Full force into day three of not eating shit. Day three is always the worst.
These bronks are not working. Or bronk I should say. I am afraid to take more than one at a time. Sometimes I feel like going to the er because my heart flutters so much. Bronkaid obviously does not help that.
Last night was fucked up. Again. Was all peppy in my steppy walking into the apartment, excited to try out this hip hop workout that was ACTUALLY cool on youtube. Walked upstairs to put on my workout clothes and wtf do I find? My whole fucking closet collapsed. Disaster. I spent the next hour and a half moving clothes, shoes, purses, and magic fucking beans into piles on the floor that way Eric can get in there and put a new shelf thingie up on Saturday. ON SATURDAY. So I get to live like this for another 3 days. OCD is high and walking upstairs means I have to look at that shit all over the place, not counting the challenge it will be to find stuff to get ready for work. So yeah workout did not happen. Oh and did I mention I happened to down a 1/3 bottle of tequila while I did this? Low and behold another failed night. I probably would have burned just as much calories hauling all that shit around as if I had worked out but yeah.....cals in booze. Fuckin A.
After that was done things get blurry. I got into a huge fight with Eric over the phone while he was at work (ya know, because I'm awesome like that) threw out perfectly good flowers he just bought me and shattered the glass in a picture frame of us with my elbow. Then continued to "dump" him in a text, threaten to steal his dog and pack a bag of clothes for a week. Tried to find a ride to anyplacebuthere and was unsuccessful. I am happy I was. When you love someone you don't just jump ship. You stay and work it out. And OBVIOUSLY this whole fucking thing is my fault. I hate myself. I just kept thinking this morning "if you keep this shit up you will loose him. STOP DRINKING BEFORE ITS TOO LATE." We haven't talked since last night. He sent me texts at 11:30pm asking me to please stay and don't leave him and that he's so in love with me. I'm teary eyed just typing this. He is so fucking good to me and all I do is treat him like shit. I do not deserve him. I am "one of those girls" and I know it. And I hate myself. You would think it would be so easy to just change......I don't know what my problem is. There are too many to sort out.
My night ended with a rice cake. I know this because I found pieces of it between my sheets. Woke up 2.2 pounds lighter. At least something was successful.
I wanna binge.
And starve.
And scream.
And cry.
And just end my life already.
I am so sad and small and dead inside. I am a walking corpse.
These bronks are not working. Or bronk I should say. I am afraid to take more than one at a time. Sometimes I feel like going to the er because my heart flutters so much. Bronkaid obviously does not help that.
Last night was fucked up. Again. Was all peppy in my steppy walking into the apartment, excited to try out this hip hop workout that was ACTUALLY cool on youtube. Walked upstairs to put on my workout clothes and wtf do I find? My whole fucking closet collapsed. Disaster. I spent the next hour and a half moving clothes, shoes, purses, and magic fucking beans into piles on the floor that way Eric can get in there and put a new shelf thingie up on Saturday. ON SATURDAY. So I get to live like this for another 3 days. OCD is high and walking upstairs means I have to look at that shit all over the place, not counting the challenge it will be to find stuff to get ready for work. So yeah workout did not happen. Oh and did I mention I happened to down a 1/3 bottle of tequila while I did this? Low and behold another failed night. I probably would have burned just as much calories hauling all that shit around as if I had worked out but yeah.....cals in booze. Fuckin A.
After that was done things get blurry. I got into a huge fight with Eric over the phone while he was at work (ya know, because I'm awesome like that) threw out perfectly good flowers he just bought me and shattered the glass in a picture frame of us with my elbow. Then continued to "dump" him in a text, threaten to steal his dog and pack a bag of clothes for a week. Tried to find a ride to anyplacebuthere and was unsuccessful. I am happy I was. When you love someone you don't just jump ship. You stay and work it out. And OBVIOUSLY this whole fucking thing is my fault. I hate myself. I just kept thinking this morning "if you keep this shit up you will loose him. STOP DRINKING BEFORE ITS TOO LATE." We haven't talked since last night. He sent me texts at 11:30pm asking me to please stay and don't leave him and that he's so in love with me. I'm teary eyed just typing this. He is so fucking good to me and all I do is treat him like shit. I do not deserve him. I am "one of those girls" and I know it. And I hate myself. You would think it would be so easy to just change......I don't know what my problem is. There are too many to sort out.
My night ended with a rice cake. I know this because I found pieces of it between my sheets. Woke up 2.2 pounds lighter. At least something was successful.
I wanna binge.
And starve.
And scream.
And cry.
And just end my life already.
I am so sad and small and dead inside. I am a walking corpse.
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