Hey Ladies!
To Kitty and Peridot - Yes, apparently some people do not have filters. If I was any where else besides my family party I would have tore into her like a BEAST. However, my dad's side of the family is wonderful and semi reserved about things like that. I guess we would call it "appropriate behavior." PHHHSSSSSHHH as I say. If it was my mom's side (totally irrational and fight constantly) I would have opened my mouth. My cousin Kirsten as always been a tooth pick. Survived on chips, hot dogs and mac n cheese the first 12 years of her life and looked like she still needed to eat more. Just one of those lucky skinny girls. No matter what she eats or how many kids she pops out she will always look like a Victoria secret model. I wish.......!
She doesn't post a lot of photos of herself on Facebook, but this is the only one I could find with a body shot. Preggo with kid #3. Gorgeous and STILL thin. All baby. WHHHYYYY can't that be me?? Sans baby.....
Anyways.....lat night was a success. Happy to report it. Had a total of 462 calories all day. I did not do the sit ups tho. Shit. I remembered this morning that I forgot to do them so I have already done 55 at the office. Yes - at the office. lol. I get in before everyone else so what's the big deal of doing some crunches on the side of the filing cabinets, right?? LOL. I decided today I will do 200 to make up for yesterday. I will tan. I will also stay under 500 cals. :)
So far today I am feeling "ok." I am sad, per usual. I am also happy, semi per ususal. I feel fat, per usual. etc etc. This morning I woke up and was hungry. I could have probably fought off the hunger pains but I decided to eat something. I stupidly ate 1 slice of provolone cheese. 80 cals. UGH. Didn't even fill me up. I could have eaten 11 brussel sprouts, been way more full and still at the same calorie count. Not to make excuses, which I guess I am, but I was at my sisters so options were low. I actually snuck the piece of cheese while she was in the shower. I know I did not have to sneak this. I could have simply asked for a slice of cheese. No biggie. I think sometimes even when I don't have to hide or sneak food I still find myself doing it. I think part of it is habit and part of it is the fact that I never want anyone to REALLY know what I consume everyday. I can't remember the last time someone ACTUALLY saw every tid bit of what I ate in one day. There is always a secret cracker, a snuck piece of bread or a few stolen chips. (Notice all carbs - blah) Add the purging on top of that. It's always crossing my mind: "You think you know what's inside this vessel, but you have no fucking clue." Part of that makes me happy, I love that no one knows. But part of that makes me sad too. 99 percent of the reason why people don't know is because I am ashamed. I wish I could just eat normally, be thin and be happy. But then at the very same moment I love my disorder. It is mine. My "secret." All mine. No one can change it. And I don't think I really want to either. Who would I be then? Who the hell am I now? I more often then not have no fucking clue.
Today's plan is pretty simple. I am pissed about that cheese. I have to see Eric tonight....meh. So that means I'll have to eat something. Therefore, I am fasting today at work. Coffee and bronkaid. That will put me at about 130 calories with that cheese and the almond milk for my cups of coffee. For dinner I am eating some sort of vegetable. Steamed. No salt. Maybe a spray of zero calorie butter. I have 370 cals to work with so I am comfortable that I can succeed. After Eric leaves I need to do my 150 sit ups. If I'm feeling up to it maybe some strength. My flabby arms are ready to lift this fat ass up and fly away. Need to work on that.
Well I love ya ladies and I am almost positive I will be posting more later. Work went from full force to nothing so I have the time. YAY!
Hugs and Loves To All You Gorgeous Bitches.
Let's DO THIS.
<3
To Kitty and Peridot - Yes, apparently some people do not have filters. If I was any where else besides my family party I would have tore into her like a BEAST. However, my dad's side of the family is wonderful and semi reserved about things like that. I guess we would call it "appropriate behavior." PHHHSSSSSHHH as I say. If it was my mom's side (totally irrational and fight constantly) I would have opened my mouth. My cousin Kirsten as always been a tooth pick. Survived on chips, hot dogs and mac n cheese the first 12 years of her life and looked like she still needed to eat more. Just one of those lucky skinny girls. No matter what she eats or how many kids she pops out she will always look like a Victoria secret model. I wish.......!
Anyways.....lat night was a success. Happy to report it. Had a total of 462 calories all day. I did not do the sit ups tho. Shit. I remembered this morning that I forgot to do them so I have already done 55 at the office. Yes - at the office. lol. I get in before everyone else so what's the big deal of doing some crunches on the side of the filing cabinets, right?? LOL. I decided today I will do 200 to make up for yesterday. I will tan. I will also stay under 500 cals. :)
So far today I am feeling "ok." I am sad, per usual. I am also happy, semi per ususal. I feel fat, per usual. etc etc. This morning I woke up and was hungry. I could have probably fought off the hunger pains but I decided to eat something. I stupidly ate 1 slice of provolone cheese. 80 cals. UGH. Didn't even fill me up. I could have eaten 11 brussel sprouts, been way more full and still at the same calorie count. Not to make excuses, which I guess I am, but I was at my sisters so options were low. I actually snuck the piece of cheese while she was in the shower. I know I did not have to sneak this. I could have simply asked for a slice of cheese. No biggie. I think sometimes even when I don't have to hide or sneak food I still find myself doing it. I think part of it is habit and part of it is the fact that I never want anyone to REALLY know what I consume everyday. I can't remember the last time someone ACTUALLY saw every tid bit of what I ate in one day. There is always a secret cracker, a snuck piece of bread or a few stolen chips. (Notice all carbs - blah) Add the purging on top of that. It's always crossing my mind: "You think you know what's inside this vessel, but you have no fucking clue." Part of that makes me happy, I love that no one knows. But part of that makes me sad too. 99 percent of the reason why people don't know is because I am ashamed. I wish I could just eat normally, be thin and be happy. But then at the very same moment I love my disorder. It is mine. My "secret." All mine. No one can change it. And I don't think I really want to either. Who would I be then? Who the hell am I now? I more often then not have no fucking clue.
Today's plan is pretty simple. I am pissed about that cheese. I have to see Eric tonight....meh. So that means I'll have to eat something. Therefore, I am fasting today at work. Coffee and bronkaid. That will put me at about 130 calories with that cheese and the almond milk for my cups of coffee. For dinner I am eating some sort of vegetable. Steamed. No salt. Maybe a spray of zero calorie butter. I have 370 cals to work with so I am comfortable that I can succeed. After Eric leaves I need to do my 150 sit ups. If I'm feeling up to it maybe some strength. My flabby arms are ready to lift this fat ass up and fly away. Need to work on that.
Well I love ya ladies and I am almost positive I will be posting more later. Work went from full force to nothing so I have the time. YAY!
Hugs and Loves To All You Gorgeous Bitches.
Let's DO THIS.
<3
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