I wish I was on muscle relaxers, it would make it alot easier to deal with your bitching

Thanks so much Gianna and DB for the nice comments.

DB - Yeah winter makes things alot worse and since my diet is so poor I take alot of vitamins including a Vitamin D tab.....too bad it doesn't seem to help much. I actually had my old therapist recommend tanning twice a week for 10 minutes per session to help me with "Sunlight issues." I gotta say - that actually helped. When I used to tan in the winter's I was alot happier. Due to my DUI it's hard for me to get to the salon....NOT.....it's a mile a way and I'm too lazy to walk in the cold after the miles I walk everyday just to get to work.....FAIL.

Gianna - I definitely look back every year and get upset about everything I have failed at. It's so depressing. And yes I am FOR SURE here on blogger to talk to other people who feel like me. One of my BEST friends is a girl who I met on redbracelet.com. I have never met her but we have been talking for three years this March. She is the most amazing person ever and I can tell her anything and everything. We send each other videos and gifts and pictures and we text all day everyday. We always say how funny it is that we are like sisters but we have never met.....maybe separated at birth?? :) And dinki hahahahah I laughed with you!

So last night was well.....good shitty. I was supposed to get a ride home from the bus stop from a girl friend but I canceled and walked the 2 miles home. It was a little warmer yesterday and I needed to clear my head anyway. I got home and started packing up stuff for a welcome home party I have tonight. Everything was going fine. I talked to my mom and she said she would be home from work in 40 minutes. We needed to chat about our weekend plans so I said I would wait up for her. I was laying in bed watching TV and dozed off. My mom came home and into my room and woke me up and we had our talk. As she is walking away she goes "Oh, we need to have a talk this weekend...." Obviously I need to know what the hell she is talking about now so I get out of bed and ask her. She goes "well your obviously fucked up on muscle relaxers or something." Ummmm HI MOM YOU JUST WOKE ME UP, I wonder why I'm hazy?????? I was DEAD SOBER. I was so pissed off I told her to go right that second to the grocery store and buy a drug test. I would pass with flying colors. I never even had issues with popping pills to her knowledge so why she would even say that came outta left field. Of course she didn't go buy the test and we got into a huge blow out fight AGAIN and I ended up having eric pick me up and stayed by him. Jesus. It must really suck that he has to date someone who is so fucked up and has so much motherly drama. What makes it even better is when I get into his car I'm crying and tried telling him how sad I am and stuff. Not alot, since I don't trust him with that info, but I made a few comments and he said NOTHING. Thanks alot Eric. You sit there and tell me I can talk to you and I should trust you and as soon as I do give you a tid bit you have nothing to say. Whelp. Lesson learned. Now I REALLY know I can't talk to you about anything. Thanks for reinforcing what I already thought was true.

Today I am feeling sad. And Fat. Eric has an old school step scale and I considered weighing this morning but figured 'what is the point?' because I can't trust the damn thing anyway. I have no clue if I'm down from yesterday. In theory I should be. Yesterday all I consumed was my broccoli and beans for lunch. When I got home from work I had two pieces of home made beer bread my mom made. Shit is soo good I couldn't resist. I'm guessing maybe I am 145. I have that welcome home party tonight and I am in fear. Not so much fear of food but fear of beer. Shit balls. My friend just got outta prison after two years and I know I will be drinking in excess. I thought about buying hard liquor so I wouldn't pack on beer weight but I know I'll end up drinking the whole fifth and blacking out and honestly, I only care to do that shit when I'm alone. It's not cool for my friends to see me like that or have to take care of my fall down drunk ass. I usually drink Coors Light but i am debating on maybe buying a nice IPA. It's more expensive but I get drunk way faster when I drink them so I won't have to consume as much to feel the same way....hmm........ Food wise...I am not sure what is going to happen. They all eat like shit. I am hoping we go buy beer at a grocery store so I can buy a huge bag of broccoli florets. I am obsessed with broccoli lately. I crave the shit. As long as I bring my own food i am safe.

I'm really hungry. I took a bronkaid but it's not working. I don't feel like being cracked out so I'm not taking another one. I have been chugging water too. I keep thinking about what this blogger Zette said: Why eat? It just makes you fat. So true obviously. But I am out of tea and sick of coffee and water is starting to disgust me. I have a can of Campbell's tomato soup with me and I just keep staring at it on my desk. I wrote on the label "If you eat me you are a fat ass." I keep staring at the letters but it's not helping. I think I am going to watch some thinspo online. Hopefully that helps.

I wanted to mention this show I have started watching. I don't have cable TV and it's on Lifetime. It's called Starving Secrets. They air the episodes online after they show them on TV but I think after a week or so they take them down.....I'm pretty sure episodes 1 and 2 are not available anymore. If any one's interested check it out. Also, I have watched like TONS of ED movies, shows, documentaries, etc etc and I am running out. If anyone knows any good ones that are not common in our world PLEASE let me know.

<3 U Bitches.