Hey There. Sorry for the abscence. Works been picking up.....I also have had nothing good to say so yeah.
I decided (at least for today) I'm not posting my weight until I hit 139. All I do is blog about "getting so close" and then I fucking binge like a weak bitch. I'm sure you are all sick of hearing about my continual failure.
Quickly to update - Dennis...I am done with that. Again. For good. Nothing bad/good happened. Just done with him. I got enough drama in my life. Eric and I are still "good." I think about leaving him everyday to spare him. But as usual I'm too selfish.
My depression is really starting to get worse. I know the winter weather doesn't help it. I cry everyday. I keep looking at my gun card application. I keep stopping myself from applying because I know I will get denied and that means one less option for me to kill myself. If I don't apply I'll never know right? I should be killing myself November 26th, my 25th birthday. But of course!! I fucked that up to. I am not prepared yet. Fuck.
I'm so tired of being a loser but there is nothing I can do to change it at this point. NOTHING. Driving - out the window. School - out the window. Getting a second job - fucking impossible. Ever moving out of my mother's house - Probably not gunna happen until I'm 40 bc I'm in so much debt. YAY!!! The golden road I have paved for myself!!! What a fucking waste of oxygen.
I have so much to say but can't say it without tears pouring down my face. I will try to blog tonight from home. Love you all.
I decided (at least for today) I'm not posting my weight until I hit 139. All I do is blog about "getting so close" and then I fucking binge like a weak bitch. I'm sure you are all sick of hearing about my continual failure.
Quickly to update - Dennis...I am done with that. Again. For good. Nothing bad/good happened. Just done with him. I got enough drama in my life. Eric and I are still "good." I think about leaving him everyday to spare him. But as usual I'm too selfish.
My depression is really starting to get worse. I know the winter weather doesn't help it. I cry everyday. I keep looking at my gun card application. I keep stopping myself from applying because I know I will get denied and that means one less option for me to kill myself. If I don't apply I'll never know right? I should be killing myself November 26th, my 25th birthday. But of course!! I fucked that up to. I am not prepared yet. Fuck.
I'm so tired of being a loser but there is nothing I can do to change it at this point. NOTHING. Driving - out the window. School - out the window. Getting a second job - fucking impossible. Ever moving out of my mother's house - Probably not gunna happen until I'm 40 bc I'm in so much debt. YAY!!! The golden road I have paved for myself!!! What a fucking waste of oxygen.
I have so much to say but can't say it without tears pouring down my face. I will try to blog tonight from home. Love you all.
3 comments:
ugg :( *hugs*
Things will get better..
<3
Everybody stuggles. I promise you are not alone. I sit here every night thinking how much better everyones life would be if I just killed myself. Not to mention it would take all this bullshit and stress away, forever.
I'm currently living back with my parents as well and it's fucking hell. I feel your pain on that one hun.
Please don't think your the only one. There are plenty of us out here that have the same struggles. Your not alone, don't ever forget that.
Things will get better, I promise.
<3
I know you don't know me but I just read your blog from the begining and I wanted you to know you are not alone at all. I am 30 and my life is s far off from where I thought/or wanted to be. My wt is up, I have a job that isn't in my field for what I went to school for, and I am broke as shit and in debt trying to make ends met. I understand how you are feeling and want to let you know the bad shit eventually fads to the background. When you think back to this point in time you won't remember half the crap that is bringing you down. It is the wonderful magic of the mind (and pot).
Stay strong.
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