Nightime Binging & Christmas

Binged again last night. DAMN. Why can't I stop this vortex!! I ate two kinds of chips, a few boiled carrots and a veggie burger. Then woke up in the middle of the night and ate two pieces of cold pizza. I am never going to loose weight this sucks. I do sooo well during the day and then destroy it all in the middle of the night. Does anyone have some goods tips for me?? I feel I've tried everything!!

Eric's step scale said 144?? I think. Damn rotary. I seriously need something digital over there.

I HAVE TO LOOSE 15 by January 1st. 10 by Christmas. I know I have the will power to do it I just need to get this night eating shit settled. I decided maybe until I get 100% back into fasting mode maybe it would help to eat some veggies during the day so I don't wake up starving in the middle of the night. It's so disgusting that I actually get woken up by hunger. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

I'm getting anxious about Christmas. I know I still have four weeks, and I have gotten about 1/3 of my shopping done already, but I am still having anxious and having obsessive thoughts. I do this with everything in my life that is "coming up." If I have a party I have to cook for I stress for weeks; if I have a night out coming up I stress about what I'll wear; Corporate xmas cards need to go out and I'm stressing about the fact that I don't have them in the mail yet. I know I am being silly and have plenty of time to always accomplish what I need to get done but no matter how many times I tell myself to relax I just simply cannot. All in all I cannot wait until the holidays are over. Shopping and eating combined. YUCK. The only thing I like about the holidays is getting to spend time with family. I know it's tradition and all to exchange gifts but I don't see why we have to. Everyone in my family is super tight with money and we are all grown ups now. Christmas is about presents when your 5, not 25, at least not to me. Every year I end up spending about 600 or so between gifts, wrapping supplies and Christmas cards. Even with being an extreme bargain shopper it's STILL 600 DOLLARS, ya know? Call me selfish and a scrooge, but when I total my receipts after all shopping is complete I get a sick feeling in my stomach: "Man, I could of used that money to pay my credit card/loan/medical/legal/car payment." God, I know I must sound HORRIBLE. Does anyone understand how I feel? I wanna shower friends and family with gifts; I love shopping for people. But I'm just so broke and I literally had to start saving money three months ago just to get by with shopping this year. AND I still don't have enough to buy for everyone who is deserving. "Way to go" money for always being the pit fall of the holidays. I hate how the world revolves around it!!

Today I am only on one coffee but its only 11 am. I guess technically I am on two slices of pizza too cuz I ate them at 3 am. Frick. I have no real plans for the evening. Eric is probably me up from the bus. What I would like to do is go tanning, get a haircut and hang out with my dog for a bit. Maybe do some cleaning of my bed room. We shall see. The haircut and the tanning are the only things that might not happen. Eric will probably give me a ride though. DAMN NEEDING RIDES.

Ya know what?? As I typed that last sentence about rides it dawned on my.......I need to stop being so damn lazy. So what i walk two miles to work? So what it its cold? Jewish people went through horribly unspeakable things during WW2 and still survived, you would think i could walk my lazy ass two miles to get my shit done. God I am spoiled!!! OK, "ambitious" goals for tonight:

1. Walk 1.8 miles home from bus.
2. Wash face, change and walk to hair salon
3. Tan after haircut (the places are next store to one another)
4. Walk back home.
5. Clean room.

Wish me luck....I am sooo lazy, lol.

Stay Lovely <3