To do a mini catch up...........the remaining Christmas festivities went ok I guess. Everything was fine with the families and I got some great gifts but food wise I did horrible. I did so great through Thanksgiving and for Christmas I lost my marbles. I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted, in huge excess of what I needed. UGH.........you guys.....I weigh 150 pounds. :'(
I am so sad and embarrassed to tell you all this. I was doing so good and then this. I don't know what my problem is. Sometimes I have such great motivation for weeks at a time and them BAMMMMMMMMM binge binge binge binge binge. I hate myself so much.
I can't stand walking around. I can't stand looking at myself (even more) in the mirror. I have been using laxatives and bronks the past two days. I swear to god if I'm not 143 in the next 48 hours I will flip the fuck out. I know if I focus I can loose the weight in two days. It's really hard for me to fast after such a long stretch of binging. But I will do it. I HAVE TO. My new goal is 137 by the end of the month. Originally it was 135, and I may bring it back to that, but I am just gunna see how good I can do over the next few weeks.
I am determined to wear a bathing suit this summer. Be tan. Be toned. I want that "shock factor." I wanna fucking rock at this diet for the next six months. First pool party get together: WHAM!!!!!!!!!! "Holy shit girl you look AMMMMAAAAZZZIIINNNNGGGGG!!!" I want someone to say that to me so bad. It's been so long. I mean, Eric tells me everyday how beautiful I am but.....as I am sure you ladies know the feeling.....it's just not the same. I need one of my skinny bitch girl friends to say it. One of the girls I have secretly envied for years and years. I love these girls and I just wanna look as good as they do. FOR ONCE. These are the years I should be looking my best. When I'm 50 and looking like a shit I wont have the option to get hot. It's now or never. I don't want to look back at these years and see a fat and depressed girl. I just can't. I won't.
So to introduce the NEW PLAN for the 126,574,556,432 time:
1. Start eating breakfast - piece of fruit or one slice dry toast.
2. Eliminate milk from my diet as much as possible - I don't know why I ever went off soy??
3. Increase vegetable intake.
4. 200 sit ups a day...why is it so hard for me to accomplish this?
5. TAN TAN TAN
6. Start caring about my appearance again - if I'm going to be fat I might as well look "nice."
7. Stop salting everything I eat - ELIMINATE "FAT FACE"
Speaking of FAT FACE...let me explain........since about October I have hated every single picture of myself. Well.....way more than usual. Despite my fat figure, I have always been mostly satisfied with how my face looked in pictures. I carry most of my weight in my mid section and my face has always looked semi skinny. This has not been the case lately. I haven't been able to make sense of it and it has really been depressing me. Then it dawned on me: SALT. I have always favored salty items over sweets but since the summer I have been salting EVERYTHING I eat, even fucking pancakes. It's like whatever I eat has no flavor. I did some research online and it could be a number of issues from vitamin deficiency to serious adrenal gland problems......sigh........and the fact that I am bulimic is not gunna have me running to the doctor for a blood test. Obviously I have way bigger issues than craving salt. So basically I have decided my fat face is due to sodium and I am not salting food anymore. I also am going to start taking potassium supplements (as read online). PRAY FOR ME!!! This better solve the issue or i am seriously out of ideas.
In example:
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| Skinny Face: Summer 2011 |
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| Fat Face: Christmas 2011 |
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| Ultimately what I need to look like again.......minus 20 pounds. Tan and Thin |
Ugh......that last picture makes me so mad.......
Here's to 2012......hopefully way thinner than last year......
4 comments:
Hey pretty lady cheer up! And take a multivitamin. I'm going to try and challenge myself to work out every day until Jan 22 (that's when my new semester starts). Wanna join me? Maybe if you have to be accountable for it to someone else you'll be able to get those sit ups in.
I know I will immediately fail if I decide to "join" you in exercise everyday. However - I will join in the sit up side of it. Thanks for being there. :)
I know it's like, "Why is this so hard?" But clearly it is or else we would all have exactly the body we want. Good luck bouncing back from the Holiday binging. It happened and now you can move forward and fix it. BTW-I don't think your face looks fat at all!!
Yeah this holiday shit gets to me too. Interesting about the salt.. I have a fat face but always have, even when I was like 13 and skin and bones. But I also have always chosen salt over sugar and pretty much salt everything I eat too. ..maybe not pancakes. Your face doesn't look fat at all! and your hair looks super nice in the xmas 2011 photo, its actually quite similar to mine in colour and style. You're a beauty, don't worry we all fuck up this time of year. Best of luck, -G
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