What Is It Going to Take?!?!?!?!?!?!?

For me to get shit through my thick skull and stop buying weed and stop binging like a fat pathetic piece of shit?? I wish I had the answer. I am so sick of myself. Sick of my reflection. Sick of failing at every goal I set. Normal people would respond "ok well if you are not happy then simply stick to it and DO IT." WELL FUCKING DUH. Obviously something is going on up in my retarded brain; it knows that but is not doing anything about it. I really need to start blogging at home. Watching thinspo at home. I do good all day and when I walk in the door at night I'm just too hungry and tired to care. "TOO HUNGRY AND TIRED TO CARE." I repeat. Wtf is that??? UGH.

One thing I have actually been sticking to lately is tanning. I am feeling much better about looking at my fat body knowing that is has some color. Tanning always makes me look better. I'm sure it is helping with my depression through this shitty winter as well. Hopefully I am nice and brown by summer. And thin. I can't remember my old goal list #amillionfrickingbillion but I am of course making a new one. I think having several goals at once is not good for me. I stuck with tanning, now I need to stick to another goal on the list. Sit ups. I know I originally said 200 but I haven't even been doing 1 so I am starting at 100. 100 sit ups a day. I am staying the night at my sister's tonight so I am not sure where the hell I can fit those in. I am already failing and day one just started. OK - I will do the sit ups after they go to sleep....on the hardwood floors.....next to the couch where I crash at.......that's gunna really suck for my back but NO EXCUSES. I will be reporting success tomorrow if it kills me. (If it kills me?? I am just a drama queen over 100 sit ups, no?)

Also I need to stay at 500 cals a day. Ideally 300 but once again, I am lowering the bar to aid in my "hopeful"success. Meh. PRAY FOR ME PLEASE.

Just a little thing I noticed, I have been taking vitamins like a Nazi lately. I take them everyday except on the weekends because I keep them on my desk at work. I feel ten times more better physically when I fast and I take vitamins. I'm guessing its replacing what I should have had in food and it gets me through the day much easier. Try it out!  I am currently divulging a new plan to take vitamins at home. I just can't afford duplicates of everything and I am more likely to take them at work after seeing my friendly "Eat vitamins! :)" post it note.

I fucking love post it notes.

Every Day I Take:

-1200mg Calcium ( I am also on Depo Provera so I am required to load up on calcium)
-200mg Potassium Gluconate
-500mg Vitamin C
-400IU Vitamin E
-500mg B Complex
-400IU Vitamin D
-760mg of Echinacea

I need to incorporate a multi vitamin again. I ran out a few weeks ago and keep forgetting to pick one up. I also did some research on natural sedatives and sleep aid and I am going to try out Valerian Root and Kava Kava. I also know my potassium levels are WAY low and this can be causing my salt cravings so I am going to buy a dried herb called Chevril that should supplement what I am lacking. Sorry I know that was probably boring as shit.....I just really love vitamins these days.......

I took a few new pics last night. I hope you all enjoy looking at my fat stomach and back fat. The one of my spine maybe me smile....for like 1 second......I really wish I would stop loosing the fat in my upper body and start loosing my fat kangaroo pouch and thunder thighs. I could cry right now. I could cry always.

Fat jiggly stomach and back fat





Sucks this picture got smushed in the upload.....fucking camera phone. My "bones" looked way better than this.




Stay thin lovelies. I have missed you all so much and will be back around more this week.