Shitty news to report......
So last night I walked home from the bus. I couldn't find a ride to the strip mall to tan and get a hair cut. Pissed. I was starving when I got home and all I could think about was a diet coke. I stopped bringing pop into the house so I walked a block up the road to this little shit hole liquor store and bought a two liter of Diet Dr. Pepper. I was talking to Eric on the way home and we got into a fight and of course the conversation ended with me screaming. Even more pissed. I walk in the door and start chugging my pop only to find out the shit was expired and tasted horrible. Anyone who has ever had expired soda knows what I mean. I go weigh: 1.6 down from the morning but it makes me mad. So I'm standing there raging pissed and of course what happens?? The FOOD light turns on in my head. There has been left over spaghetti in the fridge that I have been eyeing for two days so I grab that. I prepare it and just stand there in the kitchen staring. I think of my bunt cake in my sock drawer. I just stand there and start screaming profanities like a crazy person. ("Like a crazy person" - hah, I believe I am already banana) I start yelling at myself. I grabbed my two liter and the spaghetti and go to the bathroom and slam the door behind me. My poor dog looked so damn confused. I sat on the ledge of the bath tub and chewed and spit the spaghetti right into the toilet while chugging diet pop. I purged the diet pop and a bit of noodle that didn't make it into the toilet the first time. I weigh. Same weight. Phew. I didn't gain from the meal. I am more calm now and decide to go watch TV with my dog in the living room.
The rest of the evening went "ok." The binge monster in my head was making small comments here n there but I remained pretty strong. I put a container of brussel sprouts on the coffee table just in case I couldn't handle it. I went to bed at 9:45.....or tried to. My mind was racing about tons of stupid shit: my favorite TV show, the wedding Saturday, how I forgot to paint my nails, etc etc. I was still awake when my mom got home from work at midnight..........and she came home with baked potatoes and fresh bread. FUCKKKKKKKK. I stood there in the kitchen talking with her and hate a whole potato and a piece of bread. I made some sleepy time tea, chugged a glass of wine and went back to bed. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I PURGE THE POTATO N BREAD??? I don't even know what the hell I am thinking when I do shit like that! Low and behold I woke up this morning the SAME WEIGHT and when I got home. I should have at least lost a half a pound over night. God I am sooo flipping pissed of at myself right now!!!
Today I'm fasting at work. Bronks, water & coffee. I have to work from home tonight too after I get in from the office so I'm hoping that staying busy will help the food cravings, but I know it wont. Eric was originally supposed to come over but he has to work an over night now. As much as I want to be alone all the time, I almost prefer someone is there because if they are I will not eat or binge. My plan is to have my leftover brussel sprouts (90 cals) and a slice of Wham. (110 cals - Wham is a vegetarian ham) Honestly I don't want the Wham. The cal count is way too high for such a small portion but it has like 10g of protein. I dunno, I'll probably end up giving it to the pooch. I hate how I go buy all this healthy food and vegetarian stuff and then I just let it sit and rot in the fridge. Such a waste of money.
I'm getting paranoid about this weekend. I have a wedding Saturday and a Super Bowl/60th surprise birthday party for my uncle Sunday. Food Beer Food Wine Food Sitting on my FAT ASS Food Beer Beer Food Wine Food and more Beer. I just need to stay in control for once over the weekend and prove myself I can actually do it. I'm not too worried about the wedding. I wont eat all day and at the reception I can almost guarantee my boyfriend didn't tell his buddy I'm a vegetarian so I'm sure I'll get served some chicken or something. I am however wearing my sophomore homecoming dress.....ugh....I needed to loose an extra ten pounds just to wear it so I'm sure seeing my fat ass in a spandexy type of dress all night will reinforce my will power. And I plan on drinking mixed drinks instead of beer. Beer makes me fat, bloated and gives me the munchies. Hard booze makes me dehydrated and not want to eat. Problem solved there, I just have to make sure I don't get shit faced.....egghh...The family party Sunday is at my Italian side so eyyy I am worried. I almost hope that stupid bitch cunt that made that comment to me last week is there so I can sit there and not eat one god damn thing all night. I plan on taking two bronks before I go. I have been thinking about a "subtle" comment I could make to her if she ever comes around again. Something along the lines of what she said to me. Rude, but not rude enough to cause a stir in front of the family. Any suggestions? I kinda wanna say the same thing back to her but I know that's dumb because she has seem me eat like a cow so it holds no truth. Shit. I am seriously looking for suggestions ladies!!
I have a lot to say today....sorry, lol.
I am pretty excited because one of my AMAZING gf's Cristy has started working out the past few weeks at home. Her work is right by my house and we decided that on Wednesdays when she closes the bank she is going to come over and we are going to work out. Our local gym is running a special right now: 10 bucks a month, no contract and every time you go you can bring a guest for free!! I told her I would be more than happy to pay for it and she can be my guest. I have Eric and my mom and my other gf Jaclyn that will go sometimes with me so I will def get my monies worth. God it will be so amazing again to circuit machines!! I freaking love them!! We have 4 months to get into bikini shape. Last summer I wore a swim dress all season. I got a lot of shit from my friends about it, granny suit, etc. Exhibit A:
That is one of my besties Christine. Naturally thin. Eats like a cow and gets upset because she can't gain weight. Girl has no idea how lucky she is. I would give up both nipples to look like her. :(
Here's a better body pic of her.....jealous right? UUUGGGHHHHHH I am not looking forward to summer!!
Well I have some actual work to do....blah....I be back later for more rambling.
P.S. Thanks for the comments ladies on the last post. It's always nice to know someone is reading and kinda gives a shit. LOVE YOU ALL SOOO MUCH!
<3
So last night I walked home from the bus. I couldn't find a ride to the strip mall to tan and get a hair cut. Pissed. I was starving when I got home and all I could think about was a diet coke. I stopped bringing pop into the house so I walked a block up the road to this little shit hole liquor store and bought a two liter of Diet Dr. Pepper. I was talking to Eric on the way home and we got into a fight and of course the conversation ended with me screaming. Even more pissed. I walk in the door and start chugging my pop only to find out the shit was expired and tasted horrible. Anyone who has ever had expired soda knows what I mean. I go weigh: 1.6 down from the morning but it makes me mad. So I'm standing there raging pissed and of course what happens?? The FOOD light turns on in my head. There has been left over spaghetti in the fridge that I have been eyeing for two days so I grab that. I prepare it and just stand there in the kitchen staring. I think of my bunt cake in my sock drawer. I just stand there and start screaming profanities like a crazy person. ("Like a crazy person" - hah, I believe I am already banana) I start yelling at myself. I grabbed my two liter and the spaghetti and go to the bathroom and slam the door behind me. My poor dog looked so damn confused. I sat on the ledge of the bath tub and chewed and spit the spaghetti right into the toilet while chugging diet pop. I purged the diet pop and a bit of noodle that didn't make it into the toilet the first time. I weigh. Same weight. Phew. I didn't gain from the meal. I am more calm now and decide to go watch TV with my dog in the living room.
The rest of the evening went "ok." The binge monster in my head was making small comments here n there but I remained pretty strong. I put a container of brussel sprouts on the coffee table just in case I couldn't handle it. I went to bed at 9:45.....or tried to. My mind was racing about tons of stupid shit: my favorite TV show, the wedding Saturday, how I forgot to paint my nails, etc etc. I was still awake when my mom got home from work at midnight..........and she came home with baked potatoes and fresh bread. FUCKKKKKKKK. I stood there in the kitchen talking with her and hate a whole potato and a piece of bread. I made some sleepy time tea, chugged a glass of wine and went back to bed. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I PURGE THE POTATO N BREAD??? I don't even know what the hell I am thinking when I do shit like that! Low and behold I woke up this morning the SAME WEIGHT and when I got home. I should have at least lost a half a pound over night. God I am sooo flipping pissed of at myself right now!!!
Today I'm fasting at work. Bronks, water & coffee. I have to work from home tonight too after I get in from the office so I'm hoping that staying busy will help the food cravings, but I know it wont. Eric was originally supposed to come over but he has to work an over night now. As much as I want to be alone all the time, I almost prefer someone is there because if they are I will not eat or binge. My plan is to have my leftover brussel sprouts (90 cals) and a slice of Wham. (110 cals - Wham is a vegetarian ham) Honestly I don't want the Wham. The cal count is way too high for such a small portion but it has like 10g of protein. I dunno, I'll probably end up giving it to the pooch. I hate how I go buy all this healthy food and vegetarian stuff and then I just let it sit and rot in the fridge. Such a waste of money.
I'm getting paranoid about this weekend. I have a wedding Saturday and a Super Bowl/60th surprise birthday party for my uncle Sunday. Food Beer Food Wine Food Sitting on my FAT ASS Food Beer Beer Food Wine Food and more Beer. I just need to stay in control for once over the weekend and prove myself I can actually do it. I'm not too worried about the wedding. I wont eat all day and at the reception I can almost guarantee my boyfriend didn't tell his buddy I'm a vegetarian so I'm sure I'll get served some chicken or something. I am however wearing my sophomore homecoming dress.....ugh....I needed to loose an extra ten pounds just to wear it so I'm sure seeing my fat ass in a spandexy type of dress all night will reinforce my will power. And I plan on drinking mixed drinks instead of beer. Beer makes me fat, bloated and gives me the munchies. Hard booze makes me dehydrated and not want to eat. Problem solved there, I just have to make sure I don't get shit faced.....egghh...The family party Sunday is at my Italian side so eyyy I am worried. I almost hope that stupid bitch cunt that made that comment to me last week is there so I can sit there and not eat one god damn thing all night. I plan on taking two bronks before I go. I have been thinking about a "subtle" comment I could make to her if she ever comes around again. Something along the lines of what she said to me. Rude, but not rude enough to cause a stir in front of the family. Any suggestions? I kinda wanna say the same thing back to her but I know that's dumb because she has seem me eat like a cow so it holds no truth. Shit. I am seriously looking for suggestions ladies!!
I have a lot to say today....sorry, lol.
I am pretty excited because one of my AMAZING gf's Cristy has started working out the past few weeks at home. Her work is right by my house and we decided that on Wednesdays when she closes the bank she is going to come over and we are going to work out. Our local gym is running a special right now: 10 bucks a month, no contract and every time you go you can bring a guest for free!! I told her I would be more than happy to pay for it and she can be my guest. I have Eric and my mom and my other gf Jaclyn that will go sometimes with me so I will def get my monies worth. God it will be so amazing again to circuit machines!! I freaking love them!! We have 4 months to get into bikini shape. Last summer I wore a swim dress all season. I got a lot of shit from my friends about it, granny suit, etc. Exhibit A:
Well I have some actual work to do....blah....I be back later for more rambling.
P.S. Thanks for the comments ladies on the last post. It's always nice to know someone is reading and kinda gives a shit. LOVE YOU ALL SOOO MUCH!
<3
2 comments:
oh honey :(
Try to focus your energi having some fun - and dont let this weekend stress you out.
<3
You sound just like me! Are you bipolar too? I hate my anger moments...food seems teh only answer at the time, just so you can get more angry at yourself! It's horrible...then the cutting starts >< Try not to let the weekend stress you :( Just think positive thoughts, like you will have control, you wont let food ruin it for you :) Your the one in control, not the food! xx
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