Weight Maintenace - OK, Drunk Mother - NOT OK. Merry Xmas Round One.

Soooo........I guess I somewhat survived the weekend witht the two xmas parties. I started off at 141.2 on Friday morning and as of this morning I am 141.8. I didn't engorge myself like a mad women at the parties like I usually do but I def didn't do as great as I wanted to either. And I won't lie....I did do a mini binge Sunday night on some chips and sour cream with my sister and her boyfriend. Obviously, I BPed them with a Spriet Zero. All and all - yeah, I wanted to be in the 130's.....but I guess I am satisfied that I didn't really gain too much over the weekend. I was gunna fast all week but I thought "Why?" I have three parties this weekend and any progress I made would have just been ruined and made me super depressed anyhow. I'm just gunna try and skimp through the three meals and if Iwake up 141 next Monday I guess I will be okay with that, and then start the fasting process all over again. I still have hopes for 130 by February. Hopefully 120 by summer......but let's not jump the gun.

Christmas with my mom was a complete disaster otherwise. For someone who didn't want booze at the party she ended up buying one of those large bottles of wine (not the jug but not the 750ml - the Liter) and drank the whole thing without barely eating. She got so watsed and made a complete fool outta herself in front of Eric and my sister's new boyfriend. I was SHOCKED. My mom doesn't even drink. I have NEVER seen my mother drunk. It was horrible. My sister cried and hid in my bedroom with her bf all night. I sent the rest of the family home including Eric and spent the remainder of the night between my mom's room, the bathroom and the living room couch taking care of her. On top of it, my dog must have gotten a hold of something and she ended up getting sick too. I cleaned up non stop puke from my dog and my mother all night. It's probably a good thing I'm a bulimic because other wise I don't think a normal person could handle that much vomit. At some point I even had to restrain my mother because she was getting kinda violent with me. Needless to say she woke up with a mad hangover, a sore wrist and a bruised back. OH WELL. After my mom called me a mean bitch I was kinda at my wits end. Merry freaking Christmas to me. HO HO HO. If it wasn't for that bottle of tequila in my sock drawer to sip on I probably woulda lost it.

**Yeah, I keep tequila in my sock drawer, OK. I know I have issues but then.....isn't that why I'm a Blogger??**

I am feeling really fat and depressed today. My dad is also in town from FL which means I will be having the undying fight of telling him I DO NOT want lunch at work. Whenever he is in he constatntly tries to force feed me. I know he cares but I'm really tired of it. I brought a mini tupperwear dish of spinch today......I'm hoping that will convince him that I have enough lunch for the day....most likely not though : /

Well Ladies I have a shit ton of corporate Christmas cards to get out. I will try my best to check back tomorrow.

<3

I Hate Myself More Than Anyone On Earth

Was forced to eat dinner last night by the bf. Two beers and a 1/3 of a salad. No dressing. The beers were my fault but I wanted them to keep from a fucking panic attack. Still - weak and pathetic move. I purged the salad and the booze.

That was followed by us finishing our Christmas shopping. I had a throbbing head and stomach ache when I got home. Went straight to bed. Woke up at 3 am to eat a sandwich and some chips. WTF. I swear to god in the middle of the night I don't even have any concept of what I am doing. It's like I'm not asleep, but not awake either. I eat and don't even think about the fact that I'm fasting. That I have a fucking goal I am trying to achieve. This is a constant reoccuring issue of mine. I wake up in the morning to see the plate on my night stand I break out in a sweat. I wanna die as I head across the hall where IT is waiting. The fucking scale.

143.8.

I've been crying all morning. I don't know how to get outta the 3 am binge mode. I fucking hate it. I do so well during the day and it always gets ruined by a half concious eat fest. I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I feel like I'm dying inside. My whole life is a god damn joke. I'm such a fuck up in every area and I try to excel in at least one god damn thing and I can't. I keep telling myself: well if you suck at everything else, at leats you can be good at starving. WRONG. I am a complete waste of fucking oxygen. I'm so tired of waking up every day to see my fat ugly reflection. My teeth that are wearing away. My hair that is falling out. My cracked and split ugly finger nails. I just wish I had enough balls to try and take my own life again. The first, second and third attempts didn't work because people found my lifeless bodies. WHY? WHY did they have to find me?? Don't they know by saving me they are actually killing me??

I can't go one like this anymore.....I just can't

Quickie

Hey dears. Just a quick update before the work day ends.

Last night was a food success for the most part. Hug out with my friend Jaclyn and was forced to eat some french fries and a sandwich. Luckily I woke up still down. 140.8. If I keep it up I will hopefully be 137 by Saturday morning. Man that would be great. Only to be followed by the horrific pig fest that is my mom's christmas brunch. I must be strong I must be strong I must be........

Today I have eaten an egg sandwich.....because Jaclyn made me. I was upstairs getting ready for court (she was giving me a ride today) and she comes in the door way with an already made egg sandwich on a paper plate. "I buttered the bread for you sweetie. YUM YUM." WTFthanksalotIdidnotaskforafuckingeggsandwich. God I love that girl to pieces and I know I have blogged about her before but her constantly force feeding me is really getting to me. She eats like a shit ton everyday and is still a size 3. I have tried telling her that she is destroying me and she just says "tough shit you're eating." And I can't lie to her because she sees right through me (when usually I am a FABULOUS lier) and one the days when we spend a bunch of hours together obviously I can't lie because I have been with her all day. Ugh. I know she just cares but I wish she wouldn't in the eating area. Everyone else around me has either just stopped caring or just deals because they know I will never change. Why can't she just do the same????? I guess that's why she's called a good friend tho. Ho Hum........

Well I took two Bronks and am not feeling them........damnit. I build tolerances up so much. I want to take more laxatives but I am going x-mas shopping with Eric in about twenty minutes. I'm afraid they will back fire in a store.......not too sure I wanna risk that. Yet I haven't exactly ruled it out yet. I need 139 tomorrow.....even it it's 139.9......I just wanna see it. SO BAD.

Wish me luck and I love you ladies.

<3

A WEEK? Holy crap I'm so sorry!!

.......They just might save your life one day.

 Hey ladies!!! Been missing you!! Work has been nuts but I should have been blogging at home, shame on me!! First I will answer the questions/comments from last time:

Dumb Brunette - Yeah you are sooo right. 30 to 60 cals less in almond milk than soy. Dually noted! Thanks for the reminder!! Giving up cheese has always been the hardest part for me to. I suppose I shouldn't say "vegan" because there is no way in hell I would ever give up my shoes, but right now I am ovo-lacto vegetarian and I would like to go staright vegetarian. Good soy cheese brands?? Ha. I have yet to find one that is even comparable. Nutritional yeast is an additive to a lot of receipes that have cheese. I have never used it before but have always wanted to buy it because it is supposed to give a cheese-like taste to food you sprinkle it on, etc. If I try some I will def let ya know!!

Jose13 - SO SORRY this is so late, but yes I have drank booze (beer, wine and hard liquor) and used the Bronkaid and have had no problems but everyone is diffrent so still BE CAREFUL. And I HIGHLY suggest not drinking anything with redbull while you are on it. Heart attack is not needed. :)

Okay so to update you......I have no clue what my weight is. I am guessing 143 but cannot guarantee for sure. I feel like such a fat whale everyday but WHO IS THAT TO BLAME??? This idiot right here. I have my dad coming in from Florida in nine days and I NEED THAT SHOCKED COMMENT. I need it. I want it soo bad. "WOW sweetie, you look like you lost MORE weight." (Insert sad dad face) So basically I am going on an extreme fast and pill binge until monday. Currently I am on two bronkaid and feel amazing and am waiting for my laxatives to kick in.....yes, I caved and bought some. I don't plan on getting back on the permanently but I def need to have them to hit the goal by Monday, which is 135. PRAY FOR ME ladies!!! I am feeling AMAZZZZING on the Bronkaids right now and I have drank a whole pot of coffee to myself. I bet you when I look at the clock after this post it will have taken me all but 7 minutes to type it because I am seriously cracked out right now, but in a FANTASTIC way. LOL. Yay.

I have never gotten around to buying anything on the last grocery list I posted. I have still not managed to get a ride to Whole Foods and Christmas is screwing me with money anyways so I will just hope for the best come January. I need to just get through this damn holiday. You all know how I feel about it, lol. I am freaking out a smidge about this weekend and I am sure once it gets closer I will be going postal. I have TWO family dinners this weekend and THREE Christmas weekend. Jesus fucking Christ people. Luckily this weekend is my mom and my mom's sister so I can get buy with not eating shit and not catching too much drama about it. My main problem will just be staying strong through the whole thing. I plan on eating Bronks all day and praying that gets me to not munch on shit. And due to a HUGE blow out fight between my mother and I last weekend there will be no booze at my mom's house for the party so the Christmas buzz induced munching shall not commence. I am still sad there will be no wine though. She is such a lame ass I swear to god. I am not even going to tell ya'll that story because it soo long and completely fucking retarded. My mother is impossible to explain until you meet her.....and then even still her thought process and actions rarely make sense. 2 + 2 = 46 in her world. Eyyyyyy.

So due to the fact that I am the only veggie in the family I am usually responsible for making one to two veggies dishes because they are basically my meals. I am making sauteed asparagus with mushrooms and yellow squash. Usually I try to make some sort of casserole, but casserole always have a ton of butter and bread crumbs and shit so I am trying to make mine as healthy as possible. I'm going to steam everything and them lightly toss it in fat free butter with garlic, low sodium salt and black pepper. How does that sound? Suitable for Christmas??

Well lovlies I have a ton-o-blogs to catch up on and some work to wrap up also. I will post my weight tomorrow and let you know how fasting this evening goes!!

<3

I'd like to introduce you to...........

Dumb Brunette's Blog. New to blogger and seems super awesome. Check her out! :) Plus I love the fact that she's a fellow brunette. Hell Yeah Girl!

In regards to her most recent post, i have decided I am going to make a shopping list. I completely forgot about V8 and was reminded by her post. I fucking love the shit. HOW COULD I STOP DRINKING IT??? Especially the Spicy hot kind.....mmm......I know the sodium in HORRIBLE and I already suck in that area but I have tried the low sodium kind and I have to choke it down. The regular i actualy enjoy to drink and satisfies me when I use it as a meal. What I am going to try from now on is half regular-half low sodium. Hopefully it will still be tasty but not going to blow me up like Violet from Willy Wonka's.

Now....I am going to make the list. I am super broke as always so I am going to *star anything I an actually going to buy. The rest is wishful thinking lol. I don't even know why i am posting my list but i feel very compelled to do so. Eric will take me shopping tonight or tomorrow. Once we move in together i will actually buy everything on this list because I will need it. If I buy it now it will go to waste why I continue to be a milk drinking, egg eating Ovo-Lacto Vegetarian asshole. OOOHHHH I can't wait to go straight Vegetarian again when we move in together!!!! Later Animal Products!!!!!!

1. West Soy Low Fat Soy Milk*
2. Almond Dream Unsweetened Almond Milk (omg how can u beat 30 cals per 8oz!!)
3. Soy Cream Cheese
4. Soy Singles Cheese Slices
5. Worthington Corned Beef Loaf
6. Worthington Smoked Turkey Roll
7. Ener-G Egg Replacement
8. "Beef" TVP
9. Vegannaise
10. Soy cottage cheese
11. Butter substitute
12. Nutritional Yeast
13. Bricks upon Bricks of Tofu*
14. Veggie Master "Fish" Steaks
15. WILD CARD - LOL

OOOOOOO making a food list makes me sooo excited!!! (Go figure) ;P

<3
14

Hi. My name is Jamie. My middle name is FAIL.



I seem to be already doing this.....ugh

 UUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No success to report. Fucking awesome. Weekend fucking sucked. Huge three way fight between Eric, my mom and myself Saturday. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY ERIC. We are all psychos so feel free to exit stage left when you feel like it. FUCK. Long story short: Eric and I patched things up, my mom (despite my love for her) can go fuck herself for the millionth time and I am moving the fuck out by March 1st.....with Eric. GREAAAAATTTT.

I am happy with Eric now, I really am. I grow fonder of him each day as time passes and the little things that irritated me I am letting go of. Besides the dog.......although I have been more accepting of her lately as well. Although Eric and I have a "pretty good" relationship, we have only been dating for 5 months and the thought of moving in together scares the shit outta me. Especially with ED. Yes, I have purged at his house before but I have never binged there and if we live together he will find me out. And what if our toilet at the new place sucks??? My worst nightmare!!! He will find out how even more fucked up I am than he already knows. And GOD. How embarrassing. It's one thing to be Ana but it's another thing to sit there and say "YES - I like to shove food down my throat at lightening speed, followed by endless diet coke so I can haul ass to the bathroom and puke so I can feel 1% better about fucking existing." JESUS - I wish I had ANA will power. The only thing positive about living with Eric is I will be buying my own food so I can choose what I want and will barely have any money for it. Living with my mother means I currently have food ALWAYS and usually there is a nice array of shit I shouldn't eat. FUCK THAT. I am totally going back to the vegan lifestyle. So as always I have made a plan. I love but hate making them because I always fail at them. Here it is:

1. Hit 135 by Christmas
2. START FUCKING TANNING
3. Start running, preferably to the TANNING BED. Two birds, one stone.
4. Master fasting, ultimately ridding of BP 90 to 100 percent.
5. Use my god damn resistance kit and tone up this flabby body

I'm not going past 5 goal because the thought of my even keeping one is HUGE.

I have no clue what I weigh. I'm still to scared. I need to just do it already to get some perspective. I will weigh tomorrow and let you all know where I'm at. I haven't eaten laxatives in along time but I am thinking about going on a laxative/Bronkaid 48 hour binge. Clean out. If I'm lucky it will get me to 140 and I can work uphill (down weight lol) from there. I just have to get to the store. If I go to class tonight I can pull it off.......hmmmmm........

Depression is still high. Morale low. Surprise surprise. My urges to cut have been creeping up. If it wasn't for the fact that I am hopeful that one day, just maybe, I might be thin and able to show my body off I would probably resemble a cutting board again. I have a new method of "self harm" that keep me going. Every time I feel the urge I just dig my nails as deep as I can into my arms and tear the skin off. Deep scratches I suppose. It works. I might go back to bruising too but we will see. So far no one has noticed except Eric. He asked me one day during Thanksgiving day weekend what happened to my arm and I was drinking tequila and didn't give a fuck so I was just told him its a defense mechanism. In reality it is a defense from cutting and crying. I told him just about the crying e.g. I was in class and they made me talk about my DUI so I dug my nails into my arm so I wouldn't cry in front of the guys and get embarrassed. That is a totally true story though so I guess I'm only half lying?? Whatever I don't care anyways.......

Well I am going to catch up on blogs, look at thinspo and who the hell else knows at work today. I hope you are doing well and I am sooo thankful everyday to have you girls in my life. Love you Run, Kitty, Peridot and Josie13!!

<3

Nightime Binging & Christmas

Binged again last night. DAMN. Why can't I stop this vortex!! I ate two kinds of chips, a few boiled carrots and a veggie burger. Then woke up in the middle of the night and ate two pieces of cold pizza. I am never going to loose weight this sucks. I do sooo well during the day and then destroy it all in the middle of the night. Does anyone have some goods tips for me?? I feel I've tried everything!!

Eric's step scale said 144?? I think. Damn rotary. I seriously need something digital over there.

I HAVE TO LOOSE 15 by January 1st. 10 by Christmas. I know I have the will power to do it I just need to get this night eating shit settled. I decided maybe until I get 100% back into fasting mode maybe it would help to eat some veggies during the day so I don't wake up starving in the middle of the night. It's so disgusting that I actually get woken up by hunger. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

I'm getting anxious about Christmas. I know I still have four weeks, and I have gotten about 1/3 of my shopping done already, but I am still having anxious and having obsessive thoughts. I do this with everything in my life that is "coming up." If I have a party I have to cook for I stress for weeks; if I have a night out coming up I stress about what I'll wear; Corporate xmas cards need to go out and I'm stressing about the fact that I don't have them in the mail yet. I know I am being silly and have plenty of time to always accomplish what I need to get done but no matter how many times I tell myself to relax I just simply cannot. All in all I cannot wait until the holidays are over. Shopping and eating combined. YUCK. The only thing I like about the holidays is getting to spend time with family. I know it's tradition and all to exchange gifts but I don't see why we have to. Everyone in my family is super tight with money and we are all grown ups now. Christmas is about presents when your 5, not 25, at least not to me. Every year I end up spending about 600 or so between gifts, wrapping supplies and Christmas cards. Even with being an extreme bargain shopper it's STILL 600 DOLLARS, ya know? Call me selfish and a scrooge, but when I total my receipts after all shopping is complete I get a sick feeling in my stomach: "Man, I could of used that money to pay my credit card/loan/medical/legal/car payment." God, I know I must sound HORRIBLE. Does anyone understand how I feel? I wanna shower friends and family with gifts; I love shopping for people. But I'm just so broke and I literally had to start saving money three months ago just to get by with shopping this year. AND I still don't have enough to buy for everyone who is deserving. "Way to go" money for always being the pit fall of the holidays. I hate how the world revolves around it!!

Today I am only on one coffee but its only 11 am. I guess technically I am on two slices of pizza too cuz I ate them at 3 am. Frick. I have no real plans for the evening. Eric is probably me up from the bus. What I would like to do is go tanning, get a haircut and hang out with my dog for a bit. Maybe do some cleaning of my bed room. We shall see. The haircut and the tanning are the only things that might not happen. Eric will probably give me a ride though. DAMN NEEDING RIDES.

Ya know what?? As I typed that last sentence about rides it dawned on my.......I need to stop being so damn lazy. So what i walk two miles to work? So what it its cold? Jewish people went through horribly unspeakable things during WW2 and still survived, you would think i could walk my lazy ass two miles to get my shit done. God I am spoiled!!! OK, "ambitious" goals for tonight:

1. Walk 1.8 miles home from bus.
2. Wash face, change and walk to hair salon
3. Tan after haircut (the places are next store to one another)
4. Walk back home.
5. Clean room.

Wish me luck....I am sooo lazy, lol.

Stay Lovely <3

Greasy.Fat.Sad.Pale. Yay Me.

I am disgusting today. I woke up late for work and did not have time to shower. Yuck. However this is totally my fault. With the depression on the rise I basically have zero desire to ever get out of bed. Not even for work and work is the one positive thing I have going for myself. I hate waking up at five. I hate walking two miles to the bus stop in 25F weather. What makes it the worst is that my lifestyle is like this because I am a complete fuck up. I had everything I wanted and I took advantage of it. Now all I have is me, my fat and my depression. Oh and my job. Thank god for the job I guess. I'm blessed for that, I really am.

I have a tanning package that I pay for monthly. I never go. Yet I pay. The place is only a mile from my house but I am always too lazy or too busy to go. I need to change that. I think some tanning would help me emotionally. Plus my skin has been sucking so tanning would fix that in a jiffy. I just hate asking people for rides for dumb shit like that. UGH. Maybe I should just stop caring and ask for rides.....

Tonight I have to meet up with Eric and my friend Steve for birthday drinks. And Dinner. Fuck. I am so broke and so fat and so sad I just want to cancel. But Steve said he had a present for me and his birthday was yesterday so I arranged a little meet up after work. What makes it even better is we are going to a place I used to work at. I haven't stepped foot in that place since I walked out. I am over seeing my ex boss, I just hope I don't see anyone I know. I hate seeing people from my past. Everyone always asks the typical questions about current life: where are you working? School? Boyfriend? Blah blah blah??? It's embarrassing because everyone is going places in life and I have done nothing but fuck mine up since the last time I saw everyone. Totally fucking humiliating.

I think I am going to cancel....I just text Eric and am waiting for his input. Yeah...probably gunna cancel. I just can't do it.

Today I have eaten.......nothing. I have no clue what I weigh. I'm too scared to step on the scale.

I could just cry right now. Thinking about having to take the bus home is disgusting me. I am so tired of my life. I wish I was strong enough to just end it already.

Extreme Anxiety Brought On By Failure

Hey ladies. I hope everyone is doing good.

Egh. I am so sad/angry/hopeless/fearful right now. Basket of a emotions.....in a nut shell. (ok LOL that was funny....haha) But yeah as I was saying, I have done HORRIBLE since Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving actually went better than planned compared to how much I usually eat but since I had to eat it signaled the food monster to come out of hiding and I basically NOM NOM NOM the whole fucking weekend. I don't even feel like waking up and having to look at the horrible havoc I have done to myself in the past week. I am so upset with me right now. I finally hit the goal. FINALLY. And I'm not going to sit here and blame anyone else than me. Who fucking cares if it was a holiday?! Who fucking cares if people would be mad?! I always make excuses for myself in the moment because deep down inside lets face it: I'm a fucking human who needs food, and I am also a human ADDICTED to food. FUCK.

Since I started eating last week all I do is think about food. It's driving me fucking crazy. I had gotten so strong those last few weeks and was fasting like a champion. Now the idea of fasting makes me pissed off because I want to sit on my ass and eat all god damn day. I know it will take me about three days of mental and physical hell to get back into fasting mode. The first three fasting days after a food frenzie are so god damn shitty. Yesterday was supposed to be day one. Well I got drunk last night and you know where that leads......2 am cheese sandwiches with chips smashed on them. That's right: THEM. PLURAL. Fucking multiple sandwiches. UUUGGGGHHHHHH. I did however wake up three pounds lighter, thank you booze for dehydrating me.

I am sad to report: 145.6. I didn't even want to tell you all because I am SO EMBARRASSED. I feel like such a failure. My apologizes to you all. I fucking suck at everything.

I prob will not be posting that much until I hit the thirties again but will still be following everyone. But who knows, my mood changes as the wind blows.

Love You Bitches <3

FUCK THE HOLIDAYS

I FUCKING HATE THANKSGIVING. I AM A WHALE.

It's gunna take two weeks of fasting to recover from this damage. Food is SATAN.

How Did My Weekend Go, You Ask......?

Hey ladies! Thanks to Peridot and Thin Thoughts for your comments! Love you both! Peridot no sweat...I was MIA for a few weeks myself, and Thin Thoughts I am glad I can be inspiring....even with me thinking I am the farthest thing from it....lol. Glad I can help!!

So I did really good over the weekend. Nothing Gold Star worthy by any means....I controlled my food outstandingly and I was 138.4 on Saturday morning but then a binge drink session Saturday night had me back to 140.2 Sunday. I am 140.1 as of this morning. I am sad I didn't loose but it's my own fault so I am not dwelling on it. I am fasting until Thanksgiving. I am scared shitless about the holiday. I have 3 dinners to go to. YEP - MOTHERFUCKINTHREE Meals to attend. YAAAAYYYYYYY. Go. Fuck. Yourself. Thanks a lot for whoever decided Thanksgiving was not about being thankful for the slaying of many Indians (obv I am not supporting) but for stuffing our fat faces as much as possible. Sweet. As in Sweet Potato.

Yeah I am not sure how I am going to manage through the holiday. Especially because my first meal is at Eric's grandparents which means 1. I am not aware of the toilet capabilities, nor will I dare try them out and 2. I cannot be rude so I have to eat something. I plan on using the "oh, I still have another meal to attend, gotta save room!" excuse. I am thinking it will work out well. My dad's side (second meal) is used to my crazy diets and what not so I don't sweat over there. Plus they have a fabulous toilet for any slip ups. If I can wake 140 Friday I will feel successful. If I wake up 138 I'm a GOD DAMN CHAMPION!!! Hahahaha. Meal number three is at my house on the following Sunday. It's my house so no concerns. My way, with my food and my toilet to answer to. And I have my scale to step on compulsively in secret through out the night. BAM - done and done.

Yesterday was eeghhhhhh. I smoked some weed and broke down with veggie stir fry at like 8:30 pm. I guess it wasn't what I ate but how much I ate. Yeah, way too much. Hence my 140.1 this morning. Today has been great! I am on two cups of coffee and sipping a Diet Orange Crush as I type. I have class today so will not be home until 9 p.m. I am going to try my hardest to go straight to bed when I get home. Zero food.

I have been forgetting to bring my Bronks to work and I have noticed the difference. I think I may crack myself out on them for the holiday. Yes.......I think I just might.

Okay lovelies I'm off to catch up on blogs. What are all your plans to stay thin this Thanksgiving?

I FUCKING DID IT

I. AM. OFFICIALLY. 139.1

WHAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

:)

I have fasted HARDCORE this week. I have also been still severely depressed so it has made me not want to eat shit. HOWEVER. It's Friday. DUN DUN DUN. We know what happens to me on the weekends: BEER FOOD BEER BEER FOOOOOD FOOD BEEER FOOD. Frick. I am positive I will be strong but I am worried about a get together Eric wants to have with his friends down town. Shit. Oh well I don't care I'm not breaking down. I don't wanna be the weirdo in the room but I CAN'T loose 139. I cannot. I've worked way to fucking hard for this. I AM SO HUNGRY LADIES. I could eat my whole arm at this point. I have eaten MAYBE 2000 cals since Sunday. I basically only eat when I feel like I am going to black out. Oh ladies you would be sooo proud of me!!! I have even remained strong in restaurant settings!! Wednesday Eric and I went out for Chinese. Yay. I ordered pea pods. I asked them for no sauce, no oil, no seasoning. Straight STEAMED pods. Hold the rice. Add an ice water. Low and behold the pea pods can out pan cooked and drenched in oil. After years of serving tables I am not the candidate to send food back and I usually will just deal with what I am served. FUCK NO, NOT TODAY. I simply made a small bitch to Eric and pushed the pods to the side. The dumb ass waiter also brought out rice. UGH. So tempting. Eric was insisting I send them back but I said no like 4 times and he finally dropped it. I sat there with a empty white plate and my glass of water. It felt like the typical picture we have all seen on the Internet. Fork, Knife, Spoon, Empty white plate and large ice water. It felt fucking awesome ladies. Awesome. I was so tempted to take a picture but yeah.....bf across the table, lol. The waiter eventually noticed something was wrong bc I hadn't touched anything and came over and made a god damn scene about having them remade. Jesus, why are Asian people so loud and pushy? I  know not all.....but this one. My Lord, shut the fuck up man. So they were remade correctly and I ate ten pea pods with some hot mustard. The rest I took To Go and it still currently sits untouched in my fridge. :)

Then last night, I was at a bar with my gf's. My tooth pick sized friend Jaclyn eats constantly (SO JEALOUS) and when I went to the bathroom I came back to "Jamie I ordered us potato skins!! No bacon so you can eat them too!!!!!" Ah fuck. REAALLLLLYYY???? Jaclyn is on to me.......EVERY time we hang out she tries to feed me. We were at a jewelry party last Saturday and she thought it would be a good idea to make a discussion with everyone about how I never eat and and looking too skinny. Talk about fucking uncomfortable!! Anyways, so these greasy cheesy delicious devils come out. I am literally on the verge of either 1. Running out into the bitter cold never to return, 2. Having an extreme panic attackin my chair. So I am sitting there talking and trying not to notice the food in front of me and what does she do.....oh how nice......puts a skin and a boat load of sour cream on my side plate. Thanks MOM. Christ. She even unrolled my silverware and was like "Here ya go sweetie.." UGH. I feel horrible. I looooove Jaclyn, she is an amazing friend and I know she just cares but I am an adult and at the end of the day I will do what I want. So for the first time in my whole life, I used the napkin trick. With us sitting at the bar and not directly across from each other at the table it was easy to fake eat. I would pick up a skin and every time she would bend down to take a bite and look away from me I broke a piece off into the napkin. Voila. Worked like a god damn charm. Mission accomplished. :)

I have this fear about weighing again. Like maybe my scale was bullshitting me this morning......oh please god I hope not!!! Please be 138 tomorrow. I am super happy that Eric has to work late tonight because it gets me outta dinner. YAY!!! I have made a point to keep my liquids to barely nothing because as soon as I get home I am re-weighing. I know this is a bad idea and could send me into a deep dark scary place. I never weigh at night. EVER. But I feel the need to now. Another thing is Eric's scale......it's one of the rotary scales....or is that what the word is?? Not the ones where the digital number comes up, it has the weight wheel and the little dashes so you are never really sure your exact weight is. Every ounce fucking counts. The scale in my house is technically my mothers. She also has her own issues with food so I am pretty sure if I took it out of the house with me and brough it to Eric's I would be getting a angry phone call. I have thought about asking Eric if I can buy a new one and keep it at his house. That sounds crazy. So I haven't asked. I am still debating though. There many be a Walmart stop this evening.......

God I'm fucking starving. I chewed and spit and english muffin this morning. I don't chew and spit often. Maybe 5 times ever. But I felt it was necessary. I did drink a regular pop though now that I think about it......I think the sugar really helped me out though cuz I was in black out land before I drank it. Crap, I hope I don't gain from that!! All I can think about today is food and the scale. I have the devil and the angel going:

Devil: Fuck it, you're so hungry go binge. It wont do that must damage.
Angel: FAST FAST FAST or you'll be FAT FAT FAT. Don't run the 30's when you just got there!

Shit I want enchiladas. And pasta. A margarita And a fucking steak. Eww....I don't even eat meat!!! Pray for me ladies I feel so weak to food!!!

I love you all and will be catching up on your blogs. Now that I have made some progress I will be back around more frequently as before. Josie13, JT and Kitty: I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS. Thank you so much for the continued support and a special thanks to Josie13 for a first comment. I'll be looking up your blog as well. It's awesome to know I have support out there and people who are going through the same hell. I love you all.

Peace Out My Sistas

<3

12 days have gone by.......

Hey There. Sorry for the abscence. Works been picking up.....I also have had nothing good to say so yeah.

I decided (at least for today) I'm not posting my weight until I hit 139. All I do is blog about "getting so close" and then I fucking binge like a weak bitch. I'm sure you are all sick of hearing about my continual failure.

Quickly to update - Dennis...I am done with that. Again. For good. Nothing bad/good happened. Just done with him. I got enough drama in my life. Eric and I are still "good." I think about leaving him everyday to spare him. But as usual I'm too selfish.

My depression is really starting to get worse. I know the winter weather doesn't help it.  I cry everyday. I keep looking at my gun card application. I keep stopping myself from applying because I know I will get denied and that means one less option for me to kill myself. If I don't apply I'll never know right? I should be killing myself November 26th, my 25th birthday. But of course!! I fucked that up to. I am not prepared yet. Fuck.

I'm so tired of being a loser but there is nothing I can do to change it at this point. NOTHING. Driving - out the window. School - out the window. Getting a second job - fucking impossible. Ever moving out of my mother's house - Probably not gunna happen until I'm 40 bc I'm in so much debt. YAY!!! The golden road I have paved for myself!!! What a fucking waste of oxygen.

I have so much to say but can't say it without tears pouring down my face. I will try to blog tonight from home. Love you all.

Extremely Bipolar Today

Had court this morning. Guess who drove me?? DUN DUN DUN......DENNIS. Yeah.....guess I need to fill you in on that.........basically he texted me on Sunday saying he missed me and had to see me and I was "worth it" and blah blah blah. I told him we can see each other and work something out. Whatever. I asked him on Tuesday if he could drive me to court for a "favor" in exchange. He said yes. Jesus Christ I am such a fucking whore. As it happened tho court took a super long time and I ended up just getting a ride from him. No warrant and no blow job. Win Win? Meh......We havent had sex or anything since we called shit off a few weeks ago. I have a cervical procedure called the LEEP being done November 9th and I can't have sex for 6 WEEKS afterwords. I told Dennis "get it while it's still hot on the market." Agian - another whore remark. Eric of course is perfect and sweet and doesn't mind we can't have sex just wants me to be healthy. Hahahahahahah. Healthy???? Yeah right. I'll never be healthy with ED and Depression on my back. Oh yeah.....let's not forget drug addict and alcoholic. Yay me. I seriously don't even care about anything but my ED anymore in regards to my own life. I have officially done everything in my life I said I would never do. I have zero respect for myself of anyone and the proof of that is in the Dennis pudding. All I want is to get thin and then die a month later. It seems like something so easy to accomplish. It is easy to accomplish. Yet what is keeping me from doing it? False hopes of me ACTUALLY becoming a decent person one day? HAH. I think I need to take a mirror out n see me reflection again. I will always be a worthless waste of human matter.

So yeah....another bi-polar day, as I call them. And of course I am not hating on anyone who has actually been diagnosed. I had a therapist say she wanted me to be evaluated or some shit because she was convinced I had it. I never saw her again. I did take a bloggers test tho and scored high in Split Personality Disorder. The traits are me to a fucking T. So I'm just going to go with that. But inside I know I am probabaly BP because of how irractic I am. Hurray.

**side note......just tasted Fresca Peach for the first time. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Best diet soda ever!

Anyways, so today I have consumed half a pop and a cup of coffee. It's 3:36 pm. I weighed in this morning at 146.something.......I am determined to be 140 by Monday. I can do it if I stay focused. I am quite excited because I will not be celebrating Halloween at all. I had an opportunity to work this weekend and make some extra money so I jumped on it. I had a party Eric's roommate was throwing Friday but I cancelled on him yesterday. I work from 9 am to about 10pm. Then I have to be back up at 7am on Saturday to finish off the work. SOOOO many hours but I am actually thrilled about it. Between court and taking that sick day last week I have lost ten hours so I need to make up some money before my next check. BILLS BILLS BILLS. Oh how I love them. So with me working, I will not be binge drinking and eating shit food all night. I know I still have Saturday and Sunday to deal with but despite how sad I feel I am feeling positive about restricting. Let's hope that sticks. I also have about 12 pain killers I have saved (I actually know where they are!! HAHAH) and that will supress my appetite. I also have a package of bronks. :) Pray for me!!

Well I had a ton of shit to say but the work phone and my email is blowing up so I better be off. It was all pointless babble anyways, lol.

Stay lovely home slices. <3

Why Can't I Ever Manage........

.......to stick to a goal........of any sort.

Still so depressed and feeling like shit. I know the change of the seasons is not helping. :( I just wanna hide under my blakets and never come out......well not until I loose forty pounds. I wonder how long I would have to stay under there.....??

I have STILL been eating like a fucking pig. Oink Oink. This weekend was filled with Booze, SHIT FOOD and zero exercise. I blame myself and the weed I bought last week. I seriously fuck up my eating and weight so bad everytime I buy it. Eric rarely smokes either, just like me, and he wanted some last week so I treated. I swear one hitter a day has me in full binge mode 24/7. I have one hitter left. Packed and ready at home. I decided I'm already probably like 20 pounds heavier than last reported and screwed up majorly today already so I am ending the night with that one hitter and a bowl of Alfredo noodles and veggies.

Today I ate:

1 Campbells Select Soups
1 Bagel loaded with REAL Butter
1 Jimmy Johns #6 with no sproats
1 Jimmy johns BBQ chip
1 package of Captains Wafers

I've already eaten all that shit and it's only 4:32 p.m. FUCK. Why can't I ever gain control and just loose this god damn weight?!?!?!?

So once again I "start over." I honestly have no clue what kind of damage I have done to myself. I'm so scared to weigh.........so freaking the fuck out.

Well I will hopefully write more tomorrow. I have alot of blogs to catch up on too. Usually I tend to disappear when I'm failing and eating like a COW....hopefully that never happens again.

Loves <3

So Depressed

Hey...

I've been so depressed and sad lately. And kinda sick on top of it. Hence not posting alot this week. My weight...???? Don't even wanna know. Havent even been trying lately. I am so sad today it is keeping everything inside me not to just burst into tears. I wish I would just burst into flames and be done with this life.

I am:

1. FAT
2. Broke
3. With a boyfriend I do not deserve
4. Ungrateful
5. Spiteful
6. A lier.
7. FAT.......just in case anyone forgot.
8. Useless
9. Fucked for court the 27th.
10. Semi suicidal......but not REALLY.

I don't know what to do with myself. I am sad for the same reasons as always. And as always i can only blame myself for such a shitty life. Que pity party. I'm so pathetic.

I have class tonight. If I blow this one off I have to go twice next week. UGH. I seriously don't want to go but know I should. FUCK. It's like 30 degrees and windy as shit.....I hate having to walk in this garbage.

Well I have nothing else to say. Bye.

Here I Am Again..........

At Eric's house. Playing nurse. It's only 9:45 am and I have already scrubbed down the kitchen, cleaned the bathroom, started laundry, made coffee and took the dog out. ANNNNNNDDDDD I'm bored. Yuck.

I still have yet to shower but am waiting on that because I am going to go for a walk soon. I need to get out and get some fresh air. It's gorgeous outside today, just like last weekend. I'm going to go outside and enjoy it even if just for an hour. :)

Has anyone watched The Colony?? It's an awesome reality TV show. And I'm not even big on reality shows, except Teen Mom. LOL. It's a show about ten people placed in an apocalypse like setting in LA and they have to build clean water systems, provide electricity etc etc. Its a pretty awesome show in my opinion. Check it out on Netflix if you have a subscription.

Ok well I just caught Eric reading my shit. I'm a dumb ass for even trying to blog here. So much for a piece of sanity. I'll try to blog later when he is passed out of something.

<3 

Post for Blogger KITTY........

Kitty is a girl who's blog I follow.....as I'm sure some of you ladies do also. I truly love her blog and I understand her daily frustrations with loosing. I was sitting here reading her latest post and it dawned on me........I never once have blogged about my ACTUAL weight and where I have come from.

When I was 15 I weighed 220 pounds. I was completely miserable. Just the thought of having to loose sooo much weight to be at a healthy BMI got me so upset I never wanted to do anything about it. I would diet for a week or two....see little results....then say fuck it. The cycle would continue over and over again. I wish I had pictures of this time to post.......but I didn't really allow anyone to take them. : /

Kitty left a comment on one of my posts the other day that said:

Kittysaid...
You should be a tad kinder to your self.. If you ever get as fat as I am THEN you can start hating your self..


Kitty......I was really heavy at one point in my life. It was hard work but I eventually got down to 135 by 17 and it was AWESOME. I know you can do it too!! I'm glad you have been more positive lately and you have to keep thinking that way. It's the only way to keep on striving.....and loosing :)

How did I do it? Okay fine....yes there was fasting and good old MIA along the way but I had to seriously change my life style too. I made rules for myself. No eating past 6. If I went to a restaurant I was never allowed to order anything but a salad. Even if it was a special occasion. Despite being 15 and getting shit talk from my friends about "dieting" I never rarely let my meals falter. I avoided pizza pig outs. I LIVED on fresh veggies (STAY AWAY FROM CANNED GOODS) and fruits. Cottage cheese and lean skinless chicken were HUGE staple in my diet. No caffeine, no pop, even diet pop. Yeah - food was boring. I would get mad but it was SOOO worth it in the end. I worked out 3 times a week for 45 minutes. I had my mom backing me up the first two weeks to get my ass to the gym but eventually I started to want to go. You just have to get used to it as first.

I know I gained some weight back.....ugh FAIL. But ultimately that shit happens. Weight goes up and down in life. Meh. I'm just happy I've stayed in control enough to never see that number again.

Kitty I hope your not offended by this. I just want you to know that there is success at the end. And I know how you feel. I'm always here for you if you wanna chat.

Much Love <3

THANK GOD (Whomever that is..........)

Woke up this morning to 146.6. Thank god. One day of fasting made me loose 4.6 pounds. Damn bloating/water/whatever. I plan on fasting again today and all thru the weekend. Fingers CroXXed. I need to eat less than Eric this weekend. Which is basically nothing. Yay.

Last night was.........usual.

Spent all my money on tequila and Diet Mountain Dew as predicated. Total came out to 23.09. So I have .63 cents to live on till Monday. YAYYYYYY for me. It also dawned on me that I never even picked up a Sweetest Day card for Eric. Nor do I have any money to take him out to do anything. Do I spend part of the 200??? EGHHHH. I know I "probably" should....but I'm not. Maybe if I cry or something he wont think I'm the complete asshole that I am for spending 80 dollars on booze this week and nothing on him. I FUCKING FAIL AT EVERYTHING. I plan on walking to Walgreen's after work to buy him a card. With change. How embarrassing. I'll have to rob my piggy bank to do so. My piggy is my tattoo fund. Not suppose to rob that either but I can't NOT have a card. I don't even think he really cares about the holiday anyways. I asked him if there was something he wanted to do since i obviously can't take him to dinner with his surgery and all........he said it depends on how he feels. Okay fine whatever. usually I would take more initiative, like I did with his birthday, but in this case why even try?? I'm not going to plan some awesome day and then just be let down bc he feels like shit. God I'm selfish....IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU JAMIE.

To continue......so I drank half a fifth. Danced around my room to Paramore and Sia all the while doing two loads of laundry and DEEP cleaning my bedroom. Washed walls, ceiling fan, dusted, changed bedding, and even had my ass on the ground with the vacuum attachments cleaning under my bedroom furniture. Oh my wash it a dusty mess under there!!! (I have hardwood flooring) I even got a rag soaked with floor cleaner solution and mopped under the furniture. I am quite proud of myself for that one. :) Then...as always....the devil came home from work............

First she bitched about my clothes being in the dryer. "How long is this shit gunna be on I want to go to bed, I've been up since 6am!!!" Well if you'd CHECK THE FUCKING TIMER WISE ASS , it say 5 MINUTES. You haven't even taken off your god damn work uniform yet I think they will finish before then. So I took my slightly, just barely damp clothes out of the dryer and threw them on my floor just to make her STFU.  

Then she bitched about me attempting to find a snack to eat. I can't even remember what she was saying I just walked out of the kitchen. When she was washing her face I snuck into the kitchen and grabbed a banana. It's sad I feel I had to sneak into the kitchen for a fucking banana. The theme of the day continued.

 I didn't realize 24 year old had to be told when/where/how to eat. Yet she is constantly nagging about how she never sees me eat. JESUS CHRIST mom. Wonder where my fucked up eating originated from?????

I'm pretty sure there was something else she bitched about but I don't remember. Needless to say I pretended I was going to sleep. Didn't get to finish my laundry YET AGAIN because of her. Typed that last blog. Passed out. The End.

Eric has been looking at apartments. He wants me to move in with him. HAHAH are you serious?? Yeah right. We have known each other like 3 months. I'm not crazy in that sense. Been there done that with 2 ex's. Plus I can't stand your dog. Thinking of looking at that thing everyday......... I'd rather live with my mother. At least she works three nights a week so I get some alone time. I am VERY big on alone time. I snap without it. I can't even imagine being married. Being around someone 24/7. I'll fucking loose it. I should and will just die alone. It's for the best, really it is. If he gets an apartment close to my bus route, however, it will be a nice get away from the Devil if need be. I only see her Monday's and Tuesdays so usually we can keep the peace...it's just always those nights she comes home from work. She pulls doubles those days. I mean FINE MOM. I get it. You're tired. But don't take it out on me. I used to work THREE JOBS at one time AND go to school full time on top of it. Don't tell me I don't know what it's like to work hard. You forget - I wasn't always a complete waste of space. 

I am sooo fageezing bored at work. Another youtube movie day I guess. My Internet at work is so fucked up i can't watch Netflix like I want to so everyday is a hunt to find a decent movie on youtube. I watched a movie called "From Homeless to Harvard" the other day. I liked it a lot. Its based on a true story and I try to think of that movie every time I throw a pity party for myself. Usually the pity party still happens though. I just don't think I will ever be worth anything in life. If any of you ladies are bored check it out.

So far today I've eaten (surprise!!!) a banana, 1 cup coffee and some egg drop soup. Cals are at around 266. Dinner will be......broccoli?? Some veggie of the sort.

I'm sure I'll post later. Love you bitches. <3

On the brink

Im typing this in the dark. I cannot go on anymore. not here. not like this. as much as i want to die something inside me tells me it is not time. Im will know when it is. i hate myself. i hate life. i hate existance. period. i dream of the day my birthday, when i can finally sat goodbye

My Brain Is A Fruit Basket.....Care to Go Banana With Me?

Hey ladies.

UGH. Today is a bad day. Good food wise. I'm on 5 bites of egg drop soup, a banana and two cups of coffee. I'm pretty pissed about the banana but I guess it suits today's theme.......

I know I should have made a list of things I wanted to bitch about......so many things. Just when I was getting ready to blog I was interrupted by my boss to do something. Now my head is so swirly I can barely remember any of it.

Basically....I fucking Love/Hate today. Mostly hate, in a highly suicidal bi-polar fashion.

It is raining. And Pandora just so happened to play the most perfectly depressing music on the way to work. Love that.

I also love the mini heater under my desk that has been keeping me warm for the past year. Best seven dollars ever spent.

Splenda and Diet Mountain Dew. I would be lost without you. Oh....Tequila too. :)

Hate:

Item 1. My boyfriend -

As you all know he had surgery recently. He has not acted as babyish as I had suspected he would. That is good. HOWEVER...........do not sit there and bitch about how you are tired of eating the exact same foods everyday when you know that there are other options. For CHRIST SAKE Eric. You own a food processor. Do you know that there are many veggies, fruits and other items that can be pureed and still be delish?? Mashed carrots, Creamed spinach, Banana smoothies. You are a thirty 30 year old very intelligent person. GET A FUCKING CLUE. It's fine if you did not realize this on your own (for some reason) but I told you about 400fuckingtimes already to make this shit for yourself. He's on the brink of dehydration and is not getting enough vitamins. You want a god damn cold on top of your surgery??? Yeah I don't think hacking is the best option for you right now. I once again mentioned this today in a text conversation and he responds "True." DUH FUCKING TRUE. What the fuck have I been telling you??? I know you like to make me feel like a fucking idiot daily and subtly responds "BUT" to everything I say but I actually do know about SOME THINGS. Even if the list is small. I said this to him (in a MUCH nicer fashion...followed by a very fake "lol") and he responds "You're so smart and beautiful, what would I do without you?" Most girls would find this a compliment. Me - NO. Don't patronize me on a bipolar day you fuck. JESUS CHRIST. OH - AND BY THE WAY - I HATE YOUR FUCKING DOG. Men with small dogs should all be wiped off the face of this fucking earth. PERIOD. Next time you call your fucking shit sized dog an "angel" I am going to vomit on you. And tell that little bitch thanks for the two pee spots she put on my mothers fucking white carpeting yesterday. I told you to watch your fucking dog but apparently your GOD DAMN phone was more important. FUCK YOU. OH AND THANK YOU for mentioning how you have dropped 16 pounds in a week in a half when I can't seem to loose five in a month. Way to cheer my up you asshole.

Item 2. My compulsion to look at my cell phone.

Before my best ED friend Clementine went into the army we would text each other non-stop all day every day. She has been gone for a little over 4 months now. We still talk and text but rarely. Apparently she went into the army to "get her life together" which means becoming a complete drunk and blowing coke up her nose every weekend off base. ANOTHER DUMB ASS. I condone these activities but not in the army. DUH. And for some reason I still find myself checking my phone like every 5 seconds for a text. HI - NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT HOW YOU ARE DOING TODAY.  I need to realize that.

Item 3. My mother. In so many forms I cannot express.

I love my mom. She "means well." But god damn if she brings home one more item of food for me I think I might rob a gun store and Go Lane Bryant on her ass and anyone within 20 feet of me. Including the fridge. Last night she brings home 2 baked potatoes from work. OH GREAT - thanks for the fucking carbs mom. Like this kangaroo pouch needs that starchy devil. UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Item 4. Being broke 200% of the time.

I would love nothing more than to go home and get drunk on tequila in my bed while watching something on TV or Netflix. BUT NO. I have approximately $23.72 to my name for the next 4 days. I still have the $200.00 in my drawer from fucker AKA Dennis but like previously stated: that is for credit cards only. I am not budging on that no matter how pissed/sad/happy I am. Who knows.....if this mood keeps on escalating like it has today I may just say fuck it all and buy the damn tequila with the rest of my money. I can get a fifth. Happy weekend to me? I think so.

Item 5. Hiding drugs when you are on drugs = WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY DRUGS??

I stole 5 oxy's from Eric. Yeah yeah yeah I'm a POS. Whatthefuckever. I came home on Sunday fucked up on percocets and hid them somewhere in my room. I have been saving them all week for this weekend in hopes of me not eating shit food like last weekend. I do not eat when I am high on pills. It just dawned on my dumb ass today that I have no fucking clue where I hid them. I believe it is possible they might be in this one drawer. MIGHT is a strong word. If I go home and they are not there I 1. Have no clue where they are and 2. Will go ape shit tearing apart everything trying to find them. Please Jesus Christ (whoever you are) let them be in that drawer. I wish my mother was cool enough to call: "Hi mom, It's me. Can you check this makeup drawer in my room for my Oxi's? I wanna make sure I am good and fucked up this weekend so I can starve. Thanks Mom. *giggle* Yeah, I Love You Too." (Insert dream world)


****Side Note: I just checked my cell phone. AGAIN. I seriously just need to throw the thing away****


I can't think of any more items. My head is pounding. I can't wait until I get home. I'm thinking that tequila is definitely in my future. I also just remembered I have a bedroom that is a complete disaster. Jesus Christ I wanted to just lay in bed, drunk and crying. Maybe I still will. I could always clean it tomorrow before Eric gets me. Or just stay home all together and not go see him. So many possibilities.

I'm so depressed. These are the days when taking the bus home really sucks the big one. I wish i could just get in my car and blast sad music and cry. Instead I get to choke down tears for the two hours it takes for me to get home.

FMFL.

I hate myself....I don't think that will ever change.

Thank you everyone for your nice comments on my last two posts. I am sorry I never got around to making the meal plan and posting it. Caring for Eric was kinda a full time job.....but I guess I am making excuses for myself yet again. I did manage to take his dog for a 45 minutes walk on Sunday because I was going simply batty stuck in that house all weekend with such nice weather. I guess we are having out "Indian Summer" as they call it. Last few weird weeks of warmth before the snow storms begin. YUCK.

I have extremely depressing news to report. This is why I haven't blogged in the past two days. I am SO FAT it is not funny. Staying with Eric over the weekend totally fucked my weight up and now everyday I have been in crazy binge mode. I WAS DOING SO FUCKING WELL for a minute. God Damn. I don't even want to tell you guys my weight but I know it will shame me enough to get back on track.

151.

Yep. I'm a fat fucking pathetic piece of shit.

I have to run but promise to catch up on all your blogs and post more tomorrow.  

Excuse me, Nurse Betty, You're Fat is Hanging out.........

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF ????

I have stayed the weekend at Eric's house taking care of him and despite some HEAVY cleaning and going up and down his flight of stairs like every ten minutes........I have done some serious damage to my weight. I could have used this weekend to loose some, but no. As usual I engorge my fat face on dumb food simply because I am in a good mood when I'm around him and "oh well it doesnt matter." FuckmeI'mserious. His scale keeps saying 145 but its an old step scale not a digital and well frankly I don't even trust the doctor's scale so it means nothing. And oh what - GREAT I maintained again.........I need to stop being so god damn happy about that. I need to fucking loose this weigth and get on with this Halloween challenge I joined. It's already Oct 9th and I STILL haven't lost one pound towards the 135 goal. So I have 22 days left counting today. I already ate two pieces of toast with chive n onion cream cheese. The toast about 140 and the cream cheese....who knows. I smeared it on like it was going out of style. FUCK. So as I am typing this I was thinking about just starting "fresh" tomorrow but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH with this "tomorrow" garbage. So okay fine. I need to deal with the toast and have a successful day for the remainder. You'd think with Eric's surgery I would be eating less but no. I am eating only when he does but eating what he does......which is basically carbs. Oatmeal, mashed potatoes, soups, ice cream and noodles of various assortments. Oh and pancakes. I think eggs is like the only have decent thing Ive eaten all weekend. I did make mashed salmon and broccoli yesterday in a positive attempt but it was still pretty hard for him to eat so I ended up eating basically all of it. Fucking yay.........
We already decided that lunch today is SURPRISE: noodles. With butter. Shit. He still has some frozen broccoli left so I think I will make that and maybe have just a half cup noodles with him. Yeah yeah I know I shouldn't eat any. I tried be prepared to eat this whole weekend while his house but when we went to Walmart to buy groceries Eric was in a lot of pain and I didn't have time to browse the aisles as I thought I would. I ended up with a can of Mushroom soup and a can of corn......

(I read just that last blurb about Walmart...EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES. SO WHAT if I couldn't roam Walmart. SO WHAT if Eric wants noodles. I don't have to eat that shit and I know it. SHAME ON ME. God damn when will I ever just get my god damn shit together?????

God my weight is driving me nuts. I know my scale at home would probably read in the 150's. I really fucking did it this time didn't I??

I just looked up my cal intake requirements to actually loose ten pounds this month. According to the sight I am supposed to consume 1782 cals a day. (Yeah right I never do...even this weekend). My output is supposed to be 1575 daily so basically I can only keep 207 calories in my body per day. With that said....I need to come up with a SERIOUS meal plan and def pick up a shit ton of green veggies when Eric and I go shopping later. I looove green veggies so that wont be too much of a challenge; the worst of it is just dealing with all the god damn shit food my mother constantly brings home for me. I wish she would just stop that shit.

I can so do this. Despite the negative feelings running through my head right now I know I will never make it if I don't have a little faith in myself. I will post my meal plan in a bit after I create it on an Excel spreadsheet.......I love making spreadsheets :)

<3

Disappointed.......

I just realized that October 15th is Sweetest Day. God Damn u Hallmark Holidays. I had to cancel on my rave plans. :'( So pissed right now. We rescheduled for another party November 4th. A pre-birthday, "Not Your Birthday" party as we are calling it. I fucking HATE my birthday. On my actual day of birth I am sitting in the dark, in my house, alone with a fifth of tequila. I already asked my intrusive mother to be elsewhere at the crack of dawn until noon the next day. Eric is also aware that he will not be seeing me. Everyone thinks I'm being completely ridiculous but I DO NOT FUCKING CARE. Isn't it MY birthday? Didn't you ask me what I WANTED TO DO? So I told you. Now get over it.

I am not unpacking that outfit. I will be wearing it to the underground that wonderful night of November 4th. I don't care who or what happens or comes up I am NOT CANCELING on Sean for the millionth time. The sky could be crying acid and I'll walk there. DONE DEAL.

Peridot - hahahah I totally thought you were calling me that but didn't take it offensive at all! Hilarious!! I do feel quite a fool now though that I misunderstood hahaha. Oh well. Thanks for the advice about Dennis and the good wishes to Eric. I'm sorry you found a mouse in your room. Eww.....let us know how the whole "jar mouse" thing goes LOL.

Run - Thanks for the good wishes for Eric also. <3 I know exactly how you feel about the laxatives....I used to feel the same way when I took them. Like a god damn kid in a candy store every time I went to purchase more. Eyy.....us ED girls are quite messed up hahah. I love it.

To update you all: Eric's surgery went great. He is in a lot of pain but I suppose is handleing it as well as possible. He informed me that apparently he is a big fat baby when he gets sick or injured so I guess I will be the judge of his manliness when I see him for the first time this weekend. Assuming this creeping up cold I have doesn't lash out at me. If that happens I cant see him at all. :( Too much risk for infection. I'm doing everything in my power to stay well. As of now its only a minor sore throat. No coughing or such. We shall see.


To ramble for a moment.......I wish there was a thing called "insta-weight flash" (yeah I just made that awesome name up). Like when I look at myself in the mirror I cannot imagine what I would look like 20 pounds lighter. I just can't do it. All I see is FAT FAT FAT. Now...if this insta thing worked it would go as so: You stand naked in the mirror and for like 30 seconds or so your weight would drop to whatever you desired so you could see what you will look like at the goal weight. Then your weight would go back to normal (unfortunately). I think if I could actually see what I would look like 20 pounds lighter I would be much more inspired. Have more drive to get out there and RUN RUN RUN everyday no matter what. I just get so discouraged by my reflection sometimes I just want to break every shinny surface in my house. Except the wine glasses.....lol. Wouldn't that be great? If we could just get a flash of what we desired? Maybe a loud booming voice from above that told us what we needed to do everyday to get there? I have no clue how to activate the flash of where the voice comes from but shit. That's why it's called make believe. It doesn't have to make sense.


I am really sick of my bosses sister popping fucking popcorn. I would be okay with this but it's the fact that I have it in this office so the smell makes me wanna dive into my side of the food cabinet and join her. SHIT. I won't do it. I am still only on those kidney beans, have an hour left of work and if I can make it I'm not eating shit at home. I cannot find my last pack of Bronk's so I have no helper to get me through......I need a plan......ok:


* Walk two miles home
* Change all bedding and wash out any germies
* Do 30 mins strength.
* Attempt Sumo Exercises as directed by Lou
* Paint nails
* Take Hot Bath


Fuck the bath I'll have to scrub out the tub when I'm done. Shower it is.

Have a THIN evening. <3

You've Been Officially Curb Kicked

Woke up 143.9. Yay.....finally recovering from being a Pizza Slut ........as Peridot so cutely worded it. :)

Last night was interesting. After a maddening conversation with Dennis I kicked his sorry ass to the curb. GOD what the hell was I thinking. I will NEVER cheat on ANYONE ever again. I hate myself for going back on my own beliefs over stupid money. Not that it makes it any better but I'm glad it only happened once. I would love to kick my own ass right now.

After the convo with him I was quite pissed. I let my madness get the best of me and instead of working out I ended up getting a half pint of tequila, blasted angry chic music and spent the next two hours dancing around like a fucking psychopath in front of my mirror. God I LOVE doing that. :) If I could of kept the booze out of it I would have burned cals, lol. Oh well. I also put some laundry away that I had forgotten about in my spare bedroom so that felt accomplishing.

I have a rave I am going to October 15th with a very good gay friend of mine. Sean. I love him to death. He's always been one of my best friends, best partiers and a big brother to me. In midst of my tipsiness I realized I still hadn't decided what I was going to wear. I didn't want to spend any money so I whipped this together. Add a few glow sticks and accessories and I'm good to go. I may add an extra tank top as well. Let me know what you think.

I also took some body pics this morning:

Fucking GROSS!!!



Pathetic Excuse for a Spine

Egh......what the hell do I do about that hip fat? I know I just started working out but I don't ever think I will be able to get rid of that shit. It's so frustrating. If anyone knows of some good links to back fat exercises let me know PWEEEZE. :) My thighs as you can plainly see are also YUCK. uuuugh. I swear. I am blessed with the torso of my mother and cursed with the lower region of my father. Including that flat ass. I am constantly torn about the ass. NO - I don't want it. Ass = FAT. But YES - I want it so my god damn jeans stop flashing my ass crack every time I bend over. It would just be nice to have an ass proportionate to my exceedingly large hips. It is so hard to find jeans that fit, fat or skinny.

Today I have had half a cup of coffee and some kidney beans. About 200 cals. I walked into work today ready to pass out since I hadn't eaten since 1pm yesterday so I allowed some food. Finished my beans from yesterday hoping that eating the carbs early would give me a better chance of them being burned off and not sticking to my disgusting body. Who ever really knows?

Stay beautiful. Please leave comments on the pictures! Harsh words only help me!!

So bored.....and semi worried.....and a whore.

I am soooo fucking bored at work. I can't wait until tax season hits and shit starts picking up around here.  Don't get me wrong......its great sitting on my fat ass facebooking, blogging and watching movies all day but boredom leads to thinking about food. Which fucking sucks.

So far I have eaten one pear and 8oz of kidney beans. I took a Bronkaid and nothing. My tolerance is starting to rise and I need to start uping my dosages. I only have like 16 left. I really need to order some on Amazon. I am just too broke to buy them. Okay so I have 200 dollars that Dennis gave me but I SWORE to myself that any of his money I received was to use towards my credit card debt only. I'm not cheating on my boyfriend to by stupid shit. I'm doing it to get my life on track so maybe I can ACTUALLY HAVE A GOOD ONE. I know - my reasoning is garbage and totally off whack.

Eric had his surgery today at 1pm. It is now 4pm. It's a 20 minute procedure. I am sure he is all fucked up on the drugs that knocked him out but god damn. I thought I would have heard from him by now. It sucks that I have only met his family a few times so I didn't get a call from his mom or anything. We aren't on that level yet. I'm sure he is just fine but shit happens ya know? Anesthesia can kill a person! I worry about the chemicals more than the actual surgery itself. But who am I to say anything??? I have plans to fuck another man the day of my wonderful boyfriends surgery. I should be shot in the fucking head. Any takers?

The only reason I hope Dennis comes by tonight is so I don't eat.....at least it gives me an extra hour or two of forced control. I don't even want the sex. As soon as he leaves who knows what will happen. The guilt inside me is terrible. I can't believe I am doing this to Eric. And the money isn't even good. But I'm so desperate. I don't know what to do. I wonder if Dennis feels guilty for cheating on his wife? I might just ask him tonight. I imagine he will say no.....he just seems like that type of guy. I know no one that reads this gives a shit....but technically this is my blog/journal so.....yeah. I continue.....I don't know how to bring this money thing up. It shames me enough that I'm even doing this. That my life has come to this. Jesus Christ my parents didn't raise me to be such a fuck up.

Egh......he's texting me right now.....and so is Eric. Eric is fine thank god. And I'm a huge closet whore.

FML

Last night was a success......but the scale definately hates me. :(

Before I begin I would like to reply to some people since my Blogger still is fucking up.

Slimarific - In regards to your post today: Congrats on the waiting list and the grant!! Most people would just be pissed about not getting the job (myself lol) so it's nice to see someone pull a positive from a negative. I'm glad the money will help you out. Maybe if you do some more searching you can find some more :)

Peridot - HAHAHAH I fucking love you. Your comment to my last post yesterday really put a smile on my face. I love how you called me a pizza slut.  Some might be offended by this but I most certainly am not. Cheers to you. :) I feel we are very similar in life outside of the Internet. And eww about your Pizza Hut experience. Double fail there. I will def keep that in mind every time I see that damn red hat looking symbol of theres.

To continue.......so last night I get home and immediately weigh : 147.2 WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!? In a fit of rage and borderline cry fest I changed into workout clothes and hit the streets. Ran / walked two miles. I did push myself as hard as I possibly could so I like to think I ran more than I walked. With me quitting smoking I have been hacking up a lot of gross shit and running seems to loosen that even more so running has been EXTREMELY painful in my lungs. Like pain I never experienced before. God I can only imagine what a heart attack feels like. Yuck. After my run I kept my sweaty clothes on and did some strength. 100 ab exercises, 150 on each legs and 75 per arm. My arms are incredibly weak so you will notice I always have the least reps in that area. After that I cleaned my entire room. Laundry, vacuumed, dusted etc. I was too tired to calculate the estimated calories burned. Still not really caring about it as long as I worked out. Ended the night eating 3/4 cup potato salad, puked it up and went to bed by 10:30. I totally blowed off my AA meeting but whatthefuckever. It's not like I'm getting my license back anytime soon (3+ years) and that's the whole point why I go so egh. And let's face it.....if I went there was no way in hell I woulda got my lazy tired fat ass to do some exercise. I will shoot for better next Tuesday.

I woke up this morning and weighed 145.2. UGGGHHHH. So not happy. If I'm not 140 by Monday I'm doing something crazy. Just haven't decided what yet. I'm open for suggestions.

God DAMN. My mini heater under my desk just went out. Probably over heated. Now I get to sit here and shiver because my boss likes to keep the heat setting on "Antarctica." Blast his fucking high blood pressure.

So far I have eaten nothing. Probably will take a Bronk soon cuz despite seeing my disgusting scale number I feel food weak. I had a Diet Sunkist for breakfast.....yeah I know I know.....diet pop makes us fat. But in my opinion is was a better choice then my usual morning toast. : / I brought two pears and a can of reduce sodium kidney beans. The calorie content is horrific but I need more Fiber....if you get what I'm saying. I stopped abusing laxatives a few months ago and have still not fully recovered. So beans it is.

Dennis is supposed to come over today.....meh. Not even excited about it for some reason. I am getting irritated because he is making a lot of suggestions (things I wont even put on here) for things he wants us to do sexually with out showing me the $$$. Bastard. I need to just talk with him yet AGAIN about this but I hate doing it in person. Awkward for sure. This is so beneath my standards. Serves me right getting involved in "business" with a long term family friend.

Well my fat ass is off. I'll probably post later out of boredom. I love all you bitches. <3

Feeling like a fat piece of shit........

I have no clue what my weight is after that morning breakfast........

I have managed to keep to my word and haven't eaten a bite since then. Took some vitamins, Tylenol and  second bronkaid. Almost caved today over a bag of microwave popcorn. Stayed strong though. I hate how my dad leaves food in the office for me after he goes back to Florida. That's his popcorn. Egh.

I am really hoping for 143 when I get home. All I can do is thinking about jogging my fat ass around the neighborhood. But it's only 4:45. I still have a 1.5 hour bus ride, a hour meeting and a two mile walk before I get home. I have like zero energy. I blame this on the lack of food. Usually I would be okay but eating this weekend and yesterday has made me weak again. Fucking frack. I'm thinking of running downstairs for a pop. Maybe the artificial sugar will help? I'm not so sure.......

I'm worried about what to expect when I get home...meaning my mother and the fridge. I have told her over and over again to STOP bringing me food home. She does it everyday still. Then yells at me for not eating it and wasting food. THEN STOP BRINGING IT HOME. God damn it's not that complicated.

14 minutes left until I can get out of this god forsaken office. I am hoping my bus is not late again today. It was yesterday. If that happens I miss my second bus I transfer to and I'm stuck for an hour and a half until the next one. The stop is located in the mall loop....which is nice because I have places to explore to kill the time. But who wants to shop when they're fat and broke? Certainly not me. There is a Target in the loop as well. I do need some new toiletries so I guess it wouldn't be so bad.....but there's a fucking pizza hut in the Target....and food. Like pop tarts. Fuck. I could just walk and circle the mall parking lot over and over until the bus comes. Burn cals. YES. That's what I will do. Maybe go running into target like my hair is on fire. Get my shit and GET OUT. I don't really trust myself or anything I am even typing right now. I guess we will just see what happens. And I'll update tomorrow.

Wish me luck, I really need it right now........

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME???

I dont know what the FFFFFF is going on but I am so fed up. Some blogs I follow I can post comments on...other's the just disappear after I hit "submit." I have gone into Blogger help as well and nothing they suggest is working. Any suggestions??

Skeleton Strong & Peridot........your blogs are two of the few that I am having issues with. Have my comments been appearing? I am sad that I cannot see them :(

HELLO LOVELIES!!! Been missing you!! Pics and Updates.

Sorry I have been MIA the last week.....just been...well I'm not going to give the "busy" excuse......just haven't blogged I suppose.

So I did a mini workout the 30th while I baked as planned...Dennis never came over which was actually a blessing in disguise because I got a lot of house cleaning done (burned cals yay!) and got the cakes baked for Eric. While they baked I did a mini 30 minute strength workout: 10min arms, 10min legs, 10min stomach. I have not worked out since though (shame shame) but I am not just giving it up. I wasn't home the whole weekend due to birthday festivities for Eric but I did manage to stay in control through all the eating and drinking that took place. Sunday I weighed in at 143.2 :) I WANT TO BE A SKINNY BITCH. Far away as of yet.......

Eric's Birthday party Saturday was really fun. I seriously love his friends. Minus a mini fight Eric and I got into at 3am over a coral reef tank (it was so dumb I won't even explain) everything went great. Got drunk on Jameson and Coors Light. Met some new people. Played bags and had a bonfire. Here is some pics:



Dave, Me and Eric........wasted, in case you couldn't tell. Lol.



Eric & I



Last night and this morning were EPIC fails as far as eating went. Eric has his tonsils and adenoids surgery tomorrow at 2 pm so he wanted to have a "Last Supper." I originally thought we were cooking at home so I wasn't so stressed about it because I would have control in the kitchen. WRONG. He ended up wanting to order a deep dish pizza and to top it off a fried veggie basket appetizer. Egh. He asked if I could please ignore my "diet" and just enjoy a meal with him. So I did. And man......I couldn't help myself. Ate TWO pieces of stuffed pizza (which I still don't understand how I managed to do that without a mid-purge) and like 3 onion rings, 3 mushrooms and four broccoli pieces.....all dipped in ranch. Topped that off with three oatmeal chocolate chip cookies his gma made him. And about half a 2 Liter of Diet Pepsi.....Yikes.....I know ladies. I am, however, blessed with incredible purging abilities. I have some friends who have a VERY hard time throwing up. I believe due to me growing up with food allergies I have it mastered. I can literally vomit on command if someone asked me. Seriously.....I have done it before. So after my huge pig out session I purged it up, weighed, and was still at 143.something. Sweet. YES - I did waste a whole day to loose weight but at least I didn't gain after that. And I did feel bad for my bf and his shitty surgery coming up so whatever.....I guess? LOL.

THEN.........more destruction happened.

As Eric and I are lying in bed getting ready for the new House season premiere (FUCKING LOVE HOUSE) he looks over at me and says...

Him: "Hey, since I'm driving you to work tomorrow, wanna get breakfast?"

Me: (Jesus fucking christ man, are u trying to kill me?) "Um....yeah that fine we can stop at Panera or something and grab a bagel on the way."

Him: "No I mean like go to a restaurant, ya know, like we used to when we first started dating?"

Me: (Fucking fuck shit.) "Yeah that's fine hun, I know you will be missing breakfast foods so I guess I can manage. (Complete words of bullshit.)

SOO.......yeah. We went to breakfast this morning. Another purge session followed. I haven't been able to weigh. If I am one ounce over 144 I will bust a cap in someone. I've worked harder than ever this past two weeks to finally get under 145. On the flip side of all of this, I imagine Eric having surgery will be extremely beneficial to my waist line, assuming I have no at  home binges alone. I plan on eating only what he can. Soup. Jello. Broth. etc. I do love my morning toast so  I won't be giving that up. This tonsil diet will really help out for the Halloween challenge I'm doing :)

Otherwise everything else is as "normal." Moods been pretty ok I suppose considering life in general. Tonight's plan is AA meeting and then a mini workout. Hopefully I can get my disaster of a room in order as well. Took a Bronkaid so I'm not eating shit all day at work after that breakfast mess this morning. I will allow some broccoli for dinner if need be.

Have a fab day ladies.

P.S. Just when I thought I had watched every ED movie alive I stumbled across "Kate's Secret" on youtube. Check it out if you feel inclined....... :)