I was fasting today because the SD is supposed to come over later. Despite my efforts this week my weight is still barely going down. Usually when I fast I can loose up to two pounds a day. Now I am barely loosing .5 pounds a day. FUCK ME. The SD isnt even sure if he can make it by now tonight because of a work thing but I am not going to let that be an excuse to eat....even though there is devil food about twenty feet away from me right now.
My boss ordered and 18 inch pizza. UGH. Such a trigger food for me. The smell is taking up the office. I can't fucking take this. I am so hungry it is killing me. But I just want to be thin. Such a tug-o-war. I feel like just running out of this office like my hair is on fire and running laps until it is all gone. Which it wont be. An 18 inch pizza for three people = leftovers. Which means I will be tempted all day. And then when I get to work tomorrow there will still be pizza in the god damn fridge. SHIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT. I knew I should have taken a Bronkaid when I got here.
Opinions......so last week even though I was barely eating shit I was still eating tiny bites three time a day at meal time. Now I am pretty much fasting and I am seeing barely any results.......the curse of the fast? Slowing the metabolism down or was last week just a jump since I started eating "healthy" and now this is where it will stay? I surely hope not.
It's 2 pm. I get out of work at 5 pm. Three hours I need to pull through. I just took a Bronk. PLEASE GOD KICK IN SOON I NEED YOU.
Please pray for me ladies, for I am weak but also very FAT.
So.....I am still having second thoughts about the SD but what is done is done. Eric came over yesterday and he ended up eating before he came over so we did not make dinner together. I became enraged but did not let him know. I am a complete idiot. You'd think I would be happy: "YAY, I got out of the meal!!" Nope. I have this weird thing with food. (HAHAHAH did I just say that - DUH). Let me explain more:
When I grew up family dinners were everything. I am Italian....which probably explains alot without elaborating. Dinners were always planned. No phones, no tv. Everyone ate together. No one started before anyone else. No one left the table before everyone was done. Everyone finished their plate and all leftovers were saved and eaten the following day. PERIOD. All was planned, followed and never faultered. Throw and ED in there - madness at meal time. When Eric told me "I was hungry so I didn't wait for you" I fucking snapped mentally. He knows little of how I actually feel about what he had "done"...broken a mealtime "rule." I kept my cool and just said "fine" back to him via text. If my phone wasn't such a piece of shit I would forward the texts I sent my ED buddy after he told me this. Completely ridiculous ideas and feelings coming from my head, but I guess its good I at least recognize this and didn't blow a gastet on my boyfriend. When he picked me up he was drinking a coffee. That even pissed me off more.....why I am not sure. On the drive home I finally opened my mouth.
Me: I'm disappointed we are not having dinner together (me trying to sound normal lol)
Him: Well we usually don't eat together so I didn't think it was a big deal
Me: Since when?? Since we started dating we have always eaten dinner together on Wednesdays.
Him: We didnt last week.
Me: Yeah, we didnt last week because you were WORKING NIGHTS.....(DUH)
Him: Oh........
Me: Listen if you don't want to eat together that's fine, I know I don't get home till late but you need to let me know. I plan my day around this.
Him: (Confused dumb stare)
Me: You know I'm on this weird diet right now and since I thought we were eating together I didnt eat anything today and now you've eaten and my schedule is all messed up. (Damnit I'm saying too much)
Him: Well I know you haven't eaten so make something before we start our movie.
Me: I'm not eating
Him: Why?
Me: Because I'm not going to sit and eat by myself, it makes me uncomfortable. (SHUT YOUR MOUTH DUMBASS, YOU ARE TELLING HIM TOO MUCH)
Him: (sad face) You know you can eat......now I feel bad.
Me: Don't feel bad, it's not that big of a deal I just look forward to cooking with you (I'm trying to save my ass here) and had some stuff planned but we can always do it next week. (Fake smile)
Him: (Still kinda sad face) okay, I'm sorry.
Me: Really it's ok (Give him a kiss when i wanna deck the shit outta him)
EYYYYYYY. I really let on to much about my weird food shit. Sub-concious need for attention? God I hope not.....coul be though. Crap. Let's not lie to myself.....I am the most introverted attention queen ever. What a double edged sword.
Well pray I get through this day. Also pray I can get through this night :(
My boss ordered and 18 inch pizza. UGH. Such a trigger food for me. The smell is taking up the office. I can't fucking take this. I am so hungry it is killing me. But I just want to be thin. Such a tug-o-war. I feel like just running out of this office like my hair is on fire and running laps until it is all gone. Which it wont be. An 18 inch pizza for three people = leftovers. Which means I will be tempted all day. And then when I get to work tomorrow there will still be pizza in the god damn fridge. SHIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT. I knew I should have taken a Bronkaid when I got here.
Opinions......so last week even though I was barely eating shit I was still eating tiny bites three time a day at meal time. Now I am pretty much fasting and I am seeing barely any results.......the curse of the fast? Slowing the metabolism down or was last week just a jump since I started eating "healthy" and now this is where it will stay? I surely hope not.
It's 2 pm. I get out of work at 5 pm. Three hours I need to pull through. I just took a Bronk. PLEASE GOD KICK IN SOON I NEED YOU.
Please pray for me ladies, for I am weak but also very FAT.
So.....I am still having second thoughts about the SD but what is done is done. Eric came over yesterday and he ended up eating before he came over so we did not make dinner together. I became enraged but did not let him know. I am a complete idiot. You'd think I would be happy: "YAY, I got out of the meal!!" Nope. I have this weird thing with food. (HAHAHAH did I just say that - DUH). Let me explain more:
When I grew up family dinners were everything. I am Italian....which probably explains alot without elaborating. Dinners were always planned. No phones, no tv. Everyone ate together. No one started before anyone else. No one left the table before everyone was done. Everyone finished their plate and all leftovers were saved and eaten the following day. PERIOD. All was planned, followed and never faultered. Throw and ED in there - madness at meal time. When Eric told me "I was hungry so I didn't wait for you" I fucking snapped mentally. He knows little of how I actually feel about what he had "done"...broken a mealtime "rule." I kept my cool and just said "fine" back to him via text. If my phone wasn't such a piece of shit I would forward the texts I sent my ED buddy after he told me this. Completely ridiculous ideas and feelings coming from my head, but I guess its good I at least recognize this and didn't blow a gastet on my boyfriend. When he picked me up he was drinking a coffee. That even pissed me off more.....why I am not sure. On the drive home I finally opened my mouth.
Me: I'm disappointed we are not having dinner together (me trying to sound normal lol)
Him: Well we usually don't eat together so I didn't think it was a big deal
Me: Since when?? Since we started dating we have always eaten dinner together on Wednesdays.
Him: We didnt last week.
Me: Yeah, we didnt last week because you were WORKING NIGHTS.....(DUH)
Him: Oh........
Me: Listen if you don't want to eat together that's fine, I know I don't get home till late but you need to let me know. I plan my day around this.
Him: (Confused dumb stare)
Me: You know I'm on this weird diet right now and since I thought we were eating together I didnt eat anything today and now you've eaten and my schedule is all messed up. (Damnit I'm saying too much)
Him: Well I know you haven't eaten so make something before we start our movie.
Me: I'm not eating
Him: Why?
Me: Because I'm not going to sit and eat by myself, it makes me uncomfortable. (SHUT YOUR MOUTH DUMBASS, YOU ARE TELLING HIM TOO MUCH)
Him: (sad face) You know you can eat......now I feel bad.
Me: Don't feel bad, it's not that big of a deal I just look forward to cooking with you (I'm trying to save my ass here) and had some stuff planned but we can always do it next week. (Fake smile)
Him: (Still kinda sad face) okay, I'm sorry.
Me: Really it's ok (Give him a kiss when i wanna deck the shit outta him)
EYYYYYYY. I really let on to much about my weird food shit. Sub-concious need for attention? God I hope not.....coul be though. Crap. Let's not lie to myself.....I am the most introverted attention queen ever. What a double edged sword.
Well pray I get through this day. Also pray I can get through this night :(
3 comments:
I think Italians are as "bad" as Persians with food. When I grew up it wasn't only the main meal at night you had with family but you had the breakfast AND a hot meal for lunch..
And I am really sorry to say- I did good during the work day- and then laters I ttly fucked up..
Thanks for the comments you have been leaving on my blog the last few days- you are too kind
<3
Hey there :)
Thanks for your comments & advice on my blog "SWEET" O.M.G the amount of times I've been through that situation its sooo frustrating esp when you have planned everything to fit in just right. I know how hard it is to fast "MAJOR WILLPOWER" needed and it really don't help to have so much temptation round you :(
I believe in you & well done on the weight loss so far you've done brill! (viewed your other blog stats)
keep going I'm behind you all the way
p.s your blog is cool too :)
much love
Wilted~Rose @}~>~
Thanks for the comments ladies!! I really need your input!!
Post a Comment