Let's Face It: I'm just a fucking failure.

I haven't been around lately because, well, who wants to post when all they do is complain about there failures and that they are still a big fat piece of shit. I can't stand to look at myself. I'm fat, pale, bloated, and my skin broke out. I fucking hate myself.

I'm not posting until I'm 135. I might still stop in to read and comment on blogs but as far as how I'm doing, yeah fuck it.

<3 you ladies.

Hey Ladies

Feeling super depressed today. It's my own fault tho. It always sucks the worst when your sadness is brought on by your own stupidity.

I've been feeling better about the whole break up with Eric. We are still talking and actually hung out this whole weekend. Hanging out with him realized I made the right decision and I DO NOT want to get back with him. He is a great guy and I would like to keep him as a friend but other than that, no thanks. It's so much easier when I date myself, lol. I am glad I made this realization this weekend because I almost got back together with him last Thursday. PHEWWWW, dodged that bullet. The only thing that sucks is I know Eric thinks in the back of his mind that we are going to get back together. I was VERY clear on Thursday and told him that he should not have any expectations and that just because we hang out doesn't mean we are on the path back to "coupleism." He said he understood but I don't think so. I'm not really helping the situation tho. We had some drinks with our friends Friday and I went back to his house to spend the night and.....ya know......we didn't end up sleeping together though because he had "issues." He has had impotence issues our whole relationship and it was so fucking annoying. I try to be supportive and I was, I know it's not his fault. But shit, Bitch needs some sex sometimes!!! In a way i guess it was a blessing because I know I shouldn't sleep with him. Shame on me I guess.

Anyways, last week went well. I stuck to my guns and didn't drink any booze all week. Binge drinking bender has finally come to an end. I was gunna try to not drink anything until April but this weekend happened and....yeah. But I did REALLY well on Friday; only had a handful of beer, no binging and no black outs. It was awesome. I don't ever pat myself on the back but I was really proud of myself. Sad, yes. But it is what it is and being an alcoholic and all I think I did fantastic. Yay me.

Binging has slowed down also. Not what I wanted of course but better than it was. I am really getting tired of mia. My poor teeth. Today was day one for not B/Ping. So far so good. My plan for the evening is:

2 Mile walk home from bus
1 mile jog to tanning bed
Tan
Ride back to house from tanning bed
50 crunches
Shower
Ni Nights.

If I'm really feeling ambitious and do all that shit I might paint my nails. We shall see.

I don't know my weight right now and I "don't" want to. I am so fat its gross. I don't even wanna see a scale until I get back to 140. Jesus Christ. I hate myself for what I do to myself. It's already march 12th and I haven't lost anything. Fuck me fuck me fuck me seriously. What the fuck is my problem?!?!?!

God damn I'm so sad/mad/frustrated with myself right now. Would someone fly to Chicago to kick my ass please??? Thanks.

Well I hope everyone is doing ok. I have mucho blogs to catch up on. Sorry Ladies, but never forget how much I love you all!!

LOVELIES!!!! I'm alive and have missssseeeeddd you soo!

Hey ladies!!!

I have to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU sooo much to everyone who gave me great advice and comments on my last post. I am (once again) so sorry I have been away. Work has been nuts with tax season and I just never posted at home. I, for the millionth time, apologize to all of you. I love you all so much and even if I disappear sometimes TRUST ME, I will always come back.

I have soo much to say. Alot has been going on. But of course, I am at work and slammed with paper work so I will give you a mini update and maybe I can elaborate later.

I guess the biggest thing is: I dumped Eric. I finally did it. I broke someones heart and I am experiencing alot of pain from it. He is so upset. I hate myself for causing someone so much pain. I have never dumped anyone before, especially for the reasons I did. It was heard, there was crying and he told me he loved me, which we have never said once in the 6 1/2 months we were together. Ugh.....jesus girls.....Why am I so sad when I've wanted this for some time now? Love sucks. Period.

My weight: HA. Just got over a 2 week binge fest. Weed, booze, 18 inch pizza's, you fuckin name it I ate it. My weight is 146.6 this morning. I was 151 Monday and have been "fasting" all week. Basically only eating if I am about to pass out. So 4 pounds in a few days I guess is good. I need to get the fuck over this 140 shit. I started working out on Wednesdays with a girlfriend of mine so that's cool. We worked out last night :) It's cool having a friend to lean on that actually lives in my state and is within reach. I think she may have issues with food too. I don't let her on about my ED(especially because she thinks I'm too thin already HAHAHAHAH) but she has made small comments about laxatives and restricting. I go along with it but don't act excited or give up my secret information. FUCK THAT. I don't need the girl signaling the siren amongst my friends. But it is still awesome to have someone around. I found some of the few existing pics from when I was 130 last night. Jesus......what motivation. I put a pic from when I was 215 and a pic from when I was 130 on my bedroom mirror with a post it that says "Be this, not that." I'm sure my mother will make some rude ass comment when she sees it. WTFever mom, remember I learned my ED from you. Thanks.

Ugghhhhh I have so much more to talk about but the boss man in paging me. If not tonight i PROOOOOMMMIIIIISSSEEE I will dish more tomorrow.

Love you all so much and thanks for always being there!