147.6, so I am down 2.5 since yesterday. There is no way in hell I will be 143 by morning. Fuck.
Feeling really down today. Wearing a new sweater and boots but attempted to wear a pair of skinny jeans that were given to me with them. By the time I got to work I realized how "mom" they look. I'm wearing fucking mom jeans. UGH. I look HUGGGEEE in them. I have never worn them before. And I will never again. Straight to Plato's Closet. I look so fat. I keep looking at that Christmas picture from yesterday and it just brings me to tears. I don't even wanna be naked in front of Eric anymore. Yesterday I got outta the shower and was changing in my room while he was laying in bed watching TV and he just STARES at me. He is always smiling and telling me how hot I am (yeaaaahhhhh right) and it just disgusts me. It makes me want to scream. I tell him not to stare at me but he does anyway. I cringe inside every time he touches me. But I continue to let him and keep our sex life healthy because I know it's not fair to him. I just hate all of this. I hate myself so much. I wake up every morning with tears in my eyes that I have to face another day. My heart aches. Sometimes I just feel like a robot walking through each day. I catch myself doing things without thinking and never remembering half of my actions. Some days time drags on at an unbearably slow speed. Other days I stare at a wall and blink and 8 hours have gone by. I haven't felt this sad in a few years. I have always been sad and suffered from horrible depression since I was 12 but every few years I get a wave. A bad wave of hopelessness. I am so ashamed of myself and what I have become in every aspect of my life: school, work, financially, physically, emotionally. I hurt people around me. I lie. I steal. I do the unthinkable and have vicious thoughts about some of the people that love me the most. I don't think I will ever just be OK. OK to function and breathe. Every conscious moment is struggle to play "happy" and to not let people on about what is going through my head. There is not one person in my life I trust 100%. NOT ONE. I have never felt that way until this past year. I have people the surround me that I can vent to but no one that I can REALLY talk to. Who wants to hear a fat suicidal depressive bitch complain everyday right??
So far today I have had 2 coffees with Almond milk - 80 cals. I made steamed broccoli and garlic mashed garbanzo beans for dinner last night and brought left overs to work. I'm not even hungry but I feel I should eat it. I hate wasting food. It's so fucked up because I can sit there and binge on $100.00 dollars of groceries and immediately puke it up but I can't simply take food and throw it in the garbage. Unfuckingreal. Makes no sense. Well I guess I'm off to stuff my fat face.
Love You All
<3
3 comments:
*hugs* I'm sorry you're having a bad time. I get that way too. Its like, I'll go months and months and feel fine, and all the sudden I stop feeling real anymore. Its the worst in the winter. I don't know if its worse for you in winter too, but I've been told by my doctor that it is for a lot of people. Lack of sunlight makes you deficient in Vitamin D which causes depression. Maybe you can get checked out for a Vitamin D deficiency? Its a really quick blood test.
My boyfriend likes to stare at me too. He always tells me how sexy I am and sometimes I don't believe him. But I try and listen and a lot of the time it makes me feel better. If your bf is anything like mine, he loves you a lot and thinks you're beautiful even when you don't. Try and believe him.
And as for no one wanting to hear you complain every day-- I am following your blog because I like hearing you complain. So don't be so hard on yourself.
<3
Sorry you're feeling so down, seems to be the season when we look back and realize we didn't accomplish everything we wanted to in the past year. I know what you mean about not trusting anybody, I've been feeling that way the past year or two as well. But that's why we're all on here anyway right? It's why I am anyway. So I can vent all the fucked up shit that goes through my head that I can't tell anybody else. Funny how we trust "strangers" online over our own friends and family. If it helps, which I realize it probably doesn't but I'll say it anyway, I think you're gorgeous, and from following your blog for awhile now, a fantastic person. -G
Also just HAD to add, the little word thing it makes you type before you post a comment, I just had to type "dinki". Made me laugh. haha
Post a Comment