..........

Just a quick update.....I'm feeling really depressed today. I just wanna crawl under a rock and die.

Weekend went ok. Wedding was kinda fun......did freaking fantastic with my eating. Sunday was a complete nightmare of binging and purging at the family party. Gained three pounds on the scale this morning.

The wedding was ok. I guess at some point when Eric and I got back to the room I said some really mean stuff to him. I didn't even ask what I said. I imagine I went off on a rant about our shitty sex life. I don't really care anymore so that's why I didn't even ask him. I am curious but I don't feel like getting into a deep conversation about my feelings.

I really think it is time to end things with Eric. I am just not happy. I don't miss him when we are apart and when we are together I find myself more annoyed and turned off then anything else. Like I have said, our sex life is horrible. I just don't feel like putting in the effort any more. But I also know myself......and I know that although I feel this way I probably wont break up with him for at least some time longer. I just don't know what to do anymore. 

Too sad and blah to type anything more. I'll talk to you all tomorrow.

Friday Rambling Continues

I'm back. Yay.

I have taken one bronk. I have drank one cup of coffee w almond milk. I have not drank enough water. I also ate without thinking and had 1 wheat ritz cracker. I wasn't even hungry. FAIL.

Despite my lack of  fluids and bronkaid today "fasting" has been extremely easy. Thank god. I haven't even really had any hunger pains which I find very usual. Even on days when I pop several bronks and I'm high as I kite I still get them. Maybe it's a good Friday after all? I keep thinking about how I didn't go tanning yesterday. I have zero options for rides tonight again and with work piled on top of it I don't think walking to tan and get a haircut will fit into my agenda. Pissed. I have six months of work for a company to complete all by midnight tonight and if I have to walk to tan and such and walk back I wont be home till almost nine. Cutting it way too close with the deadline. UGHHHH. All I wanna do it freaking tan. My hair wont curl for the wedding without the haircut but I am not to disturbed by it cuz I hate weddings anyway and I don't even know these people. Screw the hair as long as I look thin and tan. But I guess I won't be having that either. Awesome. Not.

Been texting a girl friend while I'm posting this and my lack of a license got brought up. Now I'm all teary eyed and shit. So depressed. I guess I'm always depressed inside but sometimes the happiness shines through. Then I get reminded how much of a piece of shit my life is and Why Hello There Depression all over again. I don't even feel like blogging anymore.....just gunna stare at the wall until I have to clean the office.

I'll post later. I'm sure I'll need the chat when the hunger kicks in.

Lov ya's

Fuckin A

Shitty news to report......

So last night I walked home from the bus. I couldn't find a ride to the strip mall to tan and get a hair cut. Pissed. I was starving when I got home and all I could think about was a diet coke. I stopped bringing pop into the house so I walked a block up the road to this little shit hole liquor store and bought a two liter of Diet Dr. Pepper. I was talking to Eric on the way home and we got into a fight and of course the conversation ended with me screaming. Even more pissed. I walk in the door and start chugging my pop only to find out the shit was expired and tasted horrible. Anyone who has ever had expired soda knows what I mean. I go weigh: 1.6 down from the morning but it makes me mad. So I'm standing there raging pissed and of course what happens?? The FOOD light turns on in my head. There has been left over spaghetti in the fridge that I have been eyeing for two days so I grab that. I prepare it and just stand there in the kitchen staring. I think of my bunt cake in my sock drawer. I just stand there and start screaming profanities like a crazy person. ("Like a crazy person" - hah, I believe I am already banana) I start yelling at myself. I grabbed my two liter and the spaghetti and go to the bathroom and slam the door behind me. My poor dog looked so damn confused. I sat on the ledge of the bath tub and chewed and spit the spaghetti right into the toilet while chugging diet pop. I purged the diet pop and a bit of noodle that didn't make it into the toilet the first time. I weigh. Same weight. Phew. I didn't gain from the meal. I am more calm now and decide to go watch TV with my dog in the living room.

The rest of the evening went "ok." The binge monster in my head was making small comments here n there but I remained pretty strong. I put a container of brussel sprouts on the coffee table just in case I couldn't handle it. I went to bed at 9:45.....or tried to. My mind was racing about tons of stupid shit: my favorite TV show, the wedding Saturday, how I forgot to paint my nails, etc etc. I was still awake when my mom got home from work at midnight..........and she came home with baked potatoes and fresh bread. FUCKKKKKKKK. I stood there in the kitchen talking with her and hate a whole potato and a piece of bread. I made some sleepy time tea, chugged a glass of wine and went back to bed. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I PURGE THE POTATO N BREAD??? I don't even know what the hell I am thinking when I do shit like that! Low and behold I woke up this morning the SAME WEIGHT and when I got home. I should have at least lost a half a pound over night. God I am sooo flipping pissed of at myself right now!!!

Today I'm fasting at work. Bronks, water & coffee. I have to work from home tonight too after I get in from the office so I'm hoping that staying busy will help the food cravings, but I know it wont. Eric was originally supposed to come over but he has to work an over night now. As much as I want to be alone all the time, I almost prefer someone is there because if they are I will not eat or binge. My plan is to have my leftover brussel sprouts (90 cals) and a slice of Wham. (110 cals - Wham is a vegetarian ham) Honestly I don't want the Wham. The cal count is way too high for such a small portion but it has like 10g of protein. I dunno, I'll probably end up giving it to the pooch. I hate how I go buy all this healthy food and vegetarian stuff and then I just let it sit and rot in the fridge. Such a waste of money.

I'm getting paranoid about this weekend. I have a wedding Saturday and a Super Bowl/60th surprise birthday party for my uncle Sunday. Food Beer Food Wine Food Sitting on my FAT ASS Food Beer Beer Food Wine Food and more Beer. I just need to stay in control for once over the weekend and prove myself I can actually do it. I'm not too worried about the wedding. I wont eat all day and at the reception I can almost guarantee my boyfriend didn't tell his buddy I'm a vegetarian so I'm sure I'll get served some chicken or something. I am however wearing my sophomore homecoming dress.....ugh....I needed to loose an extra ten pounds just to wear it so I'm sure seeing my fat ass in a spandexy type of dress all night will reinforce my will power. And I plan on drinking mixed drinks instead of beer. Beer makes me fat, bloated and gives me the munchies. Hard booze makes me dehydrated and not want to eat. Problem solved there, I just have to make sure I don't get shit faced.....egghh...The family party Sunday is at my Italian side so eyyy I am worried. I almost hope that stupid bitch cunt that made that comment to me last week is there so I can sit there and not eat one god damn thing all night. I plan on taking two bronks before I go. I have been thinking about a "subtle" comment I could make to her if she ever comes around again. Something along the lines of what she said to me. Rude, but not rude enough to cause a stir in front of the family. Any suggestions? I kinda wanna say the same thing back to her but I know that's dumb because she has seem me eat like a cow so it holds no truth. Shit. I am seriously looking for suggestions ladies!!

I have a lot to say today....sorry, lol.

I am pretty excited because one of my AMAZING gf's Cristy has started working out the past few weeks at home. Her work is right by my house and we decided that on Wednesdays when she closes the bank she is going to come over and we are going to work out. Our local gym is running a special right now: 10 bucks a month, no contract and every time you go you can bring a guest for free!! I told her I would be more than happy to pay for it and she can be my guest. I have Eric and my mom and my other gf Jaclyn that will go sometimes with me so I will def get my monies worth. God it will be so amazing again to circuit machines!! I freaking love them!! We have 4 months to get into bikini shape. Last summer I wore a swim dress all season. I got a lot of shit from my friends about it, granny suit, etc. Exhibit A:

That is one of my besties Christine. Naturally thin. Eats like a cow and gets upset because she can't gain weight. Girl has no idea how lucky she is. I would give up both nipples to look like her. :(

Here's a better body pic of her.....jealous right? UUUGGGHHHHHH I am not looking forward to summer!!

Well I have some actual work to do....blah....I be back later for more rambling.

P.S. Thanks for the comments ladies on the last post. It's always nice to know someone is reading and kinda gives a shit. LOVE YOU ALL SOOO MUCH!

<3

Hair Loss, Weak Nails and I'm FUCKING HUNGRY

My nails are absolutely horrid. So cracked and disgusting. Despite me filing and painting and moisturizing they look like complete shit. You'd think now that I'm taking mass amounts of vitamins it would help. Nope. Thanks Bulimia.

My hair is falling out BAD. It has been falling out for years and very noticeably but this morning I almost flipped a lid when I saw how much kept falling out. It's so annoying. My hair is so long and it's stuck to everything I wear, every where I sit. Shit - my own boyfriend tells me he constantly find my hair in his bed and all over his truck. I am guessing I'll be bald by 40. I am already getting a bald spot on the crown of my head. Should I start using Rogaine now? Any suggestions ladies? (Eating healthy is obviously not one....)

I could eat the shit outta this whole pizza right now

I am SO FUCKING HUNGRY. Last night was a pretty good success minus doing the sit ups...yet again. (Shakes head) I managed to eat dinner (12 brussel sprouts) and catch a buzz on some cheap wine and still stay within my 500 calorie limit. Eric ate sushi for dinner. GOD DAMN it was so hard to turn down a piece. But I also have stopped eating fish so that helped out a ton in turning it down. I woke up with a lower weight which is good BUT whenever I drink the next day I wanna eat eat eat like food is going outta style. I am sitting here with the worst hunger pains ever and I am slightly hung over. I have half a cucumber in the fridge and a Campbell's tomato soup in the cup board. Plain cucumber sounds nasty right now; I have ranch dressing but am not even going there bc of the cals. I feel the same way about the soup. Too high in calories. I worry about what will happen tonight. I will be alone in my house, with booze and about 400 dollars worth of groceries my mother and I purchased last weekend. There are tons of healthy options but there are also tons of non-healthy options. (thanks mom) I can just see myself now, getting trashed on the left over wine and eating my usual binge foods : 3 cheese and lettuce sandwiches, 3 bowls of cereal, half a bag of tortilla chips with melted cheese and salsa and spaghetti with vegan meatballs. God damn that sounds so good right now.

***just got a text from one of my favorite Mexican restaurants and they are giving me a free entree - Go fuck yourself Pepe's!!****

Back to what I was saying.....so yeah I'm freaking scared of what may happen tonight. I took some horrible fat pictures of myself last night so I am hoping if I just continually stare at them I will make it through. I do need to tan and get a haircut tonight so I am hoping I can get a ride to the strip mall and that will buy me an extra hour and a half outta the house. Plus I'll have to walk home so I'll get an extra mile of walking in.

I have a secret......I wasn't even gunna tell you guys but I need to stay honest or I'll just keep lying and walk myself right into a huge binge. I came home yesterday and there was 1/4 of a blueberry bunt cake my mom had left on the counter for Eric and I. I didn't eat any of it and told Eric he was taking the whole thing home. He leaves yesterday and I walk into the kitchen to lock the door behind him. I turn around and BAM - fucking bunt cake still on the counter. He forgot it. I was filled with anxiety and "happy" all at the same time. I wanted to eat the cake so bad. I unwrapped and re-wrapped the saran around it probably five times. I smelled it. I paced back and forth in front of it just STARING. I should have throw it right into the toilet but I didn't. I took the cake into my room and set it on my dresser. Dumb move, I know. It sat on my dresser all night as I played "half drunken dress up" with myself. I went to bed and fell asleep staring at it. I woke up this morning and it was the first thing I saw. I unwrapped it again. I took about a 1x1 inch chunk off the corner and ate it. It was fucking delish. I have no idea how many calories that it and it freaks me out. I re-wrapped it and hid it in the deep bottom of my sock drawer, covered up. I worry about what will happen between me and that cake when I get home tonight. Fuck.

Next topic that is annoying the shit outta me......Eric's diet. I might as well first say that what I am about to bitch about is completely hypocritical of me considering I am a bulimic. But it still pisses me off so here I go: For the past two weeks all Eric has done was complain and talk about how he is unhappy with how he looks and how he has been eating. Yet EVERY DAY he continues to engorge himself on fast food, sugar loaded Starbucks and sweets. Every time I get into his car there are empty bags of fast food on the floor and seat and empty bottles of regular soda. It fucking disgusts me. He has gained 20 pounds since we started dating. I know I am not thin but at least I have done enough work the 6 months we have been together to where  haven't gained a pound. I make healthy choices when we cook or go out to eat. All he eats is shit. He has a belly of an old man. Like those pot belly's - the ones that look 8 months pregnant. I feel horrible for saying these things about him because I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would still find me attractive, or at least I would imagine he would by how he acts. I also feel horrible because I know these things happen in relationships and I should be looking past it. (I mean come on - I gained thirty pounds in my last relationship so I know allll about it.) I mean, I am looking past it to an extent; it's not like I am breaking up with him over it. I am just so unattracted by how he takes care of himself. (Jesus - like I take care of myself??? Face Palm) The whole reason I even started this rant was because about ten minutes ago he told me how his DIABETIC friend at work just bought them two chocolate milk chugs, a bag of brownie bites, a bag of powdered donuts and fucking Cinnabon for a work "snack." I can only imagine what shit food he ate for his actual lunch. Please god tell me someone else reading this understands where I'm coming from despite the hypocrisy of it?????

Fucking shit I'm starving.

Stay strong and send me some strength.

<3

I will never be thin enough........

To wear a black mini dress.......

To wear a half shirt.......

To wear short shorts......



To wear a sports bra without a shirt.....



To wear skinny jeans......gotta be skinny right?

I will just never be thin, pretty, smart, talented, worthy......of anything. Never. 



Successful evening :)

Hey Ladies!

To Kitty and Peridot - Yes, apparently some people do not have filters. If I was any where else besides my family party I would have tore into her like a BEAST. However, my dad's side of the family is wonderful and semi reserved about things like that. I guess we would call it "appropriate behavior." PHHHSSSSSHHH as I say. If it was my mom's side (totally irrational and fight constantly) I would have opened my mouth. My cousin Kirsten as always been a tooth pick. Survived on chips, hot dogs and mac n cheese the first 12 years of her life and looked like she still needed to eat more. Just one of those lucky skinny girls. No matter what she eats or how many kids she pops out she will always look like a Victoria secret model. I wish.......!

She doesn't post a lot of photos of herself on Facebook, but this is the only one I could find with a body shot. Preggo with kid #3. Gorgeous and STILL thin. All baby. WHHHYYYY can't that be me?? Sans baby.....

Anyways.....lat night was a success. Happy to report it. Had a total of 462 calories all day. I did not do the sit ups tho. Shit. I remembered this morning that I forgot to do them so I have already done 55 at the office. Yes - at the office. lol. I get in before everyone else so what's the big deal of doing some crunches on the side of the filing cabinets, right?? LOL. I decided today I will do 200 to make up for yesterday. I will tan. I will also stay under 500 cals. :)

So far today I am feeling "ok." I am sad, per usual. I am also happy, semi per ususal. I feel fat, per usual. etc etc. This morning I woke up and was hungry. I could have probably fought off the hunger pains but I decided to eat something. I stupidly ate 1 slice of provolone cheese. 80 cals. UGH. Didn't even fill me up. I could have eaten 11 brussel sprouts, been way more full and still at the same calorie count. Not to make excuses, which I guess I am, but I was at my sisters so options were low. I actually snuck the piece of cheese while she was in the shower. I know I did not have to sneak this. I could have simply asked for a slice of cheese. No biggie. I think sometimes even when I don't have to hide or sneak food I still find myself doing it. I think part of it is habit and part of it is the fact that I never want anyone to REALLY know what I consume everyday. I can't remember the last time someone ACTUALLY saw every tid bit of what I ate in one day. There is always a secret cracker, a snuck piece of bread or a few stolen chips. (Notice all carbs - blah) Add the purging on top of that. It's always crossing my mind: "You think you know what's inside this vessel, but you have no fucking clue." Part of that makes me happy, I love that no one knows. But part of that makes me sad too. 99 percent of the reason why people don't know is because I am ashamed. I wish I could just eat normally, be thin and be happy. But then at the very same moment I love my disorder. It is mine. My "secret." All mine. No one can change it. And I don't think I really want to either. Who would I be then? Who the hell am I now? I more often then not have no fucking clue.

Today's plan is pretty simple. I am pissed about that cheese. I have to see Eric tonight....meh. So that means I'll have to eat something. Therefore, I am fasting today at work. Coffee and bronkaid. That will put me at about 130 calories with that cheese and the almond milk for my cups of coffee. For dinner I am eating some sort of vegetable. Steamed. No salt. Maybe a spray of zero calorie butter. I have 370 cals to work with so I am comfortable that I can succeed. After Eric leaves I need to do my 150 sit ups. If I'm feeling up to it maybe some strength. My flabby arms are ready to lift this fat ass up and fly away. Need to work on that.

Well I love ya ladies and I am almost positive I will be posting more later. Work went from full force to nothing so I have the time. YAY!

Hugs and Loves To All You Gorgeous Bitches.

Let's DO THIS.

<3