My nails are absolutely horrid. So cracked and disgusting. Despite me filing and painting and moisturizing they look like complete shit. You'd think now that I'm taking mass amounts of vitamins it would help. Nope. Thanks Bulimia.
My hair is falling out BAD. It has been falling out for years and very noticeably but this morning I almost flipped a lid when I saw how much kept falling out. It's so annoying. My hair is so long and it's stuck to everything I wear, every where I sit. Shit - my own boyfriend tells me he constantly find my hair in his bed and all over his truck. I am guessing I'll be bald by 40. I am already getting a bald spot on the crown of my head. Should I start using Rogaine now? Any suggestions ladies? (Eating healthy is obviously not one....)
I am SO FUCKING HUNGRY. Last night was a pretty good success minus doing the sit ups...yet again. (Shakes head) I managed to eat dinner (12 brussel sprouts) and catch a buzz on some cheap wine and still stay within my 500 calorie limit. Eric ate sushi for dinner. GOD DAMN it was so hard to turn down a piece. But I also have stopped eating fish so that helped out a ton in turning it down. I woke up with a lower weight which is good BUT whenever I drink the next day I wanna eat eat eat like food is going outta style. I am sitting here with the worst hunger pains ever and I am slightly hung over. I have half a cucumber in the fridge and a Campbell's tomato soup in the cup board. Plain cucumber sounds nasty right now; I have ranch dressing but am not even going there bc of the cals. I feel the same way about the soup. Too high in calories. I worry about what will happen tonight. I will be alone in my house, with booze and about 400 dollars worth of groceries my mother and I purchased last weekend. There are tons of healthy options but there are also tons of non-healthy options. (thanks mom) I can just see myself now, getting trashed on the left over wine and eating my usual binge foods : 3 cheese and lettuce sandwiches, 3 bowls of cereal, half a bag of tortilla chips with melted cheese and salsa and spaghetti with vegan meatballs. God damn that sounds so good right now.
***just got a text from one of my favorite Mexican restaurants and they are giving me a free entree - Go fuck yourself Pepe's!!****
Back to what I was saying.....so yeah I'm freaking scared of what may happen tonight. I took some horrible fat pictures of myself last night so I am hoping if I just continually stare at them I will make it through. I do need to tan and get a haircut tonight so I am hoping I can get a ride to the strip mall and that will buy me an extra hour and a half outta the house. Plus I'll have to walk home so I'll get an extra mile of walking in.
I have a secret......I wasn't even gunna tell you guys but I need to stay honest or I'll just keep lying and walk myself right into a huge binge. I came home yesterday and there was 1/4 of a blueberry bunt cake my mom had left on the counter for Eric and I. I didn't eat any of it and told Eric he was taking the whole thing home. He leaves yesterday and I walk into the kitchen to lock the door behind him. I turn around and BAM - fucking bunt cake still on the counter. He forgot it. I was filled with anxiety and "happy" all at the same time. I wanted to eat the cake so bad. I unwrapped and re-wrapped the saran around it probably five times. I smelled it. I paced back and forth in front of it just STARING. I should have throw it right into the toilet but I didn't. I took the cake into my room and set it on my dresser. Dumb move, I know. It sat on my dresser all night as I played "half drunken dress up" with myself. I went to bed and fell asleep staring at it. I woke up this morning and it was the first thing I saw. I unwrapped it again. I took about a 1x1 inch chunk off the corner and ate it. It was fucking delish. I have no idea how many calories that it and it freaks me out. I re-wrapped it and hid it in the deep bottom of my sock drawer, covered up. I worry about what will happen between me and that cake when I get home tonight. Fuck.
Next topic that is annoying the shit outta me......Eric's diet. I might as well first say that what I am about to bitch about is completely hypocritical of me considering I am a bulimic. But it still pisses me off so here I go: For the past two weeks all Eric has done was complain and talk about how he is unhappy with how he looks and how he has been eating. Yet EVERY DAY he continues to engorge himself on fast food, sugar loaded Starbucks and sweets. Every time I get into his car there are empty bags of fast food on the floor and seat and empty bottles of regular soda. It fucking disgusts me. He has gained 20 pounds since we started dating. I know I am not thin but at least I have done enough work the 6 months we have been together to where haven't gained a pound. I make healthy choices when we cook or go out to eat. All he eats is shit. He has a belly of an old man. Like those pot belly's - the ones that look 8 months pregnant. I feel horrible for saying these things about him because I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would still find me attractive, or at least I would imagine he would by how he acts. I also feel horrible because I know these things happen in relationships and I should be looking past it. (I mean come on - I gained thirty pounds in my last relationship so I know allll about it.) I mean, I am looking past it to an extent; it's not like I am breaking up with him over it. I am just so unattracted by how he takes care of himself. (Jesus - like I take care of myself??? Face Palm) The whole reason I even started this rant was because about ten minutes ago he told me how his DIABETIC friend at work just bought them two chocolate milk chugs, a bag of brownie bites, a bag of powdered donuts and fucking Cinnabon for a work "snack." I can only imagine what shit food he ate for his actual lunch. Please god tell me someone else reading this understands where I'm coming from despite the hypocrisy of it?????
Fucking shit I'm starving.
Stay strong and send me some strength.
<3
My hair is falling out BAD. It has been falling out for years and very noticeably but this morning I almost flipped a lid when I saw how much kept falling out. It's so annoying. My hair is so long and it's stuck to everything I wear, every where I sit. Shit - my own boyfriend tells me he constantly find my hair in his bed and all over his truck. I am guessing I'll be bald by 40. I am already getting a bald spot on the crown of my head. Should I start using Rogaine now? Any suggestions ladies? (Eating healthy is obviously not one....)
 |
| I could eat the shit outta this whole pizza right now |
***just got a text from one of my favorite Mexican restaurants and they are giving me a free entree - Go fuck yourself Pepe's!!****
Back to what I was saying.....so yeah I'm freaking scared of what may happen tonight. I took some horrible fat pictures of myself last night so I am hoping if I just continually stare at them I will make it through. I do need to tan and get a haircut tonight so I am hoping I can get a ride to the strip mall and that will buy me an extra hour and a half outta the house. Plus I'll have to walk home so I'll get an extra mile of walking in.
I have a secret......I wasn't even gunna tell you guys but I need to stay honest or I'll just keep lying and walk myself right into a huge binge. I came home yesterday and there was 1/4 of a blueberry bunt cake my mom had left on the counter for Eric and I. I didn't eat any of it and told Eric he was taking the whole thing home. He leaves yesterday and I walk into the kitchen to lock the door behind him. I turn around and BAM - fucking bunt cake still on the counter. He forgot it. I was filled with anxiety and "happy" all at the same time. I wanted to eat the cake so bad. I unwrapped and re-wrapped the saran around it probably five times. I smelled it. I paced back and forth in front of it just STARING. I should have throw it right into the toilet but I didn't. I took the cake into my room and set it on my dresser. Dumb move, I know. It sat on my dresser all night as I played "half drunken dress up" with myself. I went to bed and fell asleep staring at it. I woke up this morning and it was the first thing I saw. I unwrapped it again. I took about a 1x1 inch chunk off the corner and ate it. It was fucking delish. I have no idea how many calories that it and it freaks me out. I re-wrapped it and hid it in the deep bottom of my sock drawer, covered up. I worry about what will happen between me and that cake when I get home tonight. Fuck.
Next topic that is annoying the shit outta me......Eric's diet. I might as well first say that what I am about to bitch about is completely hypocritical of me considering I am a bulimic. But it still pisses me off so here I go: For the past two weeks all Eric has done was complain and talk about how he is unhappy with how he looks and how he has been eating. Yet EVERY DAY he continues to engorge himself on fast food, sugar loaded Starbucks and sweets. Every time I get into his car there are empty bags of fast food on the floor and seat and empty bottles of regular soda. It fucking disgusts me. He has gained 20 pounds since we started dating. I know I am not thin but at least I have done enough work the 6 months we have been together to where haven't gained a pound. I make healthy choices when we cook or go out to eat. All he eats is shit. He has a belly of an old man. Like those pot belly's - the ones that look 8 months pregnant. I feel horrible for saying these things about him because I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would still find me attractive, or at least I would imagine he would by how he acts. I also feel horrible because I know these things happen in relationships and I should be looking past it. (I mean come on - I gained thirty pounds in my last relationship so I know allll about it.) I mean, I am looking past it to an extent; it's not like I am breaking up with him over it. I am just so unattracted by how he takes care of himself. (Jesus - like I take care of myself??? Face Palm) The whole reason I even started this rant was because about ten minutes ago he told me how his DIABETIC friend at work just bought them two chocolate milk chugs, a bag of brownie bites, a bag of powdered donuts and fucking Cinnabon for a work "snack." I can only imagine what shit food he ate for his actual lunch. Please god tell me someone else reading this understands where I'm coming from despite the hypocrisy of it?????
Fucking shit I'm starving.
Stay strong and send me some strength.
<3
2 comments:
When my hair was falling out from stress&dye attack I had a protein shake a day and a supplement that were supposed to be good for your hair/nails/skin etc. Dunno if they helped much, but hair is protein and you need protein to build protein etc.
Treats are good in moderation :) I tend to go overboard on them though. I think it takes more strength to sit down and have ONE SINGLE SERVING of something nice than I possess. Gah, I'm tired and rambling sorry!
I may be kidding myself, but I think my arms are looking better and I'm seeing quad muscles in my legs again. My hammys are also peeping out from the back of my thighs again. EEEEEEEEEE!!! Now I need the rest of this lard to go away, STAT. Just the lard, I wan to keep my muscles. I can't believe I let myself get into this state! Denial is a huge river -.-
Best of luck and lots of love to you <3
I am on the flip side of this right now. When I first started dating my husband he was lifting weights and 220lbs of muscle. Fastforward to now and he is about 155 and lean. He stopped lifting when his lifting buddy died and he hurt his neck, and just started melting. Now he is wearing size 28 or 30 waist pants. It is a pain in the ass when ever we eat together because he can still eat like crap half the time and be thin.
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