoes, soups, ice cream and noodles of various assortments. Oh and pancakes. I think eggs is like the only have decent thing Ive eaten all weekend. I did make mashed salmon and broccoli yesterday in a positive attempt but it was still pretty hard for him to eat so I ended up eating basically all of it. Fucking yay.........
We already decided that lunch today is SURPRISE: noodles. With butter. Shit. He still has some frozen broccoli left so I think I will make that and maybe have just a half cup noodles with him. Yeah yeah I know I shouldn't eat any. I tried be prepared to eat this whole weekend while his house but when we went to Walmart to buy groceries Eric was in a lot of pain and I didn't have time to browse the aisles as I thought I would. I ended up with a can of Mushroom soup and a can of corn......

(I read just that last blurb about Walmart...EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES. SO WHAT if I couldn't roam Walmart. SO WHAT if Eric wants noodles. I don't have to eat that shit and I know it. SHAME ON ME. God damn when will I ever just get my god damn shit together?????

God my weight is driving me nuts. I know my scale at home would probably read in the 150's. I really fucking did it this time didn't I??

I just looked up my cal intake requirements to actually loose ten pounds this month. According to the sight I am supposed to consume 1782 cals a day. (Yeah right I never do...even this weekend). My output is supposed to be 1575 daily so basically I can only keep 207 calories in my body per day. With that said....I need to come up with a SERIOUS meal plan and def pick up a shit ton of green veggies when Eric and I go shopping later. I looove green veggies so that wont be too much of a challenge; the worst of it is just dealing with all the god damn shit food my mother constantly brings home for me. I wish she would just stop that shit.

I can so do this. Despite the negative feelings running through my head right now I know I will never make it if I don't have a little faith in myself. I will post my meal plan in a bit after I create it on an Excel spreadsheet.......I love making spreadsheets :)

<3