UUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No success to report. Fucking awesome. Weekend fucking sucked. Huge three way fight between Eric, my mom and myself Saturday. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY ERIC. We are all psychos so feel free to exit stage left when you feel like it. FUCK. Long story short: Eric and I patched things up, my mom (despite my love for her) can go fuck herself for the millionth time and I am moving the fuck out by March 1st.....with Eric. GREAAAAATTTT.
I am happy with Eric now, I really am. I grow fonder of him each day as time passes and the little things that irritated me I am letting go of. Besides the dog.......although I have been more accepting of her lately as well. Although Eric and I have a "pretty good" relationship, we have only been dating for 5 months and the thought of moving in together scares the shit outta me. Especially with ED. Yes, I have purged at his house before but I have never binged there and if we live together he will find me out. And what if our toilet at the new place sucks??? My worst nightmare!!! He will find out how even more fucked up I am than he already knows. And GOD. How embarrassing. It's one thing to be Ana but it's another thing to sit there and say "YES - I like to shove food down my throat at lightening speed, followed by endless diet coke so I can haul ass to the bathroom and puke so I can feel 1% better about fucking existing." JESUS - I wish I had ANA will power. The only thing positive about living with Eric is I will be buying my own food so I can choose what I want and will barely have any money for it. Living with my mother means I currently have food ALWAYS and usually there is a nice array of shit I shouldn't eat. FUCK THAT. I am totally going back to the vegan lifestyle. So as always I have made a plan. I love but hate making them because I always fail at them. Here it is:
1. Hit 135 by Christmas
2. START FUCKING TANNING
3. Start running, preferably to the TANNING BED. Two birds, one stone.
4. Master fasting, ultimately ridding of BP 90 to 100 percent.
5. Use my god damn resistance kit and tone up this flabby body
I'm not going past 5 goal because the thought of my even keeping one is HUGE.
I have no clue what I weigh. I'm still to scared. I need to just do it already to get some perspective. I will weigh tomorrow and let you all know where I'm at. I haven't eaten laxatives in along time but I am thinking about going on a laxative/Bronkaid 48 hour binge. Clean out. If I'm lucky it will get me to 140 and I can work uphill (down weight lol) from there. I just have to get to the store. If I go to class tonight I can pull it off.......hmmmmm........
Depression is still high. Morale low. Surprise surprise. My urges to cut have been creeping up. If it wasn't for the fact that I am hopeful that one day, just maybe, I might be thin and able to show my body off I would probably resemble a cutting board again. I have a new method of "self harm" that keep me going. Every time I feel the urge I just dig my nails as deep as I can into my arms and tear the skin off. Deep scratches I suppose. It works. I might go back to bruising too but we will see. So far no one has noticed except Eric. He asked me one day during Thanksgiving day weekend what happened to my arm and I was drinking tequila and didn't give a fuck so I was just told him its a defense mechanism. In reality it is a defense from cutting and crying. I told him just about the crying e.g. I was in class and they made me talk about my DUI so I dug my nails into my arm so I wouldn't cry in front of the guys and get embarrassed. That is a totally true story though so I guess I'm only half lying?? Whatever I don't care anyways.......
Well I am going to catch up on blogs, look at thinspo and who the hell else knows at work today. I hope you are doing well and I am sooo thankful everyday to have you girls in my life. Love you Run, Kitty, Peridot and Josie13!!
 |
| I seem to be already doing this.....ugh |
No success to report. Fucking awesome. Weekend fucking sucked. Huge three way fight between Eric, my mom and myself Saturday. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY ERIC. We are all psychos so feel free to exit stage left when you feel like it. FUCK. Long story short: Eric and I patched things up, my mom (despite my love for her) can go fuck herself for the millionth time and I am moving the fuck out by March 1st.....with Eric. GREAAAAATTTT.
I am happy with Eric now, I really am. I grow fonder of him each day as time passes and the little things that irritated me I am letting go of. Besides the dog.......although I have been more accepting of her lately as well. Although Eric and I have a "pretty good" relationship, we have only been dating for 5 months and the thought of moving in together scares the shit outta me. Especially with ED. Yes, I have purged at his house before but I have never binged there and if we live together he will find me out. And what if our toilet at the new place sucks??? My worst nightmare!!! He will find out how even more fucked up I am than he already knows. And GOD. How embarrassing. It's one thing to be Ana but it's another thing to sit there and say "YES - I like to shove food down my throat at lightening speed, followed by endless diet coke so I can haul ass to the bathroom and puke so I can feel 1% better about fucking existing." JESUS - I wish I had ANA will power. The only thing positive about living with Eric is I will be buying my own food so I can choose what I want and will barely have any money for it. Living with my mother means I currently have food ALWAYS and usually there is a nice array of shit I shouldn't eat. FUCK THAT. I am totally going back to the vegan lifestyle. So as always I have made a plan. I love but hate making them because I always fail at them. Here it is:
1. Hit 135 by Christmas
2. START FUCKING TANNING
3. Start running, preferably to the TANNING BED. Two birds, one stone.
4. Master fasting, ultimately ridding of BP 90 to 100 percent.
5. Use my god damn resistance kit and tone up this flabby body
I'm not going past 5 goal because the thought of my even keeping one is HUGE.
I have no clue what I weigh. I'm still to scared. I need to just do it already to get some perspective. I will weigh tomorrow and let you all know where I'm at. I haven't eaten laxatives in along time but I am thinking about going on a laxative/Bronkaid 48 hour binge. Clean out. If I'm lucky it will get me to 140 and I can work uphill (down weight lol) from there. I just have to get to the store. If I go to class tonight I can pull it off.......hmmmmm........
Depression is still high. Morale low. Surprise surprise. My urges to cut have been creeping up. If it wasn't for the fact that I am hopeful that one day, just maybe, I might be thin and able to show my body off I would probably resemble a cutting board again. I have a new method of "self harm" that keep me going. Every time I feel the urge I just dig my nails as deep as I can into my arms and tear the skin off. Deep scratches I suppose. It works. I might go back to bruising too but we will see. So far no one has noticed except Eric. He asked me one day during Thanksgiving day weekend what happened to my arm and I was drinking tequila and didn't give a fuck so I was just told him its a defense mechanism. In reality it is a defense from cutting and crying. I told him just about the crying e.g. I was in class and they made me talk about my DUI so I dug my nails into my arm so I wouldn't cry in front of the guys and get embarrassed. That is a totally true story though so I guess I'm only half lying?? Whatever I don't care anyways.......
Well I am going to catch up on blogs, look at thinspo and who the hell else knows at work today. I hope you are doing well and I am sooo thankful everyday to have you girls in my life. Love you Run, Kitty, Peridot and Josie13!!
<3
2 comments:
I found the best way to stop cutting or hurting yourself that leaves scars is to pluck out hair. And I don't mean your hair on your head or eyelashes; I mean legs, armpits, or bikini line. It works well for me because no one will know you do it and it gets rid of hair too. What a bonus!
Man, self harm. That used to be one of my WORST habits...and seven years later I still have all the nasty ugly scars, which people still notice sometimes (especially my boyfriend who I've never told about it). Back when I was trying to kick the habit I used to go for a run or something whenever I had the urge to cut. It worked because the flood of endorphins made me feel better, AND I lost some weight.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is stay strong, try and fight it. Good luck and feel better! You're beautiful and you don't deserve whatever pain you want to inflict upon yourself.
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