Greasy.Fat.Sad.Pale. Yay Me.

I am disgusting today. I woke up late for work and did not have time to shower. Yuck. However this is totally my fault. With the depression on the rise I basically have zero desire to ever get out of bed. Not even for work and work is the one positive thing I have going for myself. I hate waking up at five. I hate walking two miles to the bus stop in 25F weather. What makes it the worst is that my lifestyle is like this because I am a complete fuck up. I had everything I wanted and I took advantage of it. Now all I have is me, my fat and my depression. Oh and my job. Thank god for the job I guess. I'm blessed for that, I really am.

I have a tanning package that I pay for monthly. I never go. Yet I pay. The place is only a mile from my house but I am always too lazy or too busy to go. I need to change that. I think some tanning would help me emotionally. Plus my skin has been sucking so tanning would fix that in a jiffy. I just hate asking people for rides for dumb shit like that. UGH. Maybe I should just stop caring and ask for rides.....

Tonight I have to meet up with Eric and my friend Steve for birthday drinks. And Dinner. Fuck. I am so broke and so fat and so sad I just want to cancel. But Steve said he had a present for me and his birthday was yesterday so I arranged a little meet up after work. What makes it even better is we are going to a place I used to work at. I haven't stepped foot in that place since I walked out. I am over seeing my ex boss, I just hope I don't see anyone I know. I hate seeing people from my past. Everyone always asks the typical questions about current life: where are you working? School? Boyfriend? Blah blah blah??? It's embarrassing because everyone is going places in life and I have done nothing but fuck mine up since the last time I saw everyone. Totally fucking humiliating.

I think I am going to cancel....I just text Eric and am waiting for his input. Yeah...probably gunna cancel. I just can't do it.

Today I have eaten.......nothing. I have no clue what I weigh. I'm too scared to step on the scale.

I could just cry right now. Thinking about having to take the bus home is disgusting me. I am so tired of my life. I wish I was strong enough to just end it already.