Not even checking in weight today.....yeah F THAT.
Had a minor melt down last night.......I swear I tell my boyfriend way too much. And that's not even all of it. I decided that my last relationship with Nate went south (besides the prick cheating on me three times) a lot because he was too involved in my mental health. I'm not doing that this time around with Eric. I'm sure he knows I suffer from depression.....but those words have never come out of my mouth. But I'm sure he can pick up on it. I have refrained from ever telling him about my multiple suicide attempts, crazy drug addictions and over doses, my general HATE for life in general and always wishing for lightening to strike me dead in my path. He knows about my DUI's obviously because I am wo a license and in all this court drama and knows I used to be a cutter because my left arm looks a mess and he asked me one day. I simply said "I used to have issues and now I don't anymore." Topic over. HA - "used to."
So anyways yeah basically had a freak out attack over my mom's shit being every where, my bike tires being out of air so I couldn't go tanning and my cucumber in the fridge going bad before I ate it. YEP. That was it. Of course what i told him was a very altered version of why i was upset, and I ended up saying something rude to him via text......but we talked it out and all is fine. I swear - I wish i could just think like a normal person. I can't even imagine what it must be to live a life with positive thoughts, a mind that wasn't racing and always assuming the worst of things and people. It would be like the mental "good life." Ah....maybe I'll know one day.
So I have a doctor appointment on Sept 6. I have a shitty HMO so I have to get a referral from my GP for a psychiatrist. Yep. Finally going back to regular appointments. The reason I am going is because it will look good to the courts if i am having individual counseling for my "drinking" problem. That way if they try and throw me in jail (which they are...yay) my doctor can write a letter to the courts saying its against better treatment and health decisions then to put me in a cage for the next 60 days to a year. We will see. But I am also going to utilize this for my psychotic tendencies also. I'm excited and not. My fear is that they will try and put me on meds again, which I'm sure they will. Do I want them? NO. Yes they make me "happier" I suppose and that I like because I am not so psycho but I loose my sex drive like 100% and usually I become like this numb lifeless person. Numb and lifeless is fine for me but I'm not loosing my boyfriend over this. I feel that if I utilized some tools like counting to ten or running when I'm going to freak out that I can manage my stress and freak outs without damaging my relationship. I just need to keep shit on lock. Not spaz about cucumbers. Not assume my boyfriend is mad and ignoring me when he doesn't answer my calls or texts right away. I need to just remember to TRY AND BE NORMAL. At least on the outside.
So I took a vacation day and am off work tomorrow because me and the love are going up to his friends lake house in Michigan. I wasn't all to thrilled at first cuz I heard like half of the people aren't going (especially my favorite friend or his - Dave - guys is HILARIOUS!) and I have been feeling like shit this week but now that it's Thursday and I'm feeling better I am getting really excited. I'm making two of my favorite salads too: Caprese Salad andTomato and Cucumber Salad. MMMM so good. I told Eric I am on serious health lock down and this weekend is not going to be a "lets eat and drink like shit and gain 7 pounds" kinda trip. Ive got fresh cut up salad and veggies in my fridge and I'm making these salads. I'm going prepared. Even down to the low fat honey pretzel twists as my " bad drunk snack." No veggie burgers, no Doritos, no potato and mac salad. Fuck that. I've even decided to bring two bottles of Jeremiah Weed for my drunk fest. Beer is way to damaging on the body. Hard liquor dehydrates me and makes me feel better weight wise. The shit is amazing. And you mix it with water and ice so no extra cals!! Stuffs AMAZING!!
SOOO......on back on the Bronkaid. I'm telling you this shit is the best.
I'm happy, alert, focused and have zero appetite. I don't know why I ever stopped taking this shit. I'm guessing because I was over doing it. Yes I like uppers occasionally, blow specifically, but the everyday feeling of being cracked out on pills gets to me. And makes me a crabby bitch. When I was taking them last I was taking 2 to 4 a day. WAY to much. I took one this morning. I can feel the effects but it's not too much. I'm sure over time (I'm hoping) the effects will wear off but I will still have zero appetite. That is ideal. I HAVE to loose ten pounds this month. I have to hit 141 by October 1st. Ideally 140 but due to my recent spill over the 150 mark I'm not making goals unrealistic. Now that I'm thinking about this I'm mad at myself for not going tanning yesterday. SO WHAT your bike was outta air. SO WHAT the humidity was intense. My ass shoulda walked the two miles to the tanning bed. God damn it. I get so lazy when I'm depressed. No more. Its a fucking scorcher outside today. I'm walking to the tanning bed if it kills me. I mean HI - tons of sweat loss equals more weight loss. God I'm an idiot. And conveniently the tanning bed is right next to the grocery store and I need a few ingredients for my recipes. Okay so now I HAVE to go. Can't not make my delicious healthy snacks. :)
Well I'm off. I have more to say but am being distracted by my phone, lol. OH...and here's a pic of me and my love: So Cute. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment