I can't get those bitches outta my head...........

Depsite me failing wonderfully at the continued quest for 118, I have had two bitches comments in my head and I cannot shake them. You would think the first one would. But it didn't. This second one.....just might have done it.

Bitch #1 - My Cousin Kirsten.

I actually love her. She is funny and cracks me up and has a wonderful husband and kids. HOWEVER - at Christmas she made a weight comment to me. I cannot even remember how it got brought up. The statement that is burned into my head is "Well you either look anorexic or not......right now you're.....not." Awesome. Thanks cuz. This of course after we have eaten dinner and my clothes are too tight and I hate myself. Also, did I happen to mention that this girl has had THREE kids in 8 years and within months fit oh-so-fantastically back into her SIZE ZEROs????? Tall, blonde, fun and gorgeous. And thin. In a size zero. Fucking love and hate you bitch.

Bitch #2 - Friend Of My Cousin's Girlfriend.

I need not remember her fucking name because she is a rude fucking asshole. We had a family party Sunday and my cousin Mike brings his gf who in turn brings her roommate/friend Bitch, as I'm calling her. Per usual, I stuff myself to the gills and take off to the bathroom on three occasions to purge. No biggie...following plan as usual right? NOPE. This girl knows me for like MAYBE and hour. She happens to be sitting next to me at the table as we all eat. After I am done I sit back and say "oh Jesus.....so much food." She turns and looks at me and goes "OMG, I know. I can't even believe how much you just ate. I was in shock the whole time you were eating." UMMMM EXCUSE ME BITCH???? Did you just fucking say that to me. Oh and she's a 5'5 tooth pick also. Where the fuck does someone get off telling that to a complete stranger??? I coulda smacked her and my cousin's girlfriend just for bringing her. And later when I was making a plate to take home for my mother, I saw her watching me with wide eyes like I just shot my grandma in the fucking skull. No - it's not for my okay stop staring you cunt. UUUGGGHHHHHH god I am soo pissed off even blogging this right now!!! I swear to God, she better never be at any family party again. OK fine - I'll level. She WAS right. I shouldn't have eaten that. Maybe the comment WAS necessaary. But I still find it incredibly fucking rude. And OK FINE - she has no idea about my eating disorder and if she did she probably wouldn't make the comment. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise because now everytime I go to eat something I think "Would she think you were eating like a fat ass?" and I instantly put the food away. Ugh, I suppose I needed to be told that but I am still flaming pissed about it. Fucking dumb skinny bitch.

Egh, alright I'm done ranting and raving. I've just been thinking about that constantly and had to get it off my chest. I hope everyone had a skinny day. So far I am at 38 calories today. I eat at Jen's tonight. Not sure what that will bring but I'm sure I can stay under 500 as planned.

Later lovies.

What Is It Going to Take?!?!?!?!?!?!?

For me to get shit through my thick skull and stop buying weed and stop binging like a fat pathetic piece of shit?? I wish I had the answer. I am so sick of myself. Sick of my reflection. Sick of failing at every goal I set. Normal people would respond "ok well if you are not happy then simply stick to it and DO IT." WELL FUCKING DUH. Obviously something is going on up in my retarded brain; it knows that but is not doing anything about it. I really need to start blogging at home. Watching thinspo at home. I do good all day and when I walk in the door at night I'm just too hungry and tired to care. "TOO HUNGRY AND TIRED TO CARE." I repeat. Wtf is that??? UGH.

One thing I have actually been sticking to lately is tanning. I am feeling much better about looking at my fat body knowing that is has some color. Tanning always makes me look better. I'm sure it is helping with my depression through this shitty winter as well. Hopefully I am nice and brown by summer. And thin. I can't remember my old goal list #amillionfrickingbillion but I am of course making a new one. I think having several goals at once is not good for me. I stuck with tanning, now I need to stick to another goal on the list. Sit ups. I know I originally said 200 but I haven't even been doing 1 so I am starting at 100. 100 sit ups a day. I am staying the night at my sister's tonight so I am not sure where the hell I can fit those in. I am already failing and day one just started. OK - I will do the sit ups after they go to sleep....on the hardwood floors.....next to the couch where I crash at.......that's gunna really suck for my back but NO EXCUSES. I will be reporting success tomorrow if it kills me. (If it kills me?? I am just a drama queen over 100 sit ups, no?)

Also I need to stay at 500 cals a day. Ideally 300 but once again, I am lowering the bar to aid in my "hopeful"success. Meh. PRAY FOR ME PLEASE.

Just a little thing I noticed, I have been taking vitamins like a Nazi lately. I take them everyday except on the weekends because I keep them on my desk at work. I feel ten times more better physically when I fast and I take vitamins. I'm guessing its replacing what I should have had in food and it gets me through the day much easier. Try it out!  I am currently divulging a new plan to take vitamins at home. I just can't afford duplicates of everything and I am more likely to take them at work after seeing my friendly "Eat vitamins! :)" post it note.

I fucking love post it notes.

Every Day I Take:

-1200mg Calcium ( I am also on Depo Provera so I am required to load up on calcium)
-200mg Potassium Gluconate
-500mg Vitamin C
-400IU Vitamin E
-500mg B Complex
-400IU Vitamin D
-760mg of Echinacea

I need to incorporate a multi vitamin again. I ran out a few weeks ago and keep forgetting to pick one up. I also did some research on natural sedatives and sleep aid and I am going to try out Valerian Root and Kava Kava. I also know my potassium levels are WAY low and this can be causing my salt cravings so I am going to buy a dried herb called Chevril that should supplement what I am lacking. Sorry I know that was probably boring as shit.....I just really love vitamins these days.......

I took a few new pics last night. I hope you all enjoy looking at my fat stomach and back fat. The one of my spine maybe me smile....for like 1 second......I really wish I would stop loosing the fat in my upper body and start loosing my fat kangaroo pouch and thunder thighs. I could cry right now. I could cry always.

Fat jiggly stomach and back fat





Sucks this picture got smushed in the upload.....fucking camera phone. My "bones" looked way better than this.




Stay thin lovelies. I have missed you all so much and will be back around more this week.



Ugh

Hey ladies. Tax Season has been brutal. I have been working major hours and haven't had a second to blog at work. I shouldn't even be blogging now but I wanted to check in. :)

I am sorry I am so far behind on everyone's blogs but I promise I will do my best to read them all and comment over the weekend.

My weight is getting lower than it was......but not still at the point of checking off another box. My dad is in town and usually that brings me to food hell but I think he is finally getting the hint that I don't want or need to eat breakfast and/or lunch at the office everyday. THANK GOD. I am hoping to be 135 by next Wednesday. And it's totally possible. My food intake has been good. Salt increase low, but I still have fat face. I don't know what else could be causing this. Does anyone know of a certain food or drink that may cause this? I don't really drink diet pop anymore and I made the switch back to Almond milk. I eat lots of veggies and maybe a tad too much bread. Rarely I eat fast food since it's all meat products but that occasional piece of pizza on the weekends happen. My weakness is cheese but I haven't had any in the house for a week. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??

Things with Eric are....meh. I'm thinking about leaving him. I don't know if it's my depression, the cold weather, a combo of both or just that I am no longer having the desire to be with him, or anyone for that matter. I barely have sex with him, don't really cared to be touched by anyone other than a SIMPLE hug. No bear hugs please. I'm not really sure what to do. I just know I will not be making an impulse move. Any suggestions?

I love you all and once again sorry for being absent. I promise to keep checking in and when things slow down I'll be back (hopefully next week Wednesdayish....)

<3

FAT

Just a quick update, I'm super slammed at work and haven't had a chance to blog at home.

My weight is still super high. I keep nightime binging outta control. I don't know how to stop this and I am freaking out. My dad's in town and i definately didn't get the "Wow" factor like I wanted.

FML.

I have soo much more to say! Hopefully I can log on later.

Love and miss you all and I promise I will check up on blogs soon!!

I Don't Care What Anyone Says........

Lohan is fucking hot. My favorite "actress" next to Ang Jolie.

Dear L.L,  please mail me your tits.

Thanks.

I Lost Ten Pounds This Week! I also resorted to cutting last night. : /

Thank goddddddd. Finally back to my "normal" weight.

I don't understand how I can loose ten pounds so fast and I still am a whale. You'd think with the speed of how I loose weight (when I try) I'd be 118 already. Ugh......que Bulimia. I know a lot of the weight is probably bloating and water but I have never gotten to the point where I was lower for an extended period of time than what I weigh now. Could I loose another ten pounds next week if I stick to my plan? No clue. I suppose I should try that and find out, lol. Yes....I think I'm going to do that.

I had a coffee from Dunkin Donuts this morning. With cream. I knew what I was doing and even stated out loud "this is so not vegan" but went and got my coffee anyway. Shit - I'm hungover and was in the car with my mother in this shit ass snow we have. I was not about to ask her to drive and extra mile down the road to Starbucks over soy milk. In fact I am pretty sure even if I asked she would tell me I was bananas and make me go to Dunkin anyways. I know, I know. Excusessssss. I could have gotten the coffee without cream but UM SORRY I fucking hate black coffee. Yuck.

Sooooo. Cutting. Yeaaah. I'm pretty pissed off at myself. I can't even remember the last time I cut. I was sitting there in my bed last night drunk on cheap red wine. I can't remember what exact though came across my mind but I just took my knife out and cut the back of my leg. Just one cut. About 2 inches long. Usually I would just be mad at myself and *promise* never to do it again and move on. BUT - having a boyfriend does not make cutting easy to hide. It's nice that its winter so it makes it easier. The only time he could see it is if I got outta the shower or if we were having sex. But I guess in both situations I could have sox on......even though it creeps me out to keep sox on during sex. Hmm. Ultimately lets just hope he doesn't see it, because I have no fucking clue what I'll say if he does.

My plan for tonight: Spending the evening with Eric......semi blah. I just don't feel like being around him lately. He worked all last night till 2am and had to be back up at 6:30 this morning so I imagine he will be exhausted and not want to do anything but sit in his bed and annoy the shit outta me with boring non sense. What I would love to do is walk home from the bus in the snow, hit the tanning bed and then make a soup with my food processor. Reality of it actually happening? Zero. Well, the tanning will occur. I am thinking of spray tanning tonight and then bed tanning in the morning. I have never spray tanned before and I am scared to shit. But I need to just dive in and try it. And the spray tan may get me outta having sex. Well....I control the sex so I know it can. Hmmm......I'll have to ponder that a bit.

Well I have plenty more useless dribble to say but work is calling. Lame. Toodles.

Lack of Concentration

I am sooooo not in the mood to work today and I have so much shot to do. So here i am on Blogger. : P

Last night went ok. Eric took me to Olive Garden and I remained vegan the whole meal. Salad w no croutons, no cheese and no dressing. Had balsamic vinegar on the salad. A water. Presto! It was hard but i left feeling proud and accomplished. Yay. I did not get my sit ups in as expected. I did have some lame (as always) sex with the bf and maybe burned 10 calories. Ugh. I was drinking wine last night and almost just blurted out "our sex is gay and lame and i could care less for it." But I didn't PHHEWWWW. The little voice that RARELY is around when i need it kicked in and said "These are things you should not discuss drunk or immediately after you just had sex." I believe the little voice is right. I still need to figure out how to tell him though. Suggestions?? I have never had to deal with this before.

Weight is down a bit. Still too high to post. I have had my usual cup of coffee and gallon of water. Did 100 sit ups this morning. I did take a few bites of the wheat pasta my sister dropped of yesterday. I felt like shit afterwards and went and puked. I know some pasta has eggs in it so I am hoping that kind didn't. Either way...meh, too late now. It's snowing like a botch here today. My evening plan was supposed to include tanning but if it's still blizzarding i may not go. Basically playing that one by ear. Otherwise my night will consist of laundry and hopefully a workout. I don;t understand why my fat reflection isn't enough to get my fat ass in gear. I'm one of those typical people that sits around and bitches but does nothing about it. Yay me.........

Well I guess I should do some more work.......lame....I'd rather be watching youtube videos. : /

<3

Feeling "Better"

Last night.......had Eric pick me up from the bus stop......no extra walking. No sit ups either. I did go tanning. Had a salad for dinner. I don't know why I "let" Eric influence me into food I shouldn't eat. But then again....it's really myself to blame. I shoulda just bought the damn broccoli. That salad dressing was vegan although loaded with cals. Shit. Had a glass of wine. Passed out.

I had court this morning so I stayed at Eric's to get a ride which means no morning walk. Blah. I feel thinner than yesterday but couldn't weigh because I was without my scale. I really need to just buy Eric a digital one. Court went fine and now I'm at work. I fucked up this morning with cream in my coffee.....I was almost done with it before I realized my fuck up. I suppose it will take some trial and error to get the vegan diet correct but I am still mad at myself. Creamor - C'mon that's basic knowledge! I plan on eating correctly for the rest of the day. So far I haven't eaten. My sister dropped off eggplant and pasta to my work - GREAT. I will be resisting it all day as a test to myself. I should just go dump it in the toilet but we all know I can't throw away food for some dumb reason....eyyy.

Tonight's plan......I guess I am hanging with Eric again tonight. I really just wanna be by myself to get some laundry done and try to do an at home work out. I have been in one of those moods lately were I am annoyed with Eric. Lightly annoyed but annoyed. I have no real desire to hug or kiss him or really show any affection at all. I did discover that I got my period about an hour ago (WTF) and I am not sure if that is why. I am also pissed that I got my period. I must be eating too much if it's just gunna show up like this. Fucking red bitch. Anyways......yeah I haven't had sex with Eric in a week. He tries every time we hang out and I am not up for it. Last night it was because I couldn't shower off my tanning lotion until the morning and I was too yucky for sexy. He tried again this morning after I got outta the shower and I said i was already clean for work and didn't wanna feel gross all day. I knew I would have to give him some tonight but then TA DA, my period. I just don't wanna be touched at all. Last night we were laying in bed watching TV (no contact) and he starts kissing me and hugging on me and cuddling and I couldn't take it. I was like "babe, please stop, you're like all over me." I obv hurt his feelings and he got off me but I couldn't help it. Sometimes I just need my own personal space ya know? I definitely feel like the genders are reversed in this relationship. He is the total female. Always wanting to touch me and be with me and blah blah. God I must sound like a complete bitch, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I have a wonderful boyfriend who shows how much he cares and I am just like "meh." Does anyone else ever get like this?

I'd love to keep rambling but a bomb went off on my desk. I may post later. Love ya ladies.

She Pregnant and I'm Crying? Whythefuck.......

Dennis (old attempted sugar daddy) just text me and told me his wife is preggers with twins. Although we have only seen each other once in the past few months, now things are done FOR REAL.

I'm sitting here holding back tears.....WHY? I don't have feelings for Dennis, I didn't have some made up dream that one day I would be his wife.....I have no fucking clue why this is upsetting me so much right now. The money cannot be the reason either because nothing was ever steady and counted on in the first place. I cannot figure this out. Why the hell am I so saddened by this? If anyone can give me some insight please help me. Usually I can come up with a general idea if something makes me upset and I can't figure it out but I am walking down a dark hallway with this......ugh.

On a side note......I fasted so far all day today. 99 ounces of water and 10oz of almond milk currently. About 70 cals or so. Still not hungry and frankly now I am too damn sad to think about food. Heh - whatever works I guess?

So Eric is picking me up from the bus. I will be going home to do my crunches, pack and then he is taking me tanning. I feel like it's not enough. Because he is picking me up I am loosing a mile walk. I thought about running at his house but I don't have enough room on the bus to drag all my clothes and shoes back and forth to work. Egh......I plan on not eating anything tonight to make up for it. I just fail at everything.

I'll post tomorrow.

<3 u's.

Same Old

Feeling pretty depressed and shitty today. The fact that I'm the size of Beluga doesn't help. I'm not reporting weight anymore until I'm in the 130's. I'm just too ashamed of my fat ass right now.

Still binging out of control. I wish I had control like some of the awesome bloggers I follow. Like Zette....C'mon girl send some strength my way!! Lol - Love you.

I am the only one to blame but I miss my ED buddies. I had three, one of who I was/still am extremely close with, Clementine. I'm sure I've mentioned it before. Clemmy joined the army so although we are still besties she is busy with army life and we don't get to talk much. My other two are always busy as well. I know, I sound pathetic and whiny. I am just even weaker without someone to lean on I guess. But no more! It's time to find strength within myself and just DO THIS already. EEEKKK! Pray for me.

Yesterday went ok, although the bastard scale didn't move. Asshole.

Day one of vegan eating went good. Had Coffee with almond milk for breakfast. A potato with black beans and rosemary for dinner. A piece of beer bread as well - I ask my mom and she said it was without eggs and milk or butter. Sweet. All carbs though......blah. I ended up going tanning and got an extra mile of walking in. I woke up feeling less bloated, "thinner", and my weight hadn't budged. Damn.

My plan today is coffee, coffee, bronkaid, coffee, coffee, bronkaid. A veggie for dinner. TONS of water. Vitamins. I walked two miles to the bus this morning and when I got to the office I did 100 crunches. I decided if I want to get my 200 crunches in everyday, doing them all at once is never going to happen. I'll do 100 when I get to work in the morning and then 100 when I get home at night. So tonight I'll do my 100, crunches, go tanning and walk an extra mile. My "goal" is to not be a lazy ass and get in 20 minutes of strength also. I'll report tomorrow.

I have a bunch of work to do so I'm off. Hope everyone is doing THIN today.

<3

The Weekend Was Shit.

Had fun but I am a weak and pathetic ass.

I am starting my vegan challenge today.

Had an orange and some coffee with almond milk for breakfast. 100 cals.

Fasting today until I get home. Cauliflower maybe and some productivity around my house.

Down and not feeling like saying too much.

Later <3's

You know what REALLY grinds my gears?????

Ok, sorry, I know I just posted but I gotta bitch for a second.

My office...let me try to explain this. The building in shaped like a circle so all the suites run along the outside of the circle. Every suites front entrance way is made of glass. So basically I and whoever else works on my floor can see anyone who leaves their suite as well as each suites reception area aka where I am. Awesome. I REALLY love it when I'm eating lunch and people walk by and just fucking STARE at me. Way to make me feel even more hippo. (Don't worry I'm not eating right now, just stating fact.) Anyways, my point for this post: constantly seeing lunch delivered. I swear it makes me so mad. Everyday I get to see pizza and deli and Chinese and Mexican food delivered to other office suites. It makes me wanna scream 1. because I know who works in each suite and everyone is a fucking lard ass and shouldn't be eating that shit and 2. because I am jealous of their food. Jealous of the fact that people can just eat and not obsess or care and be happy and enjoy a god damn fucking meal. GRRRRRRR!! The only time I can eat and not give a shit is if I'm high as a kite. Which happens seldom, so yeah.  I mean FUCK. Two suites down is a physical therapy place. PHYSICAL THERAPY. Ya know, health and wellness. Every person in that place besides the two doctors are fucking whales. I see the nurses get fast food EVERYDAY and it makes me sick. Excuse me ladies but I can see you 7 rolls through your scrubs.....maybe you need to increase the shirt size a bit. And GOD - how much money is that on shit food every month?? You figure at the least it's 5 to 7 dollars a day, times 30 days, that's $150 to $210 dollars a month JUST ON LUNCH ALONE. I don't even spend that much money on groceries for the whole month and I could easily make three meals a day. And I mean normal meals, not ED meals. I just don't get some people. GOD AMERICANS ARE SUCH FAT SLOBS. I know this because I am one of them!

Vent Complete...back to Thinspo.

<3

I wish I was on muscle relaxers, it would make it alot easier to deal with your bitching

Thanks so much Gianna and DB for the nice comments.

DB - Yeah winter makes things alot worse and since my diet is so poor I take alot of vitamins including a Vitamin D tab.....too bad it doesn't seem to help much. I actually had my old therapist recommend tanning twice a week for 10 minutes per session to help me with "Sunlight issues." I gotta say - that actually helped. When I used to tan in the winter's I was alot happier. Due to my DUI it's hard for me to get to the salon....NOT.....it's a mile a way and I'm too lazy to walk in the cold after the miles I walk everyday just to get to work.....FAIL.

Gianna - I definitely look back every year and get upset about everything I have failed at. It's so depressing. And yes I am FOR SURE here on blogger to talk to other people who feel like me. One of my BEST friends is a girl who I met on redbracelet.com. I have never met her but we have been talking for three years this March. She is the most amazing person ever and I can tell her anything and everything. We send each other videos and gifts and pictures and we text all day everyday. We always say how funny it is that we are like sisters but we have never met.....maybe separated at birth?? :) And dinki hahahahah I laughed with you!

So last night was well.....good shitty. I was supposed to get a ride home from the bus stop from a girl friend but I canceled and walked the 2 miles home. It was a little warmer yesterday and I needed to clear my head anyway. I got home and started packing up stuff for a welcome home party I have tonight. Everything was going fine. I talked to my mom and she said she would be home from work in 40 minutes. We needed to chat about our weekend plans so I said I would wait up for her. I was laying in bed watching TV and dozed off. My mom came home and into my room and woke me up and we had our talk. As she is walking away she goes "Oh, we need to have a talk this weekend...." Obviously I need to know what the hell she is talking about now so I get out of bed and ask her. She goes "well your obviously fucked up on muscle relaxers or something." Ummmm HI MOM YOU JUST WOKE ME UP, I wonder why I'm hazy?????? I was DEAD SOBER. I was so pissed off I told her to go right that second to the grocery store and buy a drug test. I would pass with flying colors. I never even had issues with popping pills to her knowledge so why she would even say that came outta left field. Of course she didn't go buy the test and we got into a huge blow out fight AGAIN and I ended up having eric pick me up and stayed by him. Jesus. It must really suck that he has to date someone who is so fucked up and has so much motherly drama. What makes it even better is when I get into his car I'm crying and tried telling him how sad I am and stuff. Not alot, since I don't trust him with that info, but I made a few comments and he said NOTHING. Thanks alot Eric. You sit there and tell me I can talk to you and I should trust you and as soon as I do give you a tid bit you have nothing to say. Whelp. Lesson learned. Now I REALLY know I can't talk to you about anything. Thanks for reinforcing what I already thought was true.

Today I am feeling sad. And Fat. Eric has an old school step scale and I considered weighing this morning but figured 'what is the point?' because I can't trust the damn thing anyway. I have no clue if I'm down from yesterday. In theory I should be. Yesterday all I consumed was my broccoli and beans for lunch. When I got home from work I had two pieces of home made beer bread my mom made. Shit is soo good I couldn't resist. I'm guessing maybe I am 145. I have that welcome home party tonight and I am in fear. Not so much fear of food but fear of beer. Shit balls. My friend just got outta prison after two years and I know I will be drinking in excess. I thought about buying hard liquor so I wouldn't pack on beer weight but I know I'll end up drinking the whole fifth and blacking out and honestly, I only care to do that shit when I'm alone. It's not cool for my friends to see me like that or have to take care of my fall down drunk ass. I usually drink Coors Light but i am debating on maybe buying a nice IPA. It's more expensive but I get drunk way faster when I drink them so I won't have to consume as much to feel the same way....hmm........ Food wise...I am not sure what is going to happen. They all eat like shit. I am hoping we go buy beer at a grocery store so I can buy a huge bag of broccoli florets. I am obsessed with broccoli lately. I crave the shit. As long as I bring my own food i am safe.

I'm really hungry. I took a bronkaid but it's not working. I don't feel like being cracked out so I'm not taking another one. I have been chugging water too. I keep thinking about what this blogger Zette said: Why eat? It just makes you fat. So true obviously. But I am out of tea and sick of coffee and water is starting to disgust me. I have a can of Campbell's tomato soup with me and I just keep staring at it on my desk. I wrote on the label "If you eat me you are a fat ass." I keep staring at the letters but it's not helping. I think I am going to watch some thinspo online. Hopefully that helps.

I wanted to mention this show I have started watching. I don't have cable TV and it's on Lifetime. It's called Starving Secrets. They air the episodes online after they show them on TV but I think after a week or so they take them down.....I'm pretty sure episodes 1 and 2 are not available anymore. If any one's interested check it out. Also, I have watched like TONS of ED movies, shows, documentaries, etc etc and I am running out. If anyone knows any good ones that are not common in our world PLEASE let me know.

<3 U Bitches.

Depression

Hey everyone. "Happy" Thursday.

147.6, so I am down 2.5 since yesterday. There is no way in hell I will be 143 by morning. Fuck.

Feeling really down today. Wearing a new sweater and boots but attempted to wear a pair of skinny jeans that were given to me with them. By the time I got to work I realized how "mom" they look. I'm wearing fucking mom jeans. UGH. I look HUGGGEEE in them. I have never worn them before. And I will never again. Straight to Plato's Closet. I look so fat. I keep looking at that Christmas picture from yesterday and it just brings me to tears. I don't even wanna be naked in front of Eric anymore. Yesterday I got outta the shower and was changing in my room while he was laying in bed watching TV and he just STARES at me. He is always smiling and telling me how hot I am (yeaaaahhhhh right) and it just disgusts me. It makes me want to scream. I tell him not to stare at me but he does anyway. I cringe inside every time he touches me. But I continue to let him and keep our sex life healthy because I know it's not fair to him. I just hate all of this. I hate myself so much. I wake up every morning with tears in my eyes that I have to face another day. My heart aches. Sometimes I just feel like a robot walking through each day. I catch myself doing things without thinking and never remembering half of my actions. Some days time drags on at an unbearably slow speed. Other days I stare at a wall and blink and 8 hours have gone by. I haven't felt this sad in a few years. I have always been sad and suffered from horrible depression since I was 12 but every few years I get a wave. A bad wave of hopelessness. I am so ashamed of myself and what I have become in every aspect of my life: school, work, financially, physically, emotionally. I hurt people around me. I lie. I steal. I do the unthinkable and have vicious thoughts about some of the people that love me the most. I don't think I will ever just be OK. OK to function and breathe. Every conscious moment is struggle to play "happy" and to not let people on about what is going through my head. There is not one person in my life I trust 100%. NOT ONE. I have never felt that way until this past year. I have people the surround me that I can vent to but no one that I can REALLY talk to. Who wants to hear a fat suicidal depressive bitch complain everyday right??

So far today I have had 2 coffees with Almond milk - 80 cals. I made steamed broccoli and garlic mashed garbanzo beans for dinner last night and brought left overs to work. I'm not even hungry but I feel I should eat it. I hate wasting food. It's so fucked up because I can sit there and binge on $100.00 dollars of groceries and immediately puke it up but I can't simply take food and throw it in the garbage. Unfuckingreal. Makes no sense. Well I guess I'm off to stuff my fat face.

Love You All

<3

Soups On!!

oops, I meant to post this yesterday.....


I got a food processor for Christmas and I made my first vegan soup on NYE. I looked all over for the recipe so I could post but can't find it.....frick. I made a cream of potato, carrot and mushroom with rosemary. If anyone has some awesome soup receipes please let me know! Low cal of course, lol.









The Food Processor



Chopped Carrots

Carrot, potatos and mushrooms in veggie stock

Finished product!



BINGE MONSTER

Hey Ladies. I have missed you all and thanks to Kitty, Gianna and Peridot for you comments on my last post. <3 u all.

To do a mini catch up...........the remaining Christmas festivities went ok I guess. Everything was fine with the families and I got some great gifts but food wise I did horrible. I did so great through Thanksgiving and for Christmas I lost my marbles. I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted, in huge excess of what I needed. UGH.........you guys.....I weigh 150 pounds. :'(

I am so sad and embarrassed to tell you all this. I was doing so good and then this. I don't know what my problem is. Sometimes I have such great motivation for weeks at a time and them BAMMMMMMMMM binge binge binge binge binge. I hate myself so much.

I can't stand walking around. I can't stand looking at myself (even more) in the mirror. I have been using laxatives and bronks the past two days. I swear to god if I'm not 143 in the next 48 hours I will flip the fuck out. I know if I focus I can loose the weight in two days. It's really hard for me to fast after such a long stretch of binging. But I will do it. I HAVE TO. My new goal is 137 by the end of the month. Originally it was 135, and I may bring it back to that, but I am just gunna see how good I can do over the next few weeks.

I am determined to wear a bathing suit this summer. Be tan. Be toned. I want that "shock factor." I wanna fucking rock at this diet for the next six months. First pool party get together: WHAM!!!!!!!!!! "Holy shit girl you look AMMMMAAAAZZZIIINNNNGGGGG!!!" I want someone to say that to me so bad. It's been so long. I mean, Eric tells me everyday how beautiful I am but.....as I am sure you ladies know the feeling.....it's just not the same. I need one of my skinny bitch girl friends to say it. One of the girls I have secretly envied for years and years. I love these girls and I just wanna look as good as they do. FOR ONCE. These are the years I should be looking my best. When I'm 50 and looking like a shit I wont have the option to get hot. It's now or never. I don't want to look back at these years and see a fat and depressed girl. I just can't. I won't.

So to introduce the NEW PLAN for the 126,574,556,432 time:

1. Start eating breakfast - piece of fruit or one slice dry toast.
2. Eliminate milk from my diet as much as possible - I don't know why I ever went off soy??
3. Increase vegetable intake.
4. 200 sit ups a day...why is it so hard for me to accomplish this?
5. TAN TAN TAN
6. Start caring about my appearance again - if I'm going to be fat I might as well look "nice."
7. Stop salting everything I eat - ELIMINATE "FAT FACE"

Speaking of FAT FACE...let me explain........since about October I have hated every single picture of myself. Well.....way more than usual. Despite my fat figure, I have always been mostly satisfied with how my face looked in pictures. I carry most of my weight in my mid section and my face has always looked semi skinny. This has not been the case lately. I haven't been able to make sense of it and it has really been depressing me. Then it dawned on me: SALT. I have always favored salty items over sweets but since the summer I have been salting EVERYTHING I eat, even fucking pancakes. It's like whatever I eat has no flavor. I did some research online and it could be a number of issues from vitamin deficiency to serious adrenal gland problems......sigh........and the fact that I am bulimic is not gunna have me running to the doctor for a blood test. Obviously I have way bigger issues than craving salt. So basically I have decided my fat face is due to sodium and I am not salting food anymore. I also am going to start taking potassium supplements (as read online). PRAY FOR ME!!! This better solve the issue or i am seriously out of ideas.

In example:



Skinny Face: Summer 2011

Fat Face: Christmas 2011





Ultimately what I need to look like again.......minus 20 pounds. Tan and Thin



Ugh......that last picture makes me so mad.......

Here's to 2012......hopefully way thinner than last year......