Was forced to eat dinner last night by the bf. Two beers and a 1/3 of a salad. No dressing. The beers were my fault but I wanted them to keep from a fucking panic attack. Still - weak and pathetic move. I purged the salad and the booze.
That was followed by us finishing our Christmas shopping. I had a throbbing head and stomach ache when I got home. Went straight to bed. Woke up at 3 am to eat a sandwich and some chips. WTF. I swear to god in the middle of the night I don't even have any concept of what I am doing. It's like I'm not asleep, but not awake either. I eat and don't even think about the fact that I'm fasting. That I have a fucking goal I am trying to achieve. This is a constant reoccuring issue of mine. I wake up in the morning to see the plate on my night stand I break out in a sweat. I wanna die as I head across the hall where IT is waiting. The fucking scale.
143.8.
I've been crying all morning. I don't know how to get outta the 3 am binge mode. I fucking hate it. I do so well during the day and it always gets ruined by a half concious eat fest. I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I feel like I'm dying inside. My whole life is a god damn joke. I'm such a fuck up in every area and I try to excel in at least one god damn thing and I can't. I keep telling myself: well if you suck at everything else, at leats you can be good at starving. WRONG. I am a complete waste of fucking oxygen. I'm so tired of waking up every day to see my fat ugly reflection. My teeth that are wearing away. My hair that is falling out. My cracked and split ugly finger nails. I just wish I had enough balls to try and take my own life again. The first, second and third attempts didn't work because people found my lifeless bodies. WHY? WHY did they have to find me?? Don't they know by saving me they are actually killing me??
I can't go one like this anymore.....I just can't
That was followed by us finishing our Christmas shopping. I had a throbbing head and stomach ache when I got home. Went straight to bed. Woke up at 3 am to eat a sandwich and some chips. WTF. I swear to god in the middle of the night I don't even have any concept of what I am doing. It's like I'm not asleep, but not awake either. I eat and don't even think about the fact that I'm fasting. That I have a fucking goal I am trying to achieve. This is a constant reoccuring issue of mine. I wake up in the morning to see the plate on my night stand I break out in a sweat. I wanna die as I head across the hall where IT is waiting. The fucking scale.
143.8.
I've been crying all morning. I don't know how to get outta the 3 am binge mode. I fucking hate it. I do so well during the day and it always gets ruined by a half concious eat fest. I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I feel like I'm dying inside. My whole life is a god damn joke. I'm such a fuck up in every area and I try to excel in at least one god damn thing and I can't. I keep telling myself: well if you suck at everything else, at leats you can be good at starving. WRONG. I am a complete waste of fucking oxygen. I'm so tired of waking up every day to see my fat ugly reflection. My teeth that are wearing away. My hair that is falling out. My cracked and split ugly finger nails. I just wish I had enough balls to try and take my own life again. The first, second and third attempts didn't work because people found my lifeless bodies. WHY? WHY did they have to find me?? Don't they know by saving me they are actually killing me??
I can't go one like this anymore.....I just can't
2 comments:
Hey don't panic. The weight is probably just food, and you're most likely holding water from drinking the beers. This is why I gave up on fasting- it always leads to bingeing. All in all, what you ate yesterday was not that bad. Really, it wasn't. And I know this is kind of against what everyone on the pro ana sites says, but I think its a good idea to eat a small snack before bed. Generally it keeps me from waking up hungry and eating everything in the fridge before I fully wake up and realize what I'm doing. Its not really true that you won't burn off the calories if you're sleeping. Your body doesn't work that way. It doesn't say "oh I just ate that sandwich I'll use that energy now". Its more complicated. Your body digests things over hours, then converts them to glycogen, then stores that in your muscles, then uses that (its actually more complicated than that but that's the best I can describe it). Plus, you still burn calories when you're sleeping. A lot actually, because your body is working on repairing any muscle damage and your brain is going crazy all night with sleep cycles.
Sorry that was so long. I just wanted to explain why you shouldn't beat yourself up so much. Just try and calm down and think about the things you like about yourself. I don't know you really well but I can tell from your blog that you're smart and funny. And your family and your boyfriend love you, so there must be some good stuff about you. *hugs* cheer up!
Don't eat three hours before you go to bed. I stumbled across this website and am curious what this is. I have lost 60 lbs in a year and now 118 but still losing.
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