I. AM. OFFICIALLY. 139.1
WHAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
:)
I have fasted HARDCORE this week. I have also been still severely depressed so it has made me not want to eat shit. HOWEVER. It's Friday. DUN DUN DUN. We know what happens to me on the weekends: BEER FOOD BEER BEER FOOOOOD FOOD BEEER FOOD. Frick. I am positive I will be strong but I am worried about a get together Eric wants to have with his friends down town. Shit. Oh well I don't care I'm not breaking down. I don't wanna be the weirdo in the room but I CAN'T loose 139. I cannot. I've worked way to fucking hard for this. I AM SO HUNGRY LADIES. I could eat my whole arm at this point. I have eaten MAYBE 2000 cals since Sunday. I basically only eat when I feel like I am going to black out. Oh ladies you would be sooo proud of me!!! I have even remained strong in restaurant settings!! Wednesday Eric and I went out for Chinese. Yay. I ordered pea pods. I asked them for no sauce, no oil, no seasoning. Straight STEAMED pods. Hold the rice. Add an ice water. Low and behold the pea pods can out pan cooked and drenched in oil. After years of serving tables I am not the candidate to send food back and I usually will just deal with what I am served. FUCK NO, NOT TODAY. I simply made a small bitch to Eric and pushed the pods to the side. The dumb ass waiter also brought out rice. UGH. So tempting. Eric was insisting I send them back but I said no like 4 times and he finally dropped it. I sat there with a empty white plate and my glass of water. It felt like the typical picture we have all seen on the Internet. Fork, Knife, Spoon, Empty white plate and large ice water. It felt fucking awesome ladies. Awesome. I was so tempted to take a picture but yeah.....bf across the table, lol. The waiter eventually noticed something was wrong bc I hadn't touched anything and came over and made a god damn scene about having them remade. Jesus, why are Asian people so loud and pushy? I know not all.....but this one. My Lord, shut the fuck up man. So they were remade correctly and I ate ten pea pods with some hot mustard. The rest I took To Go and it still currently sits untouched in my fridge. :)
Then last night, I was at a bar with my gf's. My tooth pick sized friend Jaclyn eats constantly (SO JEALOUS) and when I went to the bathroom I came back to "Jamie I ordered us potato skins!! No bacon so you can eat them too!!!!!" Ah fuck. REAALLLLLYYY???? Jaclyn is on to me.......EVERY time we hang out she tries to feed me. We were at a jewelry party last Saturday and she thought it would be a good idea to make a discussion with everyone about how I never eat and and looking too skinny. Talk about fucking uncomfortable!! Anyways, so these greasy cheesy delicious devils come out. I am literally on the verge of either 1. Running out into the bitter cold never to return, 2. Having an extreme panic attackin my chair. So I am sitting there talking and trying not to notice the food in front of me and what does she do.....oh how nice......puts a skin and a boat load of sour cream on my side plate. Thanks MOM. Christ. She even unrolled my silverware and was like "Here ya go sweetie.." UGH. I feel horrible. I looooove Jaclyn, she is an amazing friend and I know she just cares but I am an adult and at the end of the day I will do what I want. So for the first time in my whole life, I used the napkin trick. With us sitting at the bar and not directly across from each other at the table it was easy to fake eat. I would pick up a skin and every time she would bend down to take a bite and look away from me I broke a piece off into the napkin. Voila. Worked like a god damn charm. Mission accomplished. :)
I have this fear about weighing again. Like maybe my scale was bullshitting me this morning......oh please god I hope not!!! Please be 138 tomorrow. I am super happy that Eric has to work late tonight because it gets me outta dinner. YAY!!! I have made a point to keep my liquids to barely nothing because as soon as I get home I am re-weighing. I know this is a bad idea and could send me into a deep dark scary place. I never weigh at night. EVER. But I feel the need to now. Another thing is Eric's scale......it's one of the rotary scales....or is that what the word is?? Not the ones where the digital number comes up, it has the weight wheel and the little dashes so you are never really sure your exact weight is. Every ounce fucking counts. The scale in my house is technically my mothers. She also has her own issues with food so I am pretty sure if I took it out of the house with me and brough it to Eric's I would be getting a angry phone call. I have thought about asking Eric if I can buy a new one and keep it at his house. That sounds crazy. So I haven't asked. I am still debating though. There many be a Walmart stop this evening.......
God I'm fucking starving. I chewed and spit and english muffin this morning. I don't chew and spit often. Maybe 5 times ever. But I felt it was necessary. I did drink a regular pop though now that I think about it......I think the sugar really helped me out though cuz I was in black out land before I drank it. Crap, I hope I don't gain from that!! All I can think about today is food and the scale. I have the devil and the angel going:
Devil: Fuck it, you're so hungry go binge. It wont do that must damage.
Angel: FAST FAST FAST or you'll be FAT FAT FAT. Don't run the 30's when you just got there!
Shit I want enchiladas. And pasta. A margarita And a fucking steak. Eww....I don't even eat meat!!! Pray for me ladies I feel so weak to food!!!
I love you all and will be catching up on your blogs. Now that I have made some progress I will be back around more frequently as before. Josie13, JT and Kitty: I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS. Thank you so much for the continued support and a special thanks to Josie13 for a first comment. I'll be looking up your blog as well. It's awesome to know I have support out there and people who are going through the same hell. I love you all.
Peace Out My Sistas
<3
WHAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
:)
I have fasted HARDCORE this week. I have also been still severely depressed so it has made me not want to eat shit. HOWEVER. It's Friday. DUN DUN DUN. We know what happens to me on the weekends: BEER FOOD BEER BEER FOOOOOD FOOD BEEER FOOD. Frick. I am positive I will be strong but I am worried about a get together Eric wants to have with his friends down town. Shit. Oh well I don't care I'm not breaking down. I don't wanna be the weirdo in the room but I CAN'T loose 139. I cannot. I've worked way to fucking hard for this. I AM SO HUNGRY LADIES. I could eat my whole arm at this point. I have eaten MAYBE 2000 cals since Sunday. I basically only eat when I feel like I am going to black out. Oh ladies you would be sooo proud of me!!! I have even remained strong in restaurant settings!! Wednesday Eric and I went out for Chinese. Yay. I ordered pea pods. I asked them for no sauce, no oil, no seasoning. Straight STEAMED pods. Hold the rice. Add an ice water. Low and behold the pea pods can out pan cooked and drenched in oil. After years of serving tables I am not the candidate to send food back and I usually will just deal with what I am served. FUCK NO, NOT TODAY. I simply made a small bitch to Eric and pushed the pods to the side. The dumb ass waiter also brought out rice. UGH. So tempting. Eric was insisting I send them back but I said no like 4 times and he finally dropped it. I sat there with a empty white plate and my glass of water. It felt like the typical picture we have all seen on the Internet. Fork, Knife, Spoon, Empty white plate and large ice water. It felt fucking awesome ladies. Awesome. I was so tempted to take a picture but yeah.....bf across the table, lol. The waiter eventually noticed something was wrong bc I hadn't touched anything and came over and made a god damn scene about having them remade. Jesus, why are Asian people so loud and pushy? I know not all.....but this one. My Lord, shut the fuck up man. So they were remade correctly and I ate ten pea pods with some hot mustard. The rest I took To Go and it still currently sits untouched in my fridge. :)
Then last night, I was at a bar with my gf's. My tooth pick sized friend Jaclyn eats constantly (SO JEALOUS) and when I went to the bathroom I came back to "Jamie I ordered us potato skins!! No bacon so you can eat them too!!!!!" Ah fuck. REAALLLLLYYY???? Jaclyn is on to me.......EVERY time we hang out she tries to feed me. We were at a jewelry party last Saturday and she thought it would be a good idea to make a discussion with everyone about how I never eat and and looking too skinny. Talk about fucking uncomfortable!! Anyways, so these greasy cheesy delicious devils come out. I am literally on the verge of either 1. Running out into the bitter cold never to return, 2. Having an extreme panic attackin my chair. So I am sitting there talking and trying not to notice the food in front of me and what does she do.....oh how nice......puts a skin and a boat load of sour cream on my side plate. Thanks MOM. Christ. She even unrolled my silverware and was like "Here ya go sweetie.." UGH. I feel horrible. I looooove Jaclyn, she is an amazing friend and I know she just cares but I am an adult and at the end of the day I will do what I want. So for the first time in my whole life, I used the napkin trick. With us sitting at the bar and not directly across from each other at the table it was easy to fake eat. I would pick up a skin and every time she would bend down to take a bite and look away from me I broke a piece off into the napkin. Voila. Worked like a god damn charm. Mission accomplished. :)
I have this fear about weighing again. Like maybe my scale was bullshitting me this morning......oh please god I hope not!!! Please be 138 tomorrow. I am super happy that Eric has to work late tonight because it gets me outta dinner. YAY!!! I have made a point to keep my liquids to barely nothing because as soon as I get home I am re-weighing. I know this is a bad idea and could send me into a deep dark scary place. I never weigh at night. EVER. But I feel the need to now. Another thing is Eric's scale......it's one of the rotary scales....or is that what the word is?? Not the ones where the digital number comes up, it has the weight wheel and the little dashes so you are never really sure your exact weight is. Every ounce fucking counts. The scale in my house is technically my mothers. She also has her own issues with food so I am pretty sure if I took it out of the house with me and brough it to Eric's I would be getting a angry phone call. I have thought about asking Eric if I can buy a new one and keep it at his house. That sounds crazy. So I haven't asked. I am still debating though. There many be a Walmart stop this evening.......
God I'm fucking starving. I chewed and spit and english muffin this morning. I don't chew and spit often. Maybe 5 times ever. But I felt it was necessary. I did drink a regular pop though now that I think about it......I think the sugar really helped me out though cuz I was in black out land before I drank it. Crap, I hope I don't gain from that!! All I can think about today is food and the scale. I have the devil and the angel going:
Devil: Fuck it, you're so hungry go binge. It wont do that must damage.
Angel: FAST FAST FAST or you'll be FAT FAT FAT. Don't run the 30's when you just got there!
Shit I want enchiladas. And pasta. A margarita And a fucking steak. Eww....I don't even eat meat!!! Pray for me ladies I feel so weak to food!!!
I love you all and will be catching up on your blogs. Now that I have made some progress I will be back around more frequently as before. Josie13, JT and Kitty: I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS. Thank you so much for the continued support and a special thanks to Josie13 for a first comment. I'll be looking up your blog as well. It's awesome to know I have support out there and people who are going through the same hell. I love you all.
Peace Out My Sistas
<3
4 comments:
I'm so so so sorry I've been absent and not commenting and shit. I had a massive depression half-assed-hiatus and never got around to catching up on people's blogs :(
Fasting makes your body eat it's muscle mass before it's fat stores, hence the proliferation of 'Skinny-fat' chicks. You know, the ones who look really thin but you can tell that any weight they have is flab and not lean muscle mass. It will be why you're in the 130s (OMFG CONGRATS ! :D) but still don't look much thinner >.<
I'm totally up for fasting with you! I'm trying to work myself back into restricting and having a one or two-day-a-week liquid fast, since the binging has pretty much gotten out of hand in the last few months. I'm at my highest weight since breaking up with The Boy and it's fucking killing me.
I now own 'Fat Clothes' and 'Thin Clothes' -.- Oh the joys of EDNOS!
Love you, sending you anti-meat thoughts! <3
P.S.
I think Miles is starting to get the point about how he likes to see me 'nutritioned' but then always feeds me junk. He actually took me out for pita-kebabs the other night instead of pizza! Hurrah!
I'm making the point of saying how going back to the gym regularly is giving me more energy and I'm emphasising the importance of healthy noms and having treats. /sigh. I'm such a self-righteous hypocrite, non?
Hope you're well. Love you!
Girl I loooove your bog! Seriously! It is such motivation!!! because i can relate to every word aaaand it adds confidence that it is possible for me too!!! I love the napkin trick! But it's supper tricky because someone sees it once and you're caught and can't use it again.. well twice, the first time you can say "eww a bone, or fat, or that veggie just didnt taste proper" lol
Keep it up and keep posting and commenting for me I really appreciate it!!! SOOO MOTIVATING!!!
-G
yay for the 139!!!! GJ <3
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